Life Goes On
by Texanlady
Summary: A man from Olivia's past returns. With Elliot back with Kathy, Liv grabs at her chance for happiness.  This leaves Elliot to decide if he's really ready to let her go, or if he can finally admit he isn't happy with his wife.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Law and Order SVU. I make no money off my fanfics.

I will use some facts from the show, but will change or add anything I like to fit my story. Keep that in mind.

**IMPORTANT**: Please be aware that I will edit all chapters of this story, and the MA rated versions will be on my LiveJournal account. I've had stories pulled for lemons and don't want to go through it again. If you wish to read the full version of this story you'll need to go to my profile and see how to find me. I will say it will be some time before there is a lemon, so no rush. You'll know which chapters have been edited because I'll post a note at the top of the chapter like this, "Edited for Lemons. See LiveJournal for full version". Ok?

This is how I see Mark. Just take out the spaces and the link works. He's the guy looking towards you. Not the man in the background.

http : // www . moderngrooming . com / images / hair_photos / grey_hair . jpg

**Chapter 1**

"Excuse me, can someone tell me where to find Olivia Benson?"

At the question Elliot looked up from the file he was reading. Standing at the entrance to the squad room was a man in his mid 40's. He was probably a few inches taller than Stabler, not as broad shouldered, but undeniably handsome. The man was dressed casually in jeans, t-shirt, leather jacket, and sneakers with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Elliot decided right off the bat he didn't like the guy. Standing up from his desk he crossed his arms over his chest, put on his best intimidating expression and asked, "Who wants to know?"

"I'm Mark Thompson."

"I'm her partner Detective Elliot Stabler. If you're here to report a crime I can help you."

Shaking his head, Mark replied, "I'm not here to report a crime. I'm here looking for Livvy."

Elliot immediately stiffened at the nickname. Olivia never let anyone call her Livvy. One time Munch had, years ago, and Olivia had immediately set him straight, and since then it had always been "Liv" or "Olivia". Eyes narrowing, Elliot asked, "Is she expecting you?"

Mark laughed, "Not in the least. She'll be happy to see me though."

Now Elliot was really getting angry. Here was a man, a good looking man, here to see Olivia, and he got the distinct impression that this might be her boyfriend. Things weren't perfect between him and Liv, not by a long shot, but they had been better lately. It was almost three years since he'd told her that Kathy was pregnant and he was moving back home, and the past three years had certainly been filled with some pretty low points. He was even man enough to admit he was the cause for those low points, but lately things had been better between them. They still didn't talk too much about their personal lives, but at least there wasn't the tense and angry silence between them anymore. So now Elliot was hurt and angry that his partner's _maybe_ boyfriend had just shown up in the squad room. He could feel that vein in his neck starting to throb as he stared hard at Mark Thompson.

Beside him Munch and Fin shared a look. Both knew that Elliot was head over heels in love with Olivia Benson, and both knew that nothing would probably ever come of it. Elliot had gone home to a wife he didn't love to raise a baby he didn't plan, and because of that decision he and Olivia both were paying for it. So in their minds if Olivia was finally starting to move on it was a good thing. Neither one felt Elliot had the right to get jealous the way he did when Liv had a date or spoke to other men, and Elliot _did_ get jealous. Just last month when Porter here, scumbag that he is, Elliot had constantly created tension to keep Olivia and Dean apart. It wasn't right in either Detectives mind how Elliot seemed determined to jam up any chance at happiness Olivia had.

When it became apparent that Elliot was not going to answer, Munch cleared his throat and swiveled around in his chair to face Mark fully. There was no denying the man was attractive enough for women to notice, and he silently applauded Liv's taste. Looking at the stranger over the rim of his glasses he offered, "Olivia is in court right now. It might be a few hours before she gets back. Would you like us to give her a message?"

"No. That's fine. I'll wait for her. Is there somewhere I can sit?"

Elliot wanted to tell this Mark jerk he could sit outside on the street for all he cared, but before he could Fin replied, "Yeah man, head upstairs and there is a little lounge area. Park it there and when Liv gets here we'll tell her you're up there."

"Thanks," Mark replied as he turned and headed up the stairs towards the area Fin was pointing. He had easily caught the hostile look in Olivia's partner's eyes, and had sensed the tension throughout the room. He figured that Stabler was either a past boyfriend, or a hopeful one and his sudden appearance had not been welcomed. Either way it didn't matter to Mark. He was here to see Olivia, and if she wasn't too mad at him he hoped to see her a hell of a lot more.

When he was gone Elliot faced his colleagues and said, "I don't like him."

Fin gave an inelegant snort while continuing to work on some DD5's and scoffed, "Figures."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Elliot demanded.

Before a fight could break out, Cragen barked, "Back to work detectives. I want everyone's reports and DD5's done before we leave today. If any of you are hoping to enjoy your weekends you'd best get them done. Olivia is the only one caught up on her work right now."

Don had of course seen the whole thing from his office. Heard it too since his door was open, and he was just as curious as everyone else about the stranger. He had enough trust in Liv to know if she knew this guy and they were together he wouldn't be bad news. Don was also determined not to let Elliot ruin this for Olivia if she was dating the guy. Everyone in the squad knew how poorly Elliot had been treating his partner for the past few years, and it was getting old fast. In Cragen's mind this _maybe_ relationship couldn't have come at a better time. He could see that Liv was fading. Pieces of her were dying, and her partner was doing nothing to stop it. There was no doubt in anyone's mind that Elliot and Olivia were soul mates. A connection like theirs was rare, and Don felt it a shame that Elliot had walked away from it to return to a dying marriage and a role he could never truly fit into, but it had been his choice. Because of that Cragen was determined to do all he could to keep Elliot from getting between Liv and whatever happiness she could grab for herself this time around. He'd partner the man with someone else if he had to, but he was no longer going to let Elliot give Liv just enough of himself to give her hope that there could be more, only to jerk back as soon as any "competition" was gone. Not this time.

The next two hours passed slowly. Elliot would occasionally glance upstairs with an angry look on his face, but the one time he'd tried to go to the lounge to speak to Mark, Cragen had come out of his office and demanded he go to the ME's office to pick up a report. It was a bullshit errand and everyone knew it, but Elliot had taken one look in his Captain's stone faced expression and decided it wouldn't be a good idea to argue. So he'd gone. Since then he's been content to simply glare up at the lounge from time to time, release an angry sigh, and then get back to work. He'd come to the conclusion that Liv had to be involved with this guy. No man was going to sit in a crowded police station for two hours for a _friend_. It angered him that Liv was seeing someone and hadn't told him. He thought they'd agreed she wouldn't pull crap like that after the whole thing with Kurt Moss, and yet here she was doing it again. So yeah, he was mad, and in his own head he could admit he was jealous.

He knew he had no right to be jealous. He had chosen to walk away from Olivia and the chance of a life together as more than partners when he'd gone back to Kathy. He'd tried his best to help her move on by cutting her out of as much of his life as possible, though he hadn't been able to give up being her partner. He wasn't an idiot. He knew that Olivia loved him every bit as much as he loved her, but he'd had no other choice. He'd done the good Catholic thing and gone home, and if she was going to be happy she had to get over him. So he'd been a prick to her. Problem was he didn't truly want her to get over him. He couldn't stand the thought of her with anyone but him, and he knew that made him a real bastard since he went home to a wife and kids every night and had something besides the job. He knew he was a hypocrite and a bad friend, but he couldn't help it. His heart beat hard and strong for Olivia Benson, and it always would. Because of that he couldn't stand to see her look at anyone but him, even if he wasn't free to look back.

He was just about to try and go upstairs again when Olivia walked through the door. She looked tired, but then again she always looked tired these days. Along with Cragen and everyone else he knew that Olivia was fading, but he wasn't sure how to help her. Every time he tried to start a conversation she'd brush him off and say, "I'm fine." She wasn't, he knew that, but there was nothing he could do. He'd been the one to set the new precedent between them that they didn't talk about things, and it was breaking them both. He was terrified that she was nearing the edge, but the distance he'd forced between them since going back to Kathy kept him from judging how close she was to losing it. He knew that a lot of bad things had happened to Olivia in the past few years, and he hadn't been there for any of them. He only hoped she was getting help from somewhere.

Olivia saw all eyes turn to her when she walked into the room. She could see the curiosity on everyone's faces and figured they wanted to know how the trial went. "They're still deliberating. Alex thinks it could be a couple of days before a verdict comes in." When everyone continued to look at her she asked, "What?"

Munch smirked and replied, "You've got a visitor."

Before Olivia could reply Mark's voice reached them. "How ya doing Twigs?"

Everyone watched as Olivia's eyes went wide. She looked like a deer caught in the headlights and her whole body stiffened. Her mouth opened and closed a few times before she turned around and looked up. Mark was leaning against the banister with a smile on his face as she whispered, "Mark?" Her voice was breathless and full of wonder.

Mark's smile widened. "I'm back, Livvy."

There was silence in the squad room. Munch and Fin kept look back and forth between a clearly shocked Olivia, and a happy Mark. Elliot looked solely at Olivia. From her reaction to Mark's presence he determined that they couldn't be dating because she'd looked as though she'd seen a ghost, but obviously this Mark was someone she knew very well to have such an effect on her. He didn't like that anymore than the thought she might be dating someone. Cragen stood in the doorway of his office watching the scene unfold. Mark was staring down at Olivia from the lounge upstairs, and she was gaping up at him. Neither had said a word more, and he wondered what was between them.

Suddenly the stillness was broken as Olivia sprang into action. She ran up the stairs as Mark moved to meet her and the two grabbed hold of one another in a tight embrace. Hugging each other so tight it looked painful. Behind them were four very stunned men. Olivia was not an overly affectionate person. Outside of victims she rarely engaged in physical contact with people in public. She just didn't like public displays. So it was quite the shock to the four men in her life that she had reacted like a school girl and launched herself into Mark's arms.

Elliot felt like his head was going to explode. He'd never seen Liv react like that to anyone. Even when he'd hugged her in that hospital a little over two years ago she'd stood stiff and unmoving in his arms. Never had he felt her arms wrapped around him, and his jealousy was soaring. He could feel the pen in his hand threatening to snap in two as he glared up at the sight of Olivia and Mark. They weren't talking. They weren't moving. They were simply hugging each other. Hugging each other as though if they let go one or both might disappear. '_Who the fuck is this guy? How the hell does he know Liv?_'

Olivia hugged Mark for a few moments before pulling back and whispering, "I'm going to tell my Captain I'm leaving for the day. _Don't move_."

Smirking, Mark replied, "Been waiting for hours. Would have waited all day, Twigs. I'm back for good."

Olivia smiled at that. She turned and headed down the stairs back into the bullpen and pointedly ignored Elliot's demanding gaze. She couldn't focus on him right now. She walked right up to Cragen and asked, "Can I speak to you for a moment?"

Cragen nodded his head and stepped back to allow Olivia into his office. When she was seated he shut the door and moved behind his desk as he asked, "Going to tell me who he is?"

A soft smile adorning her face, Liv replied, "A friend. A really good friend. We were inseparable during high school, and all through college. I haven't seen him in over 15 years. So … I … well since I finished all my work yesterday, I was wondering if I could go ahead and go?"

"That good a friend, huh?"

"Definitely."

"Liv, you have more vacation stored up than anyone. You take as long as you need. We'll all be here when you get back."

Beaming, Liv stood and said, "Thanks Cap."

As Olivia headed for the door, Cragen took a chance. "And Liv?" When she turned back to face him he offered softly, "If this guy is someone that can keep the shadows back, if he's someone that gets your head out of the cases and your own troubles, don't hold back. Don't hold back, and don't let Elliot get in your way. You need something, Liv. I don't know him, but that was quite the reaction out there. I haven't seen you smile like that in years. So if he can keep you smiling don't let anything stop you from holding on. Not yourself, and not Elliot."

Olivia was silent a moment before nodding her head. "Thanks Don." She turned and headed out of the office. Mark was standing beside her desk, and she said, "Just let me shut my computer down and grab my things and we can go."

"Sure thing, Twigs."

Elliot felt his rage about to boil over. Olivia _never_ left early. Olivia never left work unless someone made her, and to see her drop everything to spend time with this Mark character blew his mind. His knuckles were white he was clenching his fists so tightly. He kept glaring at Olivia, _willing_ her to talk to him, but she purposefully avoided his gaze. He wanted to ask her who the hell Mark was. He wanted to know how she knew him. He wanted to know why it was ok for her to hug Mark and not him.

Fin watched as Liv powered down her computer and headed for her locker to get her things and asked Mark, "Why you call her Twigs?"

Shrugging, Mark replied, "Old nickname. She's certainly called me worse."

"Care to share how "Twigs" originated?," Munch pressed?

Smirking, Mark answered, "In high school she was rail thin until around junior year, and since her name means "olive tree" Twigs just seemed to fit."

"Sharing my secrets, Mark?" Olivia asked as she rejoined them. She had gotten her bag and keys from her locker.

Serious now, Mark held Olivia's gaze and responded, "Never, Livvy. I'd never share your secrets."

Again everyone watched as the two shared a look. It was obvious that Olivia and Mark could speak without words, and Elliot felt his heart beating painfully in his chest. He used to be able to do that with her. Had been able to until he cut her out of his life. He'd been the one to stop communicating with her, and eventually she stopped trying. Now it killed him to see her do it with someone else.

"Bye guys. See you Monday," Liv said as she led Mark out of the squad room.

When they were gone Much remarked, "Good looking guy. Must know each other pretty well. I've never seen Liv react like that before."

"Yeah man. You see that smile? I ain't seen Liv smile like that in years," Fin agreed.

Elliot's rage was burning through his body. "How about we all get back to work? Not all of us are interested in shirking our responsibilities to go have a good time."

Rolling his eyes at Elliot's obvious jealousy, Fin replied, "Liv works harder than anyone here, Stabler. Cap let her go since she finished all her paperwork yesterday while the rest of us are a week behind. Don't go badmouthing her just because you're jealous."

Elliot shot out of his seat and stood with his fists clenched, "What are you trying to say?"

Before a fight could break out, Cragen intervened. "Fin, Warner needs to see you and Munch. Head over there. Stabler, get back to work. You're further behind than anyone else."

Elliot glared at Fin while the other detective and his partner grabbed their coats and headed out of the bullpen. Sitting back down he thought, '_Who the hell was that guy? How did he make Liv smile like that just by showing up? Why can't she smile like that for me anymore? I used to be able to talk to her with my eyes and make her smile with only a glance._'

…

…

Outside the station house Liv and Mark were walking. Both had agreed to walk to a restaurant instead of taking a cab so they could talk. It had been a long time since they'd last had contact, and even longer since they'd actually seen each other. Both had so much to say to the other.

"I've missed you, Twigs."

"Yeah, me too. Been a long time."

"Too long."

They were walking in sync. Shoulder to shoulder, and Live marveled at how easy it was for them to fall back into their old routine. "How's Cindy?" She saw Mark stiffen beside her and stopped to face him. "Mark?"

Tears filling his eyes Mark whispered, "She died … five years ago."

"Oh Mark … I … I'm sorry."

When Liv moved to hug him on the crowded street, uncaring of the people around them, he returned her embrace and whispered in her ear, "She got a brain tumor. By the time we realized something was wrong it was too late. There was nothing they could do. We found out about it and three months later she was gone."

Holding him tighter, Olivia said, "You should have called sooner. I would have come. You know that, Mark."

"I know."

They held each other for a few more moments before continuing on to one of Liv's favorite restaurants. Once they were seated and had given their orders Liv asked, "So how are?"

"Better now. After she … when she … the first two years were the worst. I started drinking. Heavily."

Olivia's eyes filled with sympathy. They both had a history with alcohol, and she knew how bad he had to have been to have taken up drinking. "You should have called."

"I thought about it, but I didn't know if you would want to see me."

"I was mad you left, Mark, but what we have is beyond that. We're—"

"The same," he finished for her.

"Yeah."

The silence fell over them. As they looked into each other's eyes a thousand memories came back to them. Painful childhoods, abuse, suffering, betrayal, loneliness, friendship, need, _all of it_. All if it came rushing back and they were kids again. Kids that had survived the hells of their youths through sheer force of will and the strength they took from each other. Olivia had grown up in a home with an abusive alcoholic mother that despised her for being born, blamed her for her father's mistakes. Mark had grown up in a home with a pedophile father that took to beating him as well as raping as he got older. Both were deeply wounded people that had found solace and comfort in each other. They'd met freshman year of high school and been inseparable until college graduation almost 17 years ago. She'd gone straight into the academy, and he'd left to travel the world as a photojournalist. They'd tried to keep in touch when he'd gone, but since most of the places he'd gone were less than developed with no true mail or phone systems that hadn't worked out very well. He'd contacted her about 11 years ago and told her he was getting married, and she'd been happy for him. Three days later she'd joined the SVU, and that was the last time they'd spoken

The silence stretched between them for a moment before Mark asked, "Are you seeing anyone?"

Olivia wanted to laugh. Seeing anyone? She saw the love of her life almost every day. Practically lived with him. Worked side by side with him, ate meals with him, fought and had nearly died with him … but he was not hers and he would never be. With anyone else she would be closed and guarded. Hiding her weaknesses and shielding herself, but with Mark it was different. There had never been boundaries between them. She had held him in her arms as he cried after being raped by his father. He had rocked her gently when she sobbed about her mother's hate and disdain for her, as she worried that there was evil inside her from her father's side. For them? There were no boundaries. "I'm single … have been pretty much since you left. Brief relationships here and there, but nothing lasting longer than a few months. I'm in love with a man that I can never have."

"Your partner?"

Olivia smiled sadly. "Never could hide anything from you, could I?"

"We never tried to hide anything from one another … so tell me about him. He acted pretty jealous, and from the way he was looking at you I'm guessing the feelings aren't one sided. So why aren't you with him?"

She told him. She told him everything. For three hours they talked. She told him about her complicated and messy relationship with Elliot, the tough cases that had threatened to break her, Sealview, Lauren Cooper, and Kathy getting pregnant. She told him about being turned down for adoption and about the PTSD. He talked too. He told her about his travels, his life with Cindy, the horrible things they'd seen in the third world countries they'd traveled to, the many close calls they'd had with militants and violent mobs, and he told her about Cindy's death. He told her about the two years he'd spent in the bottle and how he'd attempted suicide. For three hours they bared their souls. They both cried at points, but since they'd made sure to grab a corner booth in the back they had privacy for the most part. For three hours they talked as though they'd never been separated, and by the time they were done they both felt like loads had been lifted from their shoulders. When they were done Mark reached across the table to take her hand and asked, "Do you remember our promise?"

How could she forget? They'd promised that day at the airport, the day he'd gotten on the plane and left her life, that they would never be alone. They had both spent their childhoods alone and afraid. Living in isolation with parents that abused them. Both feared being alone with their pain more than anything else. They'd sworn to each other that day that if they were both single and alone when they were 40 they'd find each other and get married. They'd both understood what that promise meant. It meant that they would be settling. They'd be accepting the fact they couldn't be truly happy, so would settle for being with someone that at the very least could bring them comfort. They'd known it then, and looking into each other's eyes they knew it now.

They didn't have passion. They didn't have true love or a burning desire for one another, but they did have comfort and understanding. They'd slept together a grand total of four times when they were younger. Four times during almost 9 years of friendship. Each time had always been about comforting the other, and easing their loneliness and pain. They understood each other in ways no one else ever would. They understood what it meant to hate yourself. To feel filthy, and beyond redemption or hope. They both understood what it was to be a special victim. Olivia had been the one to help Mark get away from his father and never look back when he was 17. Helping him file for emancipation and helping him get a job at her Mother's university to support himself. She'd been the one to help him find acceptance with himself so he could move on in life. She'd been the one to make him understand that what his father did to him didn't make him any less a man. Mark had been the one she'd ran to when her mom got drunk and started in on Olivia for daring to be born. Mark had been the one to show her that just because she was a product of rape didn't mean she couldn't be a good person. Didn't mean she wasn't her _own_ person. Together they'd learned to be ok with themselves, and from the strength of their friendship had come a mutual understanding.

Looking deep into Mark's eyes she asked, "You want to get married?"

Tightening his hand around hers, Mark said, "I don't want to be alone. When I'm alone all I have is my demons. When I'm alone I can't focus on anything good. All I can see or remember is the bad. I need someone to keep the darkness away, and I'm hoping you still need that too. I want whatever you'll give me, Livvy."

A tear slipping down her cheek, Olivia whispered, "You know I haven't let anyone call me Livvy since you left. Made sure they didn't. I'm always Liv."

"To others, but you'll always be my Livvy. Just like I'll always be your Clark."

Smiling, Olivia laughed, "My very own Clark Kent. Superman. We were such dorks."

"Dorks that did what we had to in order to survive."

Another silence fell over them before Olivia whispered, "I don't know what's left of me to give, Mark. I … I'm broken now. Life has broken me. I've been existing for the past three years. Not living, just existing. Honestly I've been taking more and more risks at work hoping that …."

She didn't need to say anymore. He knew what she meant. She was hoping the life she led would finish her off. She had been hoping to die in the line of duty because retirement terrified her. If she retired she would truly be alone with no one and nothing to turn to. Stroking his thumb over her hand he offered, "We always did a good job of gluing each other back together. We're both down, Twigs, we're both hurting. We both have nothing else, and I came here to make good on a promise I made almost 20 years ago. I'm here hoping to find some happiness in life. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone and in pain. We don't love each other like a man and wife should. We don't look at each other with lust. We will never be a happily married couple. What we do have is the ability to make each other feel better. I wasn't sure if it would still be like that between us, but from the moment I saw you at the precinct I've been reassured that we still have the same connection. We have the same ability to make the hurt lessen. We can still _talk_ like we used to. We can have something together, Livvy. Not something great and spectacular, but something worth having nonetheless."

Seeing the indecision in her eyes he continued, "We've got nothing else, Twigs. I debated about coming here. I argued with myself about tracking you down for the past year. I weighed the pros and cons, and I finally decided that I've got nothing else to lose. I lost the love of my life. Cindy is gone and I'll never love another like I loved her. You love Elliot, but it sounds like he'll never be yours. Neither of us can have what we truly want, what would make us truly happy, but we can have this. We can have each other."

"This is really sudden, Mark. I haven't seen you in almost 20 years, and here you are proposing marriage."

"I'm proposing we try and build something together. If you don't want to get married that's fine. We don't have to, but I don't want to be alone. I don't want to go to bed alone each night. I don't want to wake up to an empty house. I don't want to spend every day for the rest of my life alone. I don't want to spend every holiday with only myself as company. We don't have true love, Livvy, but we do have love. We might never be truly happy, but we can be content together. That's something. I know this is sudden, but I can't be alone anymore. It's killing me. So here I am."

She thought about it. She thought about how lonely and desperate she had been feeling. She thought about how she worked more and more to avoid having to go home to her apartment. Her apartment where the walls closed in on her and the silence was deafening. Where every second dragged by like an eternity, and the only thing she had to occupy her mind were the cases, her losses, and her regrets. She thought about what it would be like to come home and someone be there. She thought about what it would be like to have someone to hold at night. Someone to wake up and share breakfast with on weekends. Someone to spend the holidays with for once instead of volunteering to work so she wouldn't have to sit home and be depressed on those days. She thought it might be nice, but Mark didn't understand her job or its hours.

"I might not be there as many nights or mornings as you think. My job has odd hours and sometimes I'm at the precinct for days at a time during tough cases."

"It will be enough for me to know you're coming back. That the time alone will only be for awhile, and that I'll see you again."

Olivia fell silent again before whispering, "I want children. I was thinking of looking into artificial insemination."

"I would like children. I think children would be great. Cindy couldn't have kids. That's the only reason I don't have any."

"I don't want to get married right now. I'm not saying I don't want to some day, but not now. And if we have children I want some type of legal document giving us both custody and one that specifies that you can't try to take custody from me based on my job or its hours."

"Livvy, I would never—"

"I _have_ to have it, Mark. I've seen too many people get into custody battles when things go bad between them. I have to have the security of it."

Nodding his head, Mark replied, "I can understand that. I doubt things will ever go bad between us, but if you want it you can have it. Are you on the pill?"

Shaking her head she replied, "No. I went off it two years ago. I saw my doctor about my options of getting pregnant and she said if I was serious about it I needed to get off the pill as soon as possible to increase my chances. I've been using condoms since then, though I really haven't had a chance to use them much either."

"That's good, about the pill I mean."

They fell silent again before Olivia started laughing. "I can't believe we're sitting here and talking about this. I mean we haven't seen each other in almost two decades, you show up today out of the blue, we tell each other our deepest darkest secrets, and now here we are agreeing to start a life together. I … I just can't believe this."

Smiling, Mark replied, "Great minds think alike."

"How can you be sure this is a good idea? How can you know this won't blow up in our faces?"

"Look at it this way, what have we got to lose?"

He had a point. A very good point. Olivia had been thinking about what her life had become and where it was going for some time. She had been looking into artificial insemination, and wondering if it was time to go for it or give up on her dream of having a baby. She had become disgusted with what her life had been reduced to, and stuck in a rut. So maybe this was her chance. Her chance to take some happiness for herself.

She rolled it around in her mind for a moment and then said, "I don't want to quit SVU."

"I don't want you to. You know how much people like you mean to me. SVU is your life, and in a way I feel like every case you solve is a blow against my father. I'm grateful you're out there fighting for victims like you are."

"It could be hard having a baby and me working where I do. The hours and all."

Mark shrugged. "You'll get maternity leave and if I know you, you probably have plenty of vacation stored up. We'll work it out, and after you go back to work I can be a stay at home dad."

"Really? You aren't going to find a job here?"

"Already have. Hudson is going to take me on as a part time professor. I'll work Tuesday's and Thursdays teaching photojournalism. I have the rest of the time off, and besides I don't really need the money to begin with. While I worked for CNN, National Geographic, and various other employers, they paid for all my expenses while traveling. And since I worked almost nonstop my paychecks were pretty much banked. Never bought a house or anything like that. After Cindy died I got a pretty big insurance settlement and lived in an efficiency in London for awhile, so I've barely touched any of my funds."

"So you're loaded?"

"Big time. I can afford to quit Hudson if I need to, but I'd like to try working part time and hiring a nanny/housekeeper to start with … we can make this work, Liv."

Shaking her head, Liv insisted, "This is happening too fast."

Holding her gaze, Mark asked, "Can you really afford to wait?"

They looked into each other's eyes for long moments. He was right. If she was serious about wanting a baby, she really didn't have time to wait. Finally Olivia reached for Mark's hand and answered, "No. Let's do it."


	2. Chapter 2

Someone asked me where I got the idea for this story. Well on New Year's my best friend from school contacted me. We were inseparable through middle school and most of high school until he moved away senior year. We haven't spoken in almost 10 years, and he called me up New Year's day to tell me he was moving back. He did, and it was like he never left. We have literally fallen right back into our friendship. Sharing everything and finishing each other's sentences. Some bonds really do stand the test of time and distance, and that is how I came up with this story. Be aware this fanfic will be about 10-15 chapters.

**Chapter 2**

FIVE MONTHS LATER:

She was three months pregnant. Olivia Benson. Pregnant. Three months along. The words just didn't belong together, but somehow they were. Liv was standing in the bathroom looking at her reflection in the mirror. She had a slight bulge on her stomach, but not enough to be noticeable. Thankfully it was late fall and winter was starting to set in so she'd be able to hide her condition with thick winter clothing for awhile. She wanted to hold off telling anyone about her pregnancy for as long as possible due to the high risk of miscarriage. Until she got near the end of her fifth month she didn't want anyone other than Cragen to know, and him she was telling today. She had to go on desk duty now, so he had to be told.

She and Mark had seen her doctor right away and her doctor had recommended they skip trying to get pregnant naturally and go straight for in vitro fertilization. Her doctor explained it would give her a better chance of getting pregnant, and since she was 43 and nearing the age when many women started to hit menopause, it would be best to move as quickly as possible. Her insurance would cover two procedures, and Mark said he'd pay for as many afterwards as it would take. The first procedure hadn't worked, but the second one had. Three eggs had been fertilized, and two had survived the process. She was now pregnant with twins. _Twins_.

Setting her hand over her stomach, Olivia smiled at her reflection. She had such hopes for this pregnancy, and she didn't know why, but for some reason she knew it was going to be ok. She shouldn't feel this way. Really she shouldn't. The doctor had spoken at length with her and Mark about the risks of miscarriage and birth defects, but for some reason, down to her soul, she knew this pregnancy was going to be ok. The world, Karma, God, whatever was out there, owed her one, and she felt like this was it.

These past five months had gone much better than she had expected. She and Mark had taken their personal relationship slow, but worked quickly to get pregnant. While they spent the first two months reconnecting and learning about how they had each changed over the years, the move to get pregnant had happened within the first week. They'd both decided that no matter what happened between them, whether they could make it as a couple or not, they both wanted a child. So they hadn't waited to make it happen. The day after they'd seen the doctor, Mark had set up an appointment with a lawyer to get the custody agreement drawn up giving them both joint custody. The agreement specified that Mark could not sue for sole custody because of Liv's work. There were a lot of other stipulations as well, but basically they both had rights to the children and recognized the other did as well. Mark agreed that if things didn't work out between them to always work his visitation around her work schedule since his was so much more open, and should they decide to live separately later in life they would alternate holidays. Both hoped they'd never have to use the agreement, but Olivia appreciated having it.

They'd decided that he'd buy a house, but for now she'd keep her apartment since she owned instead of rented. He'd lived with her while he searched, and had lucked out to be alerted to a three bedroom brownstone in Greenwich Village before it actually hit the market. He'd snatched it up immediately and they had spent many a weekend decorating it. So during the week they both stayed at her apartment, and on the weekends they stayed at the brownstone, slowly decorating each room to fit their tastes. The current plan was for her to sublet her apartment and move in with him after the twins were born, and by subletting if things didn't work out between them she would have an apartment she could go to. Right now that didn't look like it was going to happen.

Mark had been right, what they had wasn't perfect, but it was nice. It was comfortable. It was _something, _which was definitely better than nothing. Their friendship had picked back up like it had never stopped. They could still talk about anything, and what's better is that Olivia could actually talk to him about cases. He was someone she could confide in when she couldn't hold it in anymore. He'd experienced so much in his life that he could relate to her, and what she went through every day. He understood what it was like to face the worst side of humanity. He'd lived it in his childhood, and he'd filmed it for his entire adult career. Olivia liked being able to come home and cry in his arms when a difficult case got to her. She'd rarely let anyone see her cry. She could count on one hand the number of times she had teared up in front of Elliot, but she'd never had that problem with Mark. They'd both sobbed in each other's arms as kids, and neither found it hard to do now. As many times as she'd cried over cases and Elliot, he'd cried about Cindy. Neither held it against the other.

Their relationship was strange to say the least. They would both talk about their loves, his for Cindy, and hers for Elliot, and then retire to the bedroom to take comfort in each other. The sex was never wild, passionate, or intense. It was simply about two people connecting to ease their loneliness and pain, and both knew that. It wasn't perfect, but it worked. However they also spent time together as friends, and genuinely had a good time. They went to movies, and shows, went out to dinner, and for walks in the park. They did all the shopping for the house together. They did all sorts of things, and enjoyed not being alone anymore. It was nice, and Olivia found for the first time in her life she didn't feel trapped by her isolation. She felt like she had a future. It wasn't with the man she loved above all else, but it was with a man that understood her and could be there for her, just as she could him.

They talked about everything and anything. They'd had a long talk about Elliot several times, and Mark had let her know that if at any point in the future Elliot was available and she still wanted to try with him, Mark would be glad to step aside. He told her that he'd do anything to have Cindy back so he wouldn't stand in her way of being with Elliot if the possibility ever arose. He said he was just glad they would have children they could raise together, and that if she did ever get with Elliot he would be content with being friends. Liv had said she wasn't holding out for Elliot. He'd made his choices in life and she'd made hers. It was time for them both to accept them, and move on.

What really surprised Liv was how easily she had become accustomed to Mark's presence in her life. She'd been alone for so long that she had honestly expected the transition to be hard, but it never was. He was there, and she was there. They were together, and that was that. No more, no less. They weren't alone anymore and it was nice. His tooth brush was next to hers in her apartment, and vice versa at the brownstone. They each had a side of the bed, their own drawers, and his coffee was next to her tea in the kitchen. She worked late or went in early sometimes, and would leave him a note with an estimation of when she would be back. In response he would leave dinner in the oven for her with his own note if he'd already gone to bed when she made it home. They communicated with texts during the day, and on the days he wasn't at Hudson he always brought her lunch at the precinct to share with her.

That was awkward at first. Elliot had been upset, but hadn't had grounds to say anything, and frankly Liv was tired of his crap. He had no claim on her, and they were barely friends now due to his own actions. She was tired of keeping up with his conflicting emotions and outbursts. So when Mark showed up the first time at the precinct with lunch, Wednesday of the next week since she'd taken work off Monday to spend with him, she had ignored Elliot and headed upstairs to the lounge to eat lunch with Mark. When he'd gone and she'd left with Elliot to track down a lead on a case she'd ignored her partner as he called Kathy to talk about something to do with Eli. She knew he'd done it to try and make her jealous, and she just wasn't going to play his game anymore. She loved Elliot Stabler. She would always love him, but she had not future with him beyond partners. He had walked away from her and any chance they had to be more to one another, and now it was time for her to think of her own future. She had Mark now and she was going to put all her effort into making it work with him. Her time and energy couldn't be devoted to her work and Elliot alone. She'd been doing that for years, and look where it had gotten her.

So she and Mark had fallen into a routine. She didn't work as much overtime as she could, forcing Cragen to send her home. She was no longer the first person there at 7am, instead getting there at 8 or a little after, and she clocked out at 5pm as often as she could. In fact Elliot seemed to be the one that came earlier and left later. She'd heard from Fin that Elliot slept in the crib more often than not, and she figured things weren't going great at home, but she forced herself not to get involved. She had her own life to see to right now.

So her life consisted of going home and usually Mark was already making dinner. She'd sip on a glass of wine or tea as he told her about some photos he was working on, or she'd tell him about her case, and they'd eat. Sometimes they'd go out, and sometimes they'd stay home and read or watch TV. On the weekends they'd go the bookstore, work on the house, go to see a movie or concert, and basically hang out. Mark came by the precinct on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays with lunch, and if she wasn't going to be there she let him know at 11. Usually he dropped something off for her anyways with a little note. The times she did miss lunch with him were almost always Elliot's fault. Her partner would find whatever reason he could to keep her in the field and she knew it, but never called him on it. She was tired of fighting with him, and for the first time had something going in her life outside of work so she didn't focus on him and his problems.

Elliot had asked her about Mark of course, but she'd only given him the most basic facts of their relationship: old friend from high school and college, he left, now he's back, we're together. That was it. Anytime Elliot prodded she'd get him to drop it by asking how Kathy and the kids were. That could shut him down faster than anything else. Elliot had cut her out of his life awhile ago, and now that she finally had someone he was grabbing for her again. Not this time. She was determined to build a life for herself and she wasn't going to let him stop her. She knew it wasn't entirely his fault that she was 43 and alone, she'd done her fair share to get to this point, but he certainly never helped anything. So bottom line, for once in her life she was going to stop engaging in self destructive behavior and make an effort to be happy. Building a life with Mark was her effort. Running her hands over her stomach she thought, '_And this is more of my effort_.'

Mark moved to stand in the doorway of the bathroom and watched Olivia caress her stomach. She was in her pants, which wouldn't fit much longer, and her bra. No shirt. He knew exactly what she was thinking and asked, "Still going to talk to Cragen today?"

"Yes. I called him a little while ago and told him there was something very important I needed to speak to him about. He told me he'd be in his office."

As Olivia finished getting ready he asked, "Want me to bring lunch today, or do you think Elliot will give you a hard time?"

"Oh, he'll definitely wonder why I'm on desk duty, and he'll be mad as hell Cragen and I won't tell him, but I still want you to come by. I'm done tip toeing around him. I want Chinese."

"Of course you do. The usual?"

"Definitely. And I want a chocolate milkshake too."

"But of course. Extra whip cream and three cherries?"

Turning to smile at Mark while she finished buttoning two cherries she laughed, "You know me too well."

"Have to. If I get you mad you have a gun, and a whole heap of knowledge on how to get rid of a body."

"And don't you forget it!" Olivia teased.

As she left the bathroom to get her gun and badge he asked, "Got all your vitamins?"

"Yep. In my bag. Did you confirm our doctor's appointment for next week?"

"Yeah. It's at 9am. You ask for the morning off?"

"I'm going to today. Cragen will give it to me."

Following her to the door, Mark offered, "You should invite him to dinner Saturday night at the brownstone. Let him see the place. From what you've told me and how he acts around you, I think he sees you as the daughter he never had. I think he'd like being asked to dinner."

Smiling as she put on her coat, Olivia said, "I was going to talk to you about that. Don didn't have any kids with his wife, and he doesn't have much family from what I know. I … uh … well I was thinking of asking him to act as the grandfather of the twins. If that's ok with you?"

"Absolutely. Tell him you're pregnant today, and invite him to dinner at the brownstone on Saturday. We'll ask him together then."

"Great." Leaning forward she kissed his cheek and replied, "See you at lunch."

"Bye Twigs."

"Bye Superman."

Twenty minutes later she strolled into the squad room. Elliot was already at his desk, and she noticed he was dressed in all black. He seemed to be doing that more and more lately, and she knew he was doing it intentionally to catch her attention. She never went for it. He'd made his choice and forced her out of his life, and now she'd made hers. She wasn't going to sit around and pine for him and the life they could have had anymore. She would give anything for the babies inside her to be his, but he'd taken that hope away and left her alone. She was doing her best to move on. Setting her things down on her desk she powered up her computer.

"Morning," Elliot greeted.

Looking up Olivia flashed a smile, and replied, "Morning. Cragen in his office?" The blinds were drawn and the door was closed so she wasn't sure. She had come to work early this morning so she could talk to him privately. Hoping no one would see her do it, but it was 7:30 and Elliot was already here.

Sitting back in his chair, Elliot answered, "Yeah. He got here a few minutes before you did. Something up?"

"Just need to talk to him. He told me he'd be in his office this morning and to come in when I got here."

"What about?"

She didn't answer. She just shrugged her shoulders at him and headed for Cragen's office. She knew for her plan to work she had to lead Elliot to believe that Cragen was the one asking to speak to her. Knocking on the door once she opened it and asked, "Cap?"

Cragen looked up from his desk and motioned her inside. "Olivia, have a seat." He watched her shut the door behind her. He'd made sure not to open the blinds this morning since Olivia had made it clear she wanted their conversation private. When she was sitting he asked, "What did you want to talk to me about?"

Olivia didn't waste any time. "I'm pregnant. Three months along. I'm having twins."

Cragen looked shocked for a second before a smile broke out on his face and he stood to hug her. "Congratulations Liv. I'm so happy for you."

"Thanks Don. I'm happy too." When they were both seated again she continued, "I need to go on desk duty."

"Of course. Effective immediately. I'll pair Elliot with Munch, and Fin can work with Wallace." Wallace was the new detective that had come to SVU last month.

Nodding her head, Live said, "Good idea, but I need to ask a favor from you."

"Name it."

"I don't want anyone to know yet. The chances of miscarriage are high due to my age, and until I'm into month five I just don't want anyone knowing. I'm not sure I can hide it that long since I'm having twins, but I want to hide it for as long as possible. With winter coming the clothing will help, and as long as I stay sitting when the guys are in the bullpen hopefully they won't notice my stomach."

"Well you've certainly thought this out, haven't you? May I ask why you don't want anyone to know?"

"Two reasons. First, because if I miscarry I don't want the pitying looks. If this doesn't work out it will be a hard loss for me, and the last thing I need is everyone knowing how much I've lost. Everyone looking at me with pity would only make it worse. And second is I don't need the stress right now. I want to get as far along in this pregnancy with as little stress as possible."

Neither needed to specify what the "stress" would be. Cragen was silent a moment before he said, "You'll have to tell him sooner or later, Olivia."

"I know, and I'm picking later. He made his choices, Don, and now I've made mine. I've done enough for him over the years, and now I'm doing for me. I'm asking for your help with this. I don't know what to tell them, but I don't want anyone to know I'm on desk duty because I'm pregnant. Not yet."

Nodding his head, Cragen said, "I'll tell them that you're on desk duty as reprimand. If they ask what for we can both tell them it's none of their business. They'll all wonder, but at least they won't wonder about the pregnancy … and I'll do my best to keep Elliot off your back."

"Thank you." A smile spreading across her face, Olivia continued, "Mark and I were wondering if you'd like to come to dinner Saturday?"

"I would love to. At your apartment?"

"Well, we've actually got a house in Greenwich Village. We stay at my apartment during the week, and on the weekends we're decorating the house. Mark is remodeling quite a few things. Updating fixtures and repainting. He ripped all the carpet out and replaced it with wood and tile, and we only have two bedrooms left to paint. Kitchen and dining room are done, so we were thinking we'd have dinner there. You'd be our first guest. I was hoping you'd spend the night and go home on Sunday."

Arching a brow, Cragen asked, "Are you marrying him?"

Olivia shrugged and replied, "We haven't decided that yet. For now the plan is to sublet my apartment once I go on maternity leave, and move into the brownstone permanently. We'll take things from there afterwards, but I'll keep the apartment and just rent it out. That way if things don't work between Mark and me, I'll have somewhere to go. We also already worked out a custody agreement just in case. He can't sue for custody because of my job, and the agreement states since he has such a loose work schedule if we split up he'll schedule visitations around my hours."

Impressed by the amount of planning, Cragen said, "I'm guessing this was a planned pregnancy."

"Yes. Mark and I both decided that even if we can't make it as a couple, we still want to have kids. I insisted on the custody agreement beforehand as a precautionary measure."

"Good thinking."

"With everything I've seen, I felt it was something I had to do." Liv stood, headed for the door, and continued, "I really appreciate this, Don. Truly."

Nodding his head, Cragen replied, "I'm always here for you, Liv. Always. And I'm looking forward to Saturday. I'll bring an overnight bag."

"It will be nice to have you. Mark really wants to get to know you." Remembering her doctor's appointment Olivia added, "By the way, I also have a 9am doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I was hoping to have a half day."

"Of course. Anything you need to get through this Olivia, _anything_, you just let me know."

"Thanks, Don. You don't know how much this means to me." Liv flashed him a smile then put a serious expression on her face as she took hold of the door handle. "Time to earn my Oscar."

Laughing, Cragen offered, "You have to look more upset than that. Last time I put you on desk duty you nearly broke my door you slammed it behind you so hard. Shove things around on your desk a bit. He'll buy it."

Nodding her head at her Captain, Olivia put her best scowl on her face and jerked the door open. She made her way to her desk without looking at anyone and took a seat. She began jerking drawers open and shoving them closed, before grabbing a case file and getting started, making sure to write as angrily as she could.

Elliot was still the only other detective in as it was about 20 minutes until 8. He looked back to see Cragen scowling in the doorway of his office before the Captain shut the door. Focusing back on his partner he leaned forward and asked, "Everything ok?"

She wanted to tell him that things were great, and for the first time in her life she was truly excited about something, but that would blow her plans. Sticking to her angry façade she announced in a furious voice, "I'm on desk duty."

Eyes widening, Elliot pressed, "What for? We haven't fucked up lately!"

"Not _we_, Elliot, _me_. _I'm_ on desk duty. Cragen is partnering you with Munch, and Fin is partnering with Wallace."

Shaking his head, Elliot argued, "You didn't do anything! This is bull! Why the hell are you on desk duty?"

"Believe me, you don't want to know." Not a lie in the least. She knew Elliot would definitely not like hearing she was pregnant.

"This is bullshit! He can't put you on desk duty! If you'd screwed up that bad the rest of us would have known it, so this is crap!"

Writing notes in a case file, Liv said, "Let it go, El."

"How long?"

"How long what?" Fin asked as he strolled into the squad room.

Looking up at the other detective, Elliot hissed, "Cragen put her on desk duty!"

"Why is she on desk duty?" Fin asked. A clearly surprised look on is face.

"Who's on desk duty?" Munch asked as he entered the bullpen right behind Fin. Both detectives put their things down and faced the still writing Olivia and a glaring Elliot.

"Why are you on desk duty, Liv?" Fin questioned.

"Because I said so." All eyes turned to Cragen. He stood with his arms crossed in the doorway of his office, and barked, "I'm Captain, and what I say goes. Until further notice Detective Benson is on desk duty. Stabler, you're working with Munch. Fin, when Wallace gets here you're with him. Fill him in on the change. Now all of you get back to work!" Cragen turned and went back into his office. He had paper work to fill out as to why Olivia was truly on desk duty. He could hide her condition from her colleagues, but not the brass.

By now Wallace had entered the squad room. He was in his early thirties and new to SVU, but showed remarkable skill for the tough unit. He obviously cared, and Cragen, along with everyone else, felt he was going to end up being one of the long haulers. Probably be the man to replace Munch, who was thinking of retiring for good in a year or so. It was a good thing Wallace and Fin worked well together. While Fin filled Wallace in on the change, Elliot leaned over his desk to say to Olivia, "I'll talk to him later. I don't know what's got him so pissed, but you have done nothing to earn desk duty."

"Just leave it alone, Elliot. I'm not getting off desk duty anytime soon." Liv couldn't look at him. She couldn't look at him while lying about being pregnant. She just couldn't.

Elliot could tell she didn't want to talk about it. However he wrongly assumed she was pissed she'd been taken off the street. He had no idea she had orchestrated the move to put her behind a desk, and he definitely didn't think she had been taken out of the field because she was pregnant. As Liv continued to work on one of her case files he let his eyes trail over her features. She was always beautiful, but he could admit these last few months there was a glow about her. The lines of her face weren't as pronounced from exhaustion and fatigue. Her skin was once again rosy and healthy, and she had even put on the weight she'd lost over the past few years. Yes, there was no denying Liv looked better than she had in years. Happier … and he hated it. He knew it was Mark making these changes in Liv and he absolutely hated that truth. He wanted to be the one to make Olivia smile and laugh. Not Mark.

What Elliot hated most about Mark coming into Liv's life was the fact Thompson seemed to do so right at the time when his marriage seemed to be hitting its final wall. The past year had not been good between him and Kathy, but the last few months were the worst. The little time they did spend together they fought constantly. Kathy hated his job, hated his hours, and hated the fact he still wouldn't talk to her. He hated that he felt trapped with a woman he had finally realized he'd never truly been in love with. He loved Kathy because she was the mother of his children, but beyond that he felt nothing for her. No desire, no need, nothing. They couldn't even be classified as friends. They had nothing in common, and he wondered if they ever did.

He had thought about quitting SVU and getting on in Queen's in an attempt to try and salvage his marriage, but he couldn't. First, he couldn't leave Olivia. He needed her more than the air he breathed. Olivia and his children were the most important things in his life, and while he couldn't say the words out loud, she meant more to him than Kathy did. When he'd been in that helicopter and heard they'd been in an accident his first thought had been for Liv. His first prayer had been for her life, and as bad a husband and father it made him, Kathy and the baby had been second. The thought of losing Liv could stop his heart dead in his chest. He only had pieces of her, but without those pieces he would be a man destroyed. So there was no way he could walk away from her for good. He'd been a fool and gone back to Kathy, but he he'd always known that trying to leave Olivia in every way would be tantamount to suicide. He couldn't do it.

And along with Liv, he couldn't leave SVU. He couldn't leave behind the victims. SVU was his home and it was the only place he could work. Only place he _wanted_ to work. Robbery, homicide, vice, warrants, narcotics, none of it would work for him. As hard as his job was, it was one of the reasons he got up in the morning. He couldn't see himself doing anything else. He'd tried to explain that to Kathy, but she wouldn't listen to him. More and more she kept hinting that if he didn't leave SVU, she would leave him. He was ashamed to admit he was almost eager for her to call it quits again. He was tired of living a lie, and yet he couldn't find it in him to walk out on his own. He'd started to several times. He'd actually gotten a bag packed and made it to the door more than once, but each time his Catholic guilt rose up in him. _A man doesn't abandon his family._ He heard the words over and over, and every time he made it to the door with his bag, every time he started to tell Kathy he couldn't do it anymore, those words would ring in his head and he couldn't go through with it.

So that's why Mark showing up now irked him so. He knew it made him a bastard, but he'd been hoping that Kathy would walk away again soon, and then he could go to Liv guilt free. He knew he was an ass to want Liv to wait for him, but he couldn't help it. He'd been hoping that for once in his life things would finally go his way, but now it was looking more and more like they wouldn't. For the first time since he'd met Olivia it looked like she might have found someone she could spend the rest of her life with. Someone that wasn't him. She had never had a relationship last for more than a few months, let alone reach the point where she allowed a guy to move into her apartment.

He knew she didn't know that he knew Mark was living with her. He'd found that out on his own. He'd showed up at her house one Saturday afternoon, after a bad fight with Kathy, and been planning to finally break down and tell his partner how bad his home life was, but when he'd arrived he'd seen Mark carrying groceries into Liv's apartment building. Seeing Mark use his own key showed Elliot that Liv's relationship with the man had progressed farther than he'd imagined. It had made his stomach burn with anger, and he'd driven off to hit the gym so he could work out his aggression.

Sitting here now, watching Liv, and seeing that damned ring on his left hand, he felt sick to his stomach. He saw the woman he loved every day, and every day the weight of the ring on his finger keeping him from her grew heavier and heavier. Each day he watched her slip farther and farther away from him. Every time Mark brought Liv lunch it was like a sucker punch. He literally felt pain every time he saw Liv smile at the bastard trying to take her away, and all he wanted to do was grab her and tell her not to let him go. Not to leave him behind. Not to give up on _them_. He wanted to tell Liv he loved her. He wanted to tell her that it was all but over with Kathy, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. He had so much to say, but until the ring was off his finger, until he finally got the nerve to speak to Kathy, or she got fed up and finally left him for good, he had no right to say anything to Liv … and it was killing him. He could see his life falling apart, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

…

…

The rest of the day passed slowly. Liv ignored all the questioning looks from Elliot and her friends. She knew they wondered why she was on desk duty, and why she and Cragen refused to elaborate on it, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything. She hated lying, especially to her colleagues. So she wanted to say as little to them as possible, and thankfully Cragen had made it clear he wouldn't discuss the issue. Fortunately Elliot and Munch had left a little while ago to follow up with a witness, and Fin and Wallace had left before then to answer a call about a rape at Columbia. So she was alone in the bullpen when Mark arrived with lunch.

"Hey, Livvy. You hungry?" Mark asked as he entered the squad room carrying the bag of food and Olivia's chocolate shake.

Olivia turned to face him with a smile. "Of course I am. I'm starving."

Looking around Mark asked, "Where is everyone?"

"Fin and Wallace are out on a call. Elliot and Munch are following up with a witness."

"Oh, then let's go up to the lounge and eat."

"I'd like a word with you first," Cragen announced from the doorway. He'd heard Mark enter the squad room from his office, and had come to meet him. He looked at Olivia and said, "Why don't you go on up to the lounge to eat. I just want a minute with Mr. Thompson here."

"Captain," Olivia began.

"Now, Detective."

Mark handed Olivia the bag and murmured, "Go on, Livvy, I'll be up shortly." He kissed her cheek and followed Donald Cragen back into his office.

Olivia looked after them, but once Cragen shut the door there was nothing she could do. He had the blinds drawn so she couldn't see them. Releasing a sigh she turned and headed up to the lounge to eat. She didn't like her shake to melt before she got to drink it.

"Have a seat, Mark," Cragen said as he took he moved behind his desk.

Mark sat down in one of the chairs in front of the older man's desk. He was pretty sure he knew what the Captain wanted to talk to him about, and frankly he was happy. He was pleased that Olivia had someone in her life that looked after her like a father should. She deserved it. "Sir?"

"I love her like my own daughter, Mark. You need to know that."

"I do."

"And you need to know I'm not the only one that loves her."

"We talking about her _brothers_ out there, or Elliot?"

Cragen was impressed Mark wasn't going to play dumb or beat around the bush. He decided to respond in kind. "Elliot…you know he loves her right? And you know she loves him?"

"I'm aware. Liv has told me everything about her relationship with Elliot. I'm aware they are soul mates, and for her sake I wish things could be different. It's a shame he walked away from what they could have had, and I know I can't ever make her as happy as he probably could if he was free to. Liv and I aren't in love like Elliot and she are, and we'll never be, but we can be somewhat happy. More importantly together we don't have to be alone. I need this every bit as much as she does. He chose to leave her, but that doesn't mean she has to be alone."

"You seem to be awfully comfortable with the knowledge Liv loves another man and would prefer to be with him."

Mark shrugged. "I would prefer to be with another woman. The love of my life is dead and I can never have her back. I can't have my Cindy back, and for the moment Liv can't have Elliot. He isn't here for her, and I am. Right now I can give her comfort and the children she's always wanted. If one day he gets his head out of his ass and realizes staying with the wrong woman for the sake of religion isn't right, and finally gets divorced, I'll step aside if that's what Liv wants. For now I'm happy to be with her, and she's happy to be with me."

"So you're expecting to lose her to him?"

"I know it's possible, but at least we'll have the children, and no matter what she and I will always be friends."

Nodding his head, Cragen replied, "I can see that. You and Liv seem to have deep roots. Strong bonds between you."

"We do. What we've been through together created a bond between us that will never go away. No matter what happens, if she gets with Eliot or not, we'll always be friends."

Cragen was silent for a moment before he said, "You know when he finds out it won't be pretty."

"Livvy can handle him. Besides, he has no right to get angry. He has his family. He might get divorced, he might not, but he'll always have his kids. If he'd only made the right choice it could be his babies inside her, but he let his guilt rule him. That's not my fault, and it's not hers. Olivia deserves to have some of her own happiness. We both deserve to have a family."

"I expect you to be good to her. To take care of her."

Mark laughed. "Twigs takes care of herself. I'm just there for her to lean on from time to time, and vice versa, but I promise I'll never hurt her like Elliot has. I don't think I could if I wanted to."

"That's all I needed to hear. I guess I'll see you on Saturday."

Standing Mark held his hand out to shake Cragen's and replied, "Can't wait to have you over." When Cragen released his hand Mark turned and left the office to join Olivia. As he ascended the stairs he caught her curious expression and said, "He just wanted to give me the father talk. Don't hurt her and stuff like that."

Swallowing the bite of sesame chicken, Liv laughed, "Please! I can take you any day!"

"Don't I know it … so did you save any for me?"

Thirty minutes later Elliot and Munch walked back into the bullpen. They were arguing over the credibility of the witness's statement while Elliot carried a bag with Liv's favorite turkey on rye sandwich. He figured she was probably in a pissy mood about being taken off the street, and he wanted to give her a peace offering. He'd been a real jerk lately, and was hoping he could give her the sandwich and maybe get her to tell him why Cragen put her on desk duty. However as he and Munch stepped into the bullpen he spotted Liv's empty desk, but before he could wonder where she was he heard her laughter coming from the upstairs lounge area. He heard her laugh and _knew_ she was up there with Mark. The man that was taking her away from him. Shoving the bag in Munch's hands he clenched his fists and said, "Go tell Cragen about our meeting with the witness. I have to talk to Olivia about something."

Munch arched a brow and fingered the bag with the sandwich that apparently wasn't going to be delivered to Olivia. "It sounds like she's busy, Elliot. Maybe you should wait. Let's go fill Cragen in on the shaky witness statement."

Elliot leveled an icy glare at Munch, and repeated, "I need to speak with Olivia. You really want to stop me, Munch?"

The older man held Elliot's gaze for a moment before releasing a sigh and stepping away from him. He dropped the bag with the sandwich in the trash and headed for the captain's office. He had no doubt that Elliot was going to cause trouble, and he just hoped it didn't get to bad. He'd learned long ago it was never smart to get between Benson and Stabler when they fought. The fallout was too great.

Fists clenched at his sides Elliot made his way up the stairs. He found Olivia and Mark sitting side by side on the couch. Mark was trying to steal one of the cherries off her shake, and she was pushing him away while laughing. Clearing his throat loudly he sent a glare at Mark before focusing on Olivia and asking, "Can I talk to you? Alone?"

Liv could plainly see the anger in Elliot's gaze. She doubted anything he wanted to say to her would be good, but avoiding him would only make it worse. She could see Mark looking at her, silently asking with his eyes if she wanted him to step in. Setting her hand on his knee she whispered, "I'll be right back." Standing she looked at Elliot and questioned, "Locker room or roof?"

"Roof."

Neither spoke as they headed up to the roof. They stopped only long enough so that Liv could grab her coat off the back of her chair. Elliot still had his on. When they were on top of the building, the door firmly closed behind them, Elliot whirled on Olivia and demanded, "Why are you on desk duty?"

Crossing her arms over her chest, Olivia braced herself for the fight she knew was about to take place. "Because Cragen put me on desk duty."

"For no reason? He just put you on desk duty? Didn't say why?"

"Of course there's a reason."

"Then tell me! Tell me why you aren't working with me?"

"I'm still working with you, just not in the field."

"You know what I mean, Liv!"

Shrugging, Olivia replied, "You'll have to ask Cragen. I can't say."

"He won't say. You're choosing not to say. Captain has a right to tell me to butt out, but you're my partner! You're supposed to tell me things like this! You're supposed to communicate with me!"

She couldn't help it. She laughed. "Communicate? That's rich coming from you. Elliot we haven't _communicated_ in years. You made sure of that."

He flinched away from her. There was no need to ask her what she meant. He knew already, and he hated having his misdeeds thrown in his face. Telling himself that this was different, he argued, "Wanting to keep my personal life and my professional life separate is different. This is about work, our partnership, and I want to know why my partner isn't in the field with me!"

"Elliot, the only thing I'm required to tell you as my partner is that I'm on desk duty because Cragen put me on desk duty. That's it. Don't go on some tirade about our partnership when you've all but walked away from it. We talk about cases, and that's it."

"Things have been better between us, Liv. You know that."

"Things are better between us when you decide to stop being a jerk to me. You have spent three years ignoring me, pushing me away, belittling me, and basically not being there when I needed you. I've tried to reach out to you more times than I can count, and now, all of a sudden, you want us to be friends again. You want us to _communicate_. Well I hate to burst your bubble here, Stabler, but it doesn't work that way. I'm on desk duty, and if Cragen won't tell you why, you're shit out of luck, because I have no desire to _communicate_ with you on the matter."

Elliot looked at her in shock before anger quickly surfaced. He knew she was right, he knew he had been a jerk to her for a long time, but he couldn't help it. He'd done it for her. He'd done it because he didn't know what else to do. When he'd made the decision to go back home it had killed him. It had felt like his heart was breaking, and he knew he couldn't abide by his decision as long as he'd continued to share in the close bond and friendship he'd had with Olivia. So he'd pushed her away. Now that the repercussions were finally starting to hit him hard, he couldn't face the fact he might have truly lost Olivia, by his own actions nonetheless.

Fists clenching, he hissed, "You know, Liv, maybe Cragen put you on desk duty because you're so wrapped up in Marky, that you've forgotten how to do your damn job! At least I never let my personal life interfere with my work!"

"Oh you haven't? You haven't gone off on perps because life at home wasn't as peachy keen as you wanted everyone to believe? You weren't a total bastard to everyone here the two years you were separated from Kathy? Cragen, Fin, Munch, and I never had to lie and cover for you when Maureen's picture got put on the web, and you nearly ruined all our careers to beat up a suspect? You didn't break the law to get Kathleen off for her DUI? I can name dozens of examples when you let your personal life interfere with the job. I can name them because I was always there to cover for you."

Taking a step closer to him, Liv continued, "This isn't about my job or ability to do it. This is about you being jealous I finally have someone in my life that isn't going anywhere. For years you were the only constant I had besides SVU, and you got used to being the focus of my attention. I was just a side note for you, but you enjoyed being all I had besides this job. Now that's not true anymore, and you're jealous. Well too fucking bad. You pushed me away, you spit on our friendship and close bond as partners, and you did your damndest to cut me out of your life. Well congratulations, mission accomplished. You have your life, and I have mine. End of story."

"Liv, I—"

"Don't. Just _don't_, Elliot." Shaking her head at him, Liv stated, "I'm on desk duty because Cragen had no other choice. It was either desk duty or I transfer to computer crimes. If he wants to tell you more he can, but I'm not discussing this with you right now. I'm truly sorry you've finally decided you want to communicate with me. I'm sorry because you've made this decision at a time in my life when I don't want to communicate with you. I have things going on in my personal life now, and you're not a part of it."

Tears filled her eyes as she whispered, "You're not a part of it, El. You're not a part of it because you chose to not be a part of my personal life, chose not to be my friend, awhile ago. I don't know why you felt like we couldn't be friends when you went home, but you did. You decided, and you cut me out of your life. You made your choices and now I've made mine. We both have to live with them."

Elliot stood dumbfounded. He'd never heard Liv speak like this, and what was worse is that everything she was saying was true. He wasn't a part of her life outside of the job because he had chosen to cut her out of his own personal life. He was the reason they were in this position. He was the reason Olivia had taken up with Mark. He was the reason she didn't know how close he was to divorce, for good, and how much he wanted to tell her to wait for him. He was the reason they no longer communicated with just a glance. He was the reason for it all, and he didn't know what to say. He watched a tear fall down Liv's cheek. He watched her brush it away and murmured, "Liv, I didn't want—"

"It doesn't matter what you want or didn't want, Elliot. All that matters is that this is how things are."

"So … so we're not friends? You don't want to be friends?"

"I didn't say that. I would love to have back what we had before you went home. I would love to be able to talk to you about things, and be able to hang out and watch a game on a Sunday afternoon. I hope we can get back to that one day. What I'm saying is that right now I can't do that. Right now I can't put the time or energy into rebuilding our friendship because what time and energy I don't devote to this job I'm devoting to building my personal life. I'm sorry you're finally ready to reach out to me, because you've chosen a time when I can't reach back. I have a life beyond this job now, and I have to focus on it for the time being."

They stood staring at each other for long moments. Elliot's eyes were filled with anger, heartache, and regret. Olivia's mirrored those same emotions. Finally Liv asked, "I waited three years to be friends with you, Elliot. Will you be here for me?"

Would he? Could he stand around waiting for Olivia to have time for him? Could he go through what he put her through? He didn't know if he could. He didn't know if he could watch her build a life outside of work, a life that didn't include him, while his own family life fell apart. He didn't know if he could do it, but he knew he had to try. Liv was right, he owed her more than he could ever repay. Nodding his head he replied softly, "I'll be here for as long as I can. Liv … I … I didn't mean for things to get like this. Really I didn't."

"I know, Elliot. I know. But they are like this, and there's no going back. You went home, and I've chosen to make things work with Mark. Those were our choices, and now we have to live with them."

He wanted to tell her he wasn't happy. He wanted to tell her that things weren't working out with Kathy. He wanted to tell her that he wished he'd never gone home … but he couldn't. Things with his wife were uncertain, but he still had nothing he could offer Liv, and it would be wrong of him to give her false hope, again. As much as he wanted to tell her to leave Mark because he and Kathy were getting divorced, he knew he couldn't. Instead he simply nodded his head and asked, "Are you going to ask for a new partner? Is this all just a build up to that?"

"No. When I get off desk duty I fully intend to be your partner again. As long as you want to be my partner."

"You are my partner, Liv. You were always my partner. Whether you were in computer crimes or Oregon. No matter what you're my partner."

"Okay then." Moving to walk past him she said, "I'm going to go finish my lunch."

Elliot watched her go. He was still facing the city as he added, "For what it's worth, Liv, I wish I could go back and change things. I wish things could be different between us. I wish …."

As his words trailed off Liv felt more tears building in her eyes. Pulling the door open she replied, "I wish things were different too, El, but they're not. Now all we can do is try to be as happy as we can."

He heard her go. He heard the door click behind her leaving him alone on the roof. Looking out over the city he thought, '_If I don't make a decision soon there will be no happiness for me. I either need to figure out how to make things work with Kathy, or I need to end it and tell Liv how I really feel, and hope it's not too late. Either way, I don't have much time._'


	3. Chapter 3

Somebody asked me about the time jumps and why I'm going so fast, and the answer to that is that the bulk of this story happens at the end of Liv's pregnancy and after the twins are born. I'm skipping the beginning to get to the real part of the story. Consider the last two chapters the setup for what will happen. This chapter is the true beginning of the story, where Elliot and Olivia, Elliot especially, have to face the fact that life has its ups and downs. That life is not always ideal, and sometimes we have to pay for our own stupidity.

**Chapter 3**

**ALMOST THREE MONTHS LATER:**

Liv sat in the passenger seat of the car staring at the photo in her hands. She and Mark had just left yet another check up at the OBGYN, and been given another clean bill of health for her and the twins. They'd decided together that they didn't want to know the sex of the babies, but had asked for a copy of the ultrasound so they could frame it. They'd both gotten a copy and Olivia couldn't stop staring at hers.

She had just reached the end of her fifth month and in four days she would be hitting the six month mark, the beginning of her third trimester, and the designated "safety zone" in terms of miscarriage. The doctor had said all the tests had come back normal, and things were looking good. Due to her age and risk of birth defects she and Mark had requested to have all screening tests done, and thankfully the results had shown that the twins were fine with no sign of abnormality. They were growing at a normal rate, and their heartbeats were strong and healthy. Overall, things were going wonderfully, and Olivia couldn't be happier. Stroking a hand over her growing stomach she smiled at the picture, and thought, '_My babies. My children._'

Beside her Mark couldn't help but smile as well. He was every bit as excited about this birth as Olivia. He'd always wanted children, but since Cindy hadn't been able to have them he'd made peace with the fact he would never get to be a father, but now that was no longer the case. While he still loved Cindy, and missed her terribly, he was glad he had Olivia, and the children they had decided to raise together. He might lose her one day to another man, the man she truly loved, but he'd always have these children with her, and that was good enough for him. Reaching over for her hand while keeping his eyes on the road, he asked, "Unbelievable, huh?"

Looking at Mark next to her as they both rested their hands atop her growing belly, she replied, "Yeah … it's amazing."

"I know."

A comfortable silence passed between them before Mark said, "Are you going to tell him before Monday?"

Olivia didn't need to ask what Mark was talking about. Mark was wondering if she was going to call Elliot and speak to him in private before Monday came. Today was Friday, and Monday would be the first time she'd seen her partner in almost a month. This past week had been the Thanksgiving holiday, thankfully her doctor was from India and didn't celebrate such festivities, but this past week she had. For the first time ever she had taken vacation to celebrate. She'd invited Cragen, Munch, Fin and his son over since none of them had much family, and that was when they'd all seen just how pregnant she was.

She'd been very good at staying seated while in the squad room, and keeping her coat on to keep her stomach covered while coming in or leaving the building, so her colleagues had been shocked when they'd shown up at the brownstone on Thanksgiving and seen her stomach so full and round through the light red cashmere sweater she'd been wearing. Most women bloomed near the end of their fifth month, and she was no exception. Especially with twins. There had been questions of course, but mostly congratulations as she filled her co-workers in on how her life was changing … now the only one that still didn't know was Elliot.

Cragen had tried to help her reach her six month goal of being stress free by loaning Elliot out to work a case in Baltimore. NYC lead the nation in sex crime busts and convictions, and Baltimore PD had requested a seasoned detective to come in and lead their relatively new unit as it tried to take down a child pornography ring. Cragen had elected Elliot to go. Her partner had left almost a month ago and when he'd come back Olivia had already taken off for Thanksgiving vacation. So Monday would be the first time she'd seen him in nearly a month, and at almost six months pregnant, with twins no less, there was no hiding her condition. So now Mark was posing the question of whether she was going to call Elliot and arrange a private meeting before Monday, or if she was just going to hope for the best come next week. Honestly, she didn't know what to do.

She'd been so certain that hiding her pregnancy from Elliot for as long as possible was the best thing to do, but now that the time to come clean had arrived, she was worried about the fallout. She knew Elliot was going to be furious and jealous about her being pregnant with Mark's children, and he was going to feel betrayed that she'd kept it from him. She was worried that this would damage their partnership beyond repair, but she had honestly believed it was the best course of action.

'_I couldn't tell him before. I know how he gets. I didn't need him trying to interfere any more than he does already. I know I made the right decision for me, I just don't know if I made the right decision for my partnership._'

Beside her, Mark could tell how deeply Olivia was conflicted by all this. Squeezing her hand gently, he offered, "I think you should call him. You need to ask him to come over, and you need to sit him down and tell him in person. He deserves to hear it from you, and not find out second hand at the precinct on Monday. He deserves not to have to walk in to the bullpen and see you pregnant. I don't think you should put him on the spot like that."

"He's going to be pissed, Mark."

"He is, but you knew he would when you made the decision to keep it a secret. I'm not saying it wasn't the right decision, because I agree that you needed to be as stress free as possible, but that doesn't mean your decision doesn't have consequences. You need to call him over and talk to him one on one. Tell him why you've decided to make the choices you have, and explain to him why you kept it a secret. After he calms down, if he's half the man and friend you say he is, he'll get over it. It might take him some time, but he'll be happy that you're finally getting what you want out of life. What you deserve."

Looking out the window to watch the city pass by, she whispered, "What if he tells me he doesn't want to be my partner anymore? What if he walks away? I … I don't think I could take it."

Mark wasn't upset by her words. He knew Olivia didn't love him like a wife should, just as he didn't love her like a husband should. He also knew it was doubtful they would ever get married, and that was fine with him. He was just glad that he had something in his life beyond memories now. He had a future as a father, regardless of whether he and Olivia ended up going their separate ways. He knew Olivia loved Elliot the way he had loved Cindy, and he didn't begrudge her that. Truthfully, he wished that Elliot would realize what he was giving up by allowing his Catholic guilt to eat at him and keep him in a marriage that wasn't working. Mark wanted Olivia to have the love of her life, but if she couldn't, he was happy to have her for himself. "If he walks away, if he refuses to stand by you despite the fact you've put up with so much from him, then he doesn't deserve you. From what I've heard, you have bent over backwards for Stabler, and now it's time for him to do the same. It's time for him to step up and be your partner … besides, I don't think either one of you could ever truly leave the other. You may never get to be together in the way you are supposed to be, but I think only death will be able to actually separate you two. He'll be jealous and mad about the pregnancy, but he won't leave you."

Olivia smiled at Mark's words. "I'm glad you're here, Mark. Really, I am."

"I'm glad I'm here too … so are you going to call him?"

She thought it over for a moment before nodding her head. "Yes. I think I'll call him tonight and ask him to come over to the apartment tomorrow. You're right, he deserves to hear it from me first. He deserves to be told in person on our own terms. Not at work Monday."

"Good idea… So what do you want for lunch?"

**9 PM THAT NIGHT AT THE STABLER HOME:**

"Kathy, could we not fight right now? Please?" Elliot asked as he rubbed his hand over his face and leaned against the kitchen counter while his wife stood in front of him with her arms crossed over her chest. Thankfully Eli was the only one home, and he was already in bed. All the other kids were out since it was Friday night and they all had to start school again on Monday.

"If not now, then when? Damn it, Elliot, you are never home! In the past month you were gone for three weeks! In the past six months you sleep maybe two nights out of the week here, and those are usually on weekends!"

"And I've been home all week and all you've done is scream at me! What's the point of coming home if all you're going to do is start a fight?"

"Because you won't listen to me!"

Gripping the counter on either side of him, Elliot stared at his wife, and forced his voice to be calm and steady. "What do you want to talk about?"

Lowering her own voice, Kathy pressed on, "I want to talk about us. I want to talk about our family. I want to talk about the changes we promised to make."

"When I agreed to come back home I promised to make it to three out of five of the family events. I go to all of Eli's preschool meetings, all of the twins school games and parent/teacher nights, I've only missed one of Kathleen's counseling sessions, and have gone to Hudson with you for lunch with Maureen on the weekends more times than I can count. What more to do you want from me? I work my ass off at work, and then run myself ragged to fit in all the meetings and events the kids have. What more can I do?"

Shaking her head, Kathy demanded, "What about _me_, Elliot? What about our time together? When was the last time we did something together as husband and wife? The only time I ever see you is when we have something to do with the kids. We haven't even had sex in over a year!"

Elliot couldn't argue with that. He hadn't had the desire to touch Kathy in a long time. Hell, the night he got her pregnant with Eli he hadn't really wanted her. It had been about comfort, and even then he'd had to close his eyes and picture Olivia to get himself off. '_How messed up is that?!_' He couldn't even get aroused by Kathy anymore because just the sight of her reminded him of how much he wanted her to be someone else. How much he longed to see dark brown hair instead of blond. How he longed to see dark eyes shining back at him instead of blue. No, he couldn't make love to Kathy because everything about her was wrong. She wasn't Olivia. '_God, I am so messed up. I can't stand the sight of my wife, and my wife is the one keeping me from the woman I really want. How did things get like this?_'

When Elliot didn't answer, Kathy asked softly, "Are you having an affair?"

"Damn it, Kathy! I told you I have never had, nor will ever have an affair!"

"Then why don't you want to have sex anymore? Why do you spend more nights in the crib at the precinct than our own bed?"

He wanted to tell her. He was so close to telling her that he couldn't sleep in this house anymore because it made him feel sick, it made his heart hurt. The walls felt like prison bars, and the air itself stifled him. He was on the verge of telling her that he wasn't in love with her anymore, had never truly been in love with her, and that he wanted to end this lie they were living. The words were on the tip of his tongue until his gaze landed on the gold cross pendant Kathy was wearing. The pendant she'd worn around her neck for nearly 25 years. She'd been wearing it around her neck that night in the back seat of his dad's car that had set him on this path, and she'd been wearing it the night she lifted the comforter off the bed over three years ago that had him stuck on this path. That cross was both salvation and suffering to him, and the words he longed to speak to the wife he didn't love died in his throat. Instead he simply shook his head, and whispered, "Kathy, let's just not fight anymore. Ok?"

Kathy looked at the defeated expression on her husband's face. Truthfully she knew why Elliot didn't like coming home. She knew he didn't love her, that he felt trapped with her, and to herself she was willing to admit she didn't love him the way she should either, but he was all she'd had. She'd had a grand total of five dates during the two years they were separated, and when she'd found out she was pregnant she'd been terrified. She didn't want to end up alone with a young child. She knew that things would never be perfect with Elliot, but she'd hoped they could be comfortable. When she'd decided to invite him back home, she'd told herself that she could hold out for retirement and then things could be better between them, because deep down she knew what the true obstacle was in her life; Olivia Benson.

Kathy was well aware that her husband was head over heels in love with Olivia Benson, and she knew his partner felt the same. Some small part of her felt bad for coming between them when they were obviously made for each other, but the larger part of her couldn't stand the thought of them being together. She knew if she left Elliot again he would run straight to his partner and never look back. He'd go to Olivia and she would be left alone. They'd have each other and she'd have no one. She had honestly expected them to get together during the separation, and had been surprised when they hadn't. She didn't know what had kept Elliot from seeking out a romantic relationship with Olivia then, but she knew if she asked for another separation from him now he would waste absolutely no time rectifying that mistake. The fact that her husband whispered Olivia's name while asleep at night (the few nights he did sleep here), assured her of that.

She couldn't bear the thought of them together while she had no one. As a 44, 45 in two months, old woman she knew her prospects of finding love again were slim to none. She knew it was wrong, but she was holding onto Elliot simply because he was all she had. Sometimes she wanted to ask Elliot if he wanted to leave, but she was too afraid he'd jump at the chance. What they had wasn't good, but it was better than nothing. Finally she said, "I just want things to be better between us, Elliot. I want you to talk to me about things."

Elliot shook his head sadly, and replied, "That's not what we have, Kathy. Truthfully, we never had that."

"What does that mean?"

"Kathy, we were young when we got married, and as we grew up we grew into entirely different people. I can't talk to you about my problems because you couldn't even begin to understand them."

"Then make me understand! Explain them to me!"

"Kathy, that's a problem in itself! I don't want to have to give details, or explain them! When I need to talk about something from work that is bothering me I need to talk to someone that just _knows_! I need someone that doesn't need the details to understand."

"Olivia … you're talking about Olivia. You want her. That's what you're trying to say, isn't it?"

Elliot fell silent. Kathy was right. He wanted Olivia, _needed_ her. They used to be able to talk out a bad case with nothing more than a long lingering look. His gaze would convey how hard he was hit by a little girl being molested, how it reminded him of his daughters, and Olivia's gaze would reflect that she understood, her gaze would remind him that his daughters were home and safe. With a look they could make the other's hurt go away. With so few words they could talk about and get over the worst cases. Hell, just the presence of the other could keep the shadows back for them. Well they could until he went home and cut Olivia out of his life. Now he found himself drowning while Olivia reached for someone else. Reached for Mark.

Elliot needed his connection with Olivia to keep him grounded. She was his anchor, and these past eight months since Mark had come into her life and she was truly moving away from him had shown him that fact clearly … but he couldn't tell Kathy that. Running a hand over his head he finally said, "Kathy, I will never be able to talk to you about work. _I just can't._ That's not something that is going to happen between us. If you want to talk it needs to be about the house, or the kids, or about Christmas. We can talk about birthday parties, school clothes, and things like that. Never about my problems or about my work, ok?"

"Elliot, I want more between us than the kids and this house! I want some type of personal connection! I'm your wife!"

"Kathy, the kids and this house is all we've ever had between us … you know that."

She jerked back as though he'd struck her. Her eyes widened with both shock and pain. Elliot had never come right out and admitted that they'd never been in love before, that he'd only married her because it was the Christian thing to do, but the meaning behind his words now was clear. He'd basically told her the only thing keeping him with her were their children. She'd known that of course, but it still hurt her to hear him say it so bluntly. "Elliot … I—how can you—"

**RING RING RING!**

Never taking his gaze from Kathy's, Elliot reached to pick the phone off the wall and asked, "Hello?...Liv, hey, did we catch a case?...Tomorrow? Yeah, I can meet you … no that's fine. I'll see you then … Ok. Yeah. Bye."

When Elliot hung up the phone, Kathy demanded, "Why are you meeting her?"

Elliot crossed his arms over his chest and shrugged. "Don't know. She just told me to meet her at her apartment. Said there was something she needed to talk to me about." Elliot did his best to contain his excitement, knowing if Kathy saw it things would only get worse right now, but it was hard for him to do. He hadn't seen Olivia in almost a month and he felt like a man dying of thirst and she was a cool glass of water. He had been beyond disappointed when he'd returned last week from Baltimore and found she'd already taken off for Thanksgiving vacation. He'd desperately wanted to see her, and every day this past week he'd fought down the desire to drive over to her apartment and do just that.

Kathy's eyes narrowed. "So you will talk to her, but not me?"

"I'm talking to you right now. Just because there are some things I won't discuss with you, doesn't mean I won't talk to you. I told you the day I joined SVU fifteen years ago that I would never speak to you about my cases. You said you were ok with that. I haven't changed my decision, and I'm sorry you have, but my work, the problems and issues that come with it, are not up for discussion, Kathy."

She hated what he was saying to her right now. He was basically telling her that there were parts of himself he freely gave to Olivia, but not her. It made her skin crawl to know that Olivia had any part of Elliot that she didn't. Kathy knew, however, that continuing to press the issue would do no good. Instead she asked, "You're going to her apartment? Tomorrow? On a Saturday? And you won't tell me why?"

"Can't tell you, Kathy. Liv just said she needed to see me about something important and asked me to meet her at her apartment tomorrow at 11am. So I'm going."

"What if I say I have a problem with you going to see her tomorrow?"

"Then I'll say I don't care, and am going anyway. Liv said she needs to see me. She's my partner, and I'm going."

They stared off. Long moments passed in silence before Kathy finally hissed, "Just as long as you remember who your wife is!"

When Kathy spun around and began storming off, Elliot replied, "I'm well aware that you're my wife, Kathy, _well aware_." She paused for a moment before continuing on to go upstairs. When she was gone, Elliot thought, '_I wonder what Olivia needs to see me about? God I hope she tells me things aren't working out between her and Mark and she needs me to help her move his shit out. Please, God, let it be that._'

**THE NEXT MORNING:**

Olivia looked around the apartment she no longer lived in. It was still in her name, but she hadn't actually slept in the place for over a month. She and Mark had decided to buy all new furniture for the brownstone so her furniture was still here, but that was going to change soon. She was putting the apartment up for rent next week and shipping everything she and Mark hadn't already moved to the new house into storage. The only reason she was even here today was because she hadn't wanted to speak to Elliot at her new home. She felt it would be too much of a blow.

Glancing at the clock she saw it was about 10 minutes until eleven and she knew Elliot would be here soon. Her stomach was in knots about the upcoming confrontation. She knew Elliot was going to be beyond pissed about what she'd done, and she knew that this could very well be the worst fight they'd ever had, that this moment could actually signal the end of her decade long partnership with Elliot Stabler. In a nutshell she was terrified. '_Please don't let him walk out on me. Please, if there is a God, don't let him walk away from me for good. I need him._'

Outside of the building Elliot got out of his jeep, locked the doors, and headed for the door of Olivia's apartment complex. He'd slept on the couch last night, even though Kathy hadn't asked him to, and had been unable to think of anything other than what Olivia wanted to speak to him about. His mind had been rolling the question over in his mind all night, and he'd barely gotten any sleep. He had been itching to go this morning, and had actually been tempted to call Liv and see if she wanted to have breakfast and talk then, but had been able to refrain. As much as he needed Olivia, needed to see her again after going nearly a month without being next to her every day, he couldn't let her know how much he depended on her presence in his life. He wasn't free to say those words to her, and it wouldn't be fair to either of them to voice aloud what was between them until the ring on his finger keeping them from being together was finally off. For good.

He lucked out and someone was leaving just as he got to the door so he didn't have to wait for Liv to buzz him up. He decided to take the stairs since he wanted to lose a few pounds. He wouldn't admit it, but Mark's physical fitness made him want to look even better in comparison. Making his way up the stairs, taking them two at a time, he found himself at Liv's door and knocking. His heart was actually racing in his chest, and not from his near jog up five flights either. He was so eager to see Olivia he felt like a boy on his first date.

On the other side of the door Olivia's head jerked up from where she was sitting on the couch. She hadn't buzzed Elliot in, but she couldn't think of anyone else it could be either. "Elliot?" she called out.

"Yeah, Liv. Some guy was leaving and let me in. You going to open the door?"

Pushing herself up off the couch, with great difficulty, Olivia made her way to the door and put her hand on it. Feeling her heart racing she said, "Yeah, but first I need you to promise me something?"

On the other side of the door, Elliot felt confusion. "Promise what?"

"I need you to promise that once I open the door you'll hear me out. You aren't going to take one look at me and freak out. I need you to promise that you'll stay and talk to me, hear what I have to say. Can you promise that, Elliot?"

Now Elliot felt fury threatening to overtake him. Clenching his fists he ordered, "Liv, open the door and let me see you." The only thought that came to mind was that something had happened to her. His first guess was that Mark had hit her, and he swore if that was the case he'd kill the bastard.

"Elliot, promise me."

"Did Mark hit you? I swear to God if he hit you I'll kill him."

On her side of the wooden barrier, Olivia released a sigh and replied, "No, Elliot, it's nothing like that … Mark would never … it's—well it's actually a good thing, it may not be to you right away, but once you calm down and let me explain you should be happy for me … I just need you to promise me that once I open the door you aren't going to explode. I need you to promise me you aren't going to storm off. I need you to promise me you'll stay here and talk to me, that you'll hear me out."

Now Elliot was really curios, and perhaps a little anxious. If Olivia wasn't hurt he couldn't think of why she would be so hesitant to open the door. Anticipation killing him, he agreed, "As long as you're not hurt, I'm not going to freak out. Open the door and tell me why you called me over."

"I need you to promise me, Elliot. I need you to promise that you won't go off on me, and that you won't walk away without letting me explain."

"Liv, just open the—"

"_Promise_, Elliot."

"Fine, I promise."

Olivia took a deep breath, undid the chain, turned the lock, and pulled the door open. Dark eyes met blue as she offered him a tentative smile. "Hey, El."

Elliot was about to reply when his gaze was drawn down to Olivia's swollen stomach. His eyes widened as his mouth fell open in shock. He literally felt his heart skip a beat as his mind and body went numb. '_She's … she's pregnant! How the hell can she be this pregnant and me not know? Why didn't she tell me!_'

Seeing the shock and quickly rising anger on Elliot's face, Olivia whispered, "Please let me explain, El, _please_."

Looking up to meet Liv's worried gaze with his own furious one, Elliot hissed, "What the fuck, Liv!"

Stepping back and motioning Elliot inside Olivia said, "Please come in. I need to talk to you."

El hovered in the doorway for a moment before striding into the apartment. The only reason he hadn't punched a hole in the wall and stormed off was because he'd sworn to stay. Liv had been smart to weasel that promise out of him before opening the door, because he was honestly so furious he didn't think it was smart they talked. He wanted to get the hell to a gym or locker room and beat something until his knuckles were raw and bloody. He needed to pound something in an effort to relieve the sudden and vicious pressure in his head and chest at seeing Olivia, _his Liv_, his partner, his everything, pregnant … with a baby that wasn't his.

He was too angry to notice how only the bare furniture remained. He was too upset to notice that there was a slight layer of dust about the room, and that all the knickknacks and pictures that had littered Liv's home before were gone. When he heard the door shut behind him he whirled to face Olivia and demanded, "How the hell could you not tell me about this?! How the hell did you manage to hide it for this long?!"

"Can we sit down? Standing for long periods hurts my back."

Elliot's gaze flicked to Olivia's stomach again and his heart lurched at her words. He couldn't believe this was happening. He couldn't believe he was standing here in Liv's apartment seeing her heavy with child. The whole thing was surreal. He backed up to sit down on the couch and watched Liv slowly lower herself into the chair opposite him. He looked on as his partner settled her hands on her swollen stomach and pressed, "Explain. _Now_."

Rubbing her belly, Olivia began, "First of all, I'm not as far along as you probably think. I'm only just reached the six month mark. Well I'll hit six months on Tuesday."

Looking pointedly at her stomach, Elliot countered, "You sure as hell don't look six months. You look eight, at least."

"I'm having twins. This last month I've really started showing."

_Silence_.

Elliot's voice was strained as he repeated, "_Twins?_"

"Yes."

_More silence._

They sat together. Elliot was too shocked and furious to speak, and Olivia was afraid to say anything until he gave her some sign it was ok to continue. The moments ticked by before Elliot finally asked, "They're Mark's?"

"Yeah."

"You marrying him?"

"We haven't decided that. We just want to get used to being parents first. We decided we'd bring the topic up again when the twins have their first birthday. We'll see how things are going then."

Looking into Olivia's eyes, his own filled with anger, betrayal, and hurt, Elliot pressed, "This is why you've been on desk duty, isn't it?"

Nodding her head, Olivia replied, "Yes. I told Cragen that day in his office."

"And why the hell didn't you tell me, Liv?! I had a right to know!"

Her own anger beginning to rise, Olivia countered, "First, I didn't want anyone to know in case I miscarried. Due to my age and the fact this is my first pregnancy the risks were high. I wanted to make it through my second trimester before telling anyone in case something went wrong. I didn't want anyone looking at me with pity if things didn't work out. Secondly, you do have a right to know and that's why I'm telling you now, but just because you're my partner doesn't mean I had to tell you before I was ready to. I told Cragen so soon because he _had_ to know."

"How can you say I didn't have a right to know before now? Damnit, Liv! You had no right to keep this from me! This is just like Kurt Moss, only worse! How the hell could you not tell me you were pregnant with another man's child!"

"How dare you, Elliot! Do you hear yourself? Another man's child? You have no right to say that to me! You made your choices, Elliot, and now I've made mine! You chose to go back to Kathy, and I chose to be with Mark!"

**Dead silence.**

Both of their eyes were filled with hurt, pain, betrayal, and a number of other emotions. Both held fire in their gaze, and neither was willing to back down. For his part Elliot was fighting for control. He had imagined Olivia pregnant a number of times, but it was never like this. His heart never felt like it was shattering in his chest as his world spun out of control around him. In all his daydreams about Olivia being pregnant, she had never been carrying another man's child. It had always been his baby inside her, and watching that dream die before him now was killing him.

Clenching his fists as he struggled for control, Elliot bit out, "How could you hide this from me? How could you do this to me?"

"Elliot, I explained why I kept the pregnancy a secret for so long, as for doing something to you? Elliot, this pregnancy isn't about you. It's about _me_. I want children. You know that. I'm finally having them. You're supposed to be happy for me."

"Happy for you!"

"Yes! Happy for me! You know how much I wanted children, and now I'm finally having them! Instead of congratulating me, instead of offering some friendship or support, you're attacking me! Why can't you be happy for me?"

Face red with anger and betrayal, Elliot hissed, "You know damn good and well why I'm mad! You know you were wrong to keep this from me! That's why you didn't want to open the door!"

"I didn't want to open the door because I knew you'd overreact!"

"This isn't overreacting, Liv! This is me being pissed that my partner lied to me for months!"

Shaking her head, Olivia argued, "That's not what you're mad about and you know it!"

His anger rising, Elliot snarled, "Then tell me, Olivia, tell me why I'm mad? You're the expert on being right all the time, so of course you know my own mind better than me! So tell me why I should be mad when I just found out my partner and best friend has been lying to me for months!"

"You're mad because they're not yours!"

"Damn right I am!"

A stunned silence followed both their outbursts. They were sitting across from each other, each one's gaze hard and unyielding, as the truth lay bare between them. Both of their chests heaved with barely suppressed emotion. For the first time the reality of what was between them had been vocalized, and both were unsure how to proceed. The oppressive quiet continued for a moment before Liv took a deep breath and whispered, "What was I supposed to do, El?"

He knew what she was asking. Despite the strife between them, despite the distance they seemed to find themselves at, he could still understand how her mind worked the same way she could his. It's one of the reasons they were so effective as partners. No matter what was wrong between them, when it came down to it they understood one another. He knew she'd taken up with Mark like she had because she thought the chance of them being anything more than partners was dead and buried. She believed that because he'd made her believe it. His reluctance to keep Olivia part of his personal life had resulted in her not knowing how close to the end he was with Kathy, and because of that she had moved on. '_She wanted kids. I knew that. I went back to Kathy and she found a way to have a family on her own. I just … I never thought … God I've fucked it all up!_'

Olivia knew the second Elliot's anger left him and was replaced with despair. She saw it in the way his shoulder's sagged and his eyes filled with longing for the increasingly impossible. She didn't doubt for a second that his anger would return, that it would be just beneath the surface for months to come, but now, right here, he was on the same page as her. Finally, after months of distance, they were in sync again. They were both beyond their anger at this moment and had only the pain of their unrealized love.

Setting her hand on her stomach, Liv continued softly, "I didn't do this to hurt you, Elliot. You know that. I … I haven't been doing good for a long time. I've said I was fine, but we both knew it was crap. All I've had for so long were the victims, and the wins seem to be fewer and fewer for our side. I was drowning. I did this for _me_, El. I did this so I'd have something beyond the job. I needed something good to come home to. I did this so I wouldn't be alone anymore."

"You have me, Liv. Am I not enough for you that you had to get knocked up by a man you don't love?"

Liv forced herself not to rise to his bait and simply replied, "I don't have you, El, Kathy does."

_Kathy_.

It always seemed to come down to Kathy. Kathy and the responsibility he felt towards her. Elliot ran a hand over his face, feeling his age and exhaustion keenly. "Liv, I …." He buried his head into his hands and muttered, "I don't know what to do. Seeing you … and knowing … I wish … fuck! How did things get like this?!"

Olivia struggled to her feet and moved to sit next to him on the couch. She wanted to reach out to him, to touch him in some small way to show that she was still here, that she hadn't actually left him, but she couldn't. She knew he felt like he was losing her because she'd felt the same way when he'd told her that Kathy was pregnant over three years ago. She knew he was feeling utter despair and hopelessness threatening to consume him, she'd experienced the same emotions when he'd told her he was going home. She knew how badly his heart was hurting, and she needed to make him see that it would get better. She and Elliot would never have what they both truly wanted, but they could still have each other. It would have to be enough. "El, look at me."

He raised broken eyes to look into the fathomless pits of her dark gaze. His heart beat painfully in his chest. Counting out each second of his life. Each and every long second of his existence where Olivia was not his. Not his to have, to hold, or to love. He never thought he'd despise the sound of his own heart beating, but he did. "Liv, I …."

She heard his voice crack. She saw the sheen of tears in his eyes, and her own heart hurt for him. She had known her actions would hurt him, but she'd had no choice. If she wanted to have any happiness in her life she couldn't stand around waiting for a dream that would never happen. Elliot had hurt her by going back to Kathy, and as childish as it sounded, she'd earned the right to cause him pain in order to find some happiness for herself, but that didn't mean she didn't desperately want to soothe his pain now. "El, I'm still here. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. We're still Benson and Stabler, and we're going to be Benson and Stabler until we retire together. Then we'll be Benson and Stabler, best friends until the end. We're still a team."

Elliot listened to her words as the heat of her body seeped into his skin from her close proximity. They were so rarely this close, and the few times they were usually happened because of life threatening situations. He found it morbidly humorous that he practically lived side by side with the woman he loved, and yet he could count on both hands the number of times he'd actually touched her. It was pathetic in his opinion. Pathetic and unfair.

Deciding he had nothing to lose he reached out and took hold of Olivia's hand. "It won't be the same, Liv. You know that. You're leaving me."

Olivia had forced herself not to jump when he reached out to her. The warmth of his calloused hand enfolding her own had her stomach flopping. "You left me first, El."

Neither one looked at the other. They were both facing the bare wall in front of them, sitting side by side on the couch and holding hands, but neither one could will themselves to look into the other's eyes. "Is that what this is," Elliot asked. "Are you doing this to get back at me for going home?"

She was too tired to fight. Too tired and too hurt by everything that had happened between them over the past few years of their partnership to get angry with the accusation of his words. "No, El, that's not why I did this, and you know it. I know you're hurt, and I know you're angry, but right now I want you to talk to me about this. I don't want to fight. I did this because I was tired of being alone. I was tired of having no one and nothing besides my job. I was tired of coming home to an apartment that felt like a prison, and the only company I had was my own mind. I … I couldn't do it anymore. I'm doing this so I can be happy."

"Are you in love with him?"

"I love him in my own way."

"Is that fair to him? Is it fair to be in a relationship with him if you don't love him like you should?"

"Is it fair to Kathy?"

Elliot flinched and whispered, "It's different, Liv. She and I … we're … it's just different."

Olivia shrugged and replied, "Not so different. Mark knows I'm not in love with him. Just like he's not in love with me the way he should be. We'll never love each other like a man and wife should, but we do love each other. What we have isn't perfect, but it's better than the nothing we both had before."

"What if he meets someone else?"

Olivia let out a small, sad laugh and said, "He already did. He was married before we got together. Her name was Cindy and she was the love of his life, but she died. I'm not worried about that."

"Liv, I just … I never … I don't—"

"I love you, Elliot."

She couldn't believe she'd actually said it! She expected the world to come to a staggering halt. She expected to see pigs flying and comets tearing through the sky, and turned to look out the window for a brief second to see if the world really had gone to hell the second she admitted she loved Elliot Stabler. '_Huh … all these years of worrying, and not even a damn car alarm goes off when I finally say it?_' Shaking her head at her own foolish thoughts, Olivia focused back on Elliot who had whipped his head around to look at her so fast she was sure he'd have whip lash. His eyes widened in shock and fear, and suddenly she felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. Seeing his stunned expression she was suddenly done with sidestepping, done with silence, done with denying. She was tired of keeping everything in for fear of letting it out and being hurt. They were both past the point of no return, and it was time for real, honest, _spoken_ truth between them.

Lacing her fingers with his she continued, "I love you, Elliot Stabler, and I know you love me. Everyone knows we're in love, and everyone is always going to know that. It's in our eyes when we look at each other. It's in the way our bodies move when we're together. It's in the way we can get so far from each other, and yet still be so close. It's in how we leave one another, and then find our way back. We're soul mates, Elliot."

He couldn't believe she was saying this. Her words were true, of course, but they had never spoken them allowed. As if by some deep rooted understanding they had both never once brought to light the nature of their connection, and hearing his partner lay it all out there now was rocking his world. He honestly didn't know what to say or do. As if the situation between them hadn't been complicated and emotional enough, he felt like Olivia had just dropped another bomb on him. His heart was racing and he knew whatever happened next would irrevocably change them both. "Liv, I …."

She shrugged when his words trailed off. "I'm tired of playing this game between us, El. You know what is between us, and so do I. Hell, everyone knows. Why do we keep denying it? What's the point?"

"I'm married," Elliot offered weakly.

Another shrug. "And I'm pregnant with Mark's kids. Neither of those facts change what is between us." Looking deep into his blue eyes with her own dark pools, Liv continued, "I love you with all my heart. When I'm not with you I don't feel complete. It's like there's not enough air. I'm jittery because you're my other half and I can't be me, truly be me, without you close. When I'm not with you I can't think straight, and I'm always wondering where you are, what you're doing, who you're with, and if you're safe. I hate you going out into the field with Munch, Fin or Wallace. I hate not having your back. I get excited about seeing you every day, being near you."

His response was breathless, his heart racing at the declarations coming from her lips. "Liv …."

"Tell me it's not the same with you."

He squeezed her hand and whispered, "I'd be lying if I did."

"Then say it. Say it, El. Let me hear the words."

"I love you." The words rushed out of his mouth. He hurried to get them out for fear if he didn't the moment they were sharing, the moment when all the unspoken emotions and truths between them seemed to be ok to finally bring to light, would pass him. He couldn't let that happen, and as soon as the words left his lips he felt the same unburdening that Olivia had. He felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. Literally. He felt like a free, _new_ man, and it was wonderful! A smile gracing his features, he repeated more firmly, "I'm in love with you, Olivia Benson."

She returned his smile with one of her own. "I love you too, El."

"So what now?"

Taking a deep breath, keeping her voice as strong as possible, Liv replied, "Now we learn to live with it. For years we've been living around the elephant in the room. Now we live through it. We've both finally admitted that we love each other, and now we find a way to move past it together."

The elation and freedom he'd experienced for all of ten seconds disappeared and a cold, hard knot formed in his stomach in its place. Elliot's body tensed as he asked, "You … you want to just get over it and move on?"

Stroking his skin with her thumb where their hands were linked, Olivia said, "No, El. That's not what I'm saying. You and I will never get over what is between us, because the love we have for each other is eternal. It survived Gitano, computer crimes, Oregon, Beck, Kathy getting pregnant, Lauren Cooper, Sealview, and so much more. Our love has survived all the hurt we've caused each other, all the harsh words, and stony silences. What is between us is forever. You and I both know that. What I'm saying is that we have to find a way to be ok in spite of it."

Enveloping his hand with both of hers, she continued, "For so many years we've kept silent. Never saying the things we should have said. We've brooded, and argued, and lashed out at each other. We've hurt each other in an effort to deny what is between us. We've pushed each other away so many times, but in the end none of it mattered. We always found our way back to one another. That's what we do."

"I don't understand what you're trying to say."

"I'm saying I'm tired of that. I'm tired of hurting each other. I'm tired of running from the truth. I'm tired of pretending, evading, and denying. There has been this constant battle and tension between us for years. After Gitano things shifted between us."

Nodding his head, Elliot answered, "Yeah, they did."

"We both denied what that was, but Gitano was the first time either of us had to face the fact that we were far more than partners. Deep down we'd always known, but Gitano made us face that truth for the first time. You responded by pushing me away, and I responded by running. Ever since then we've been dancing around what is really between us. That dance has caused us both a lot of misery that we inflict on each other. You lashed out at me because you didn't have me, and was afraid I didn't love you like you loved me. I lashed out at you because I did and do love you in the same way, and now I can't have you. We both want what we can't have, we both love each other but can't be together, we both hurt over that fact, and take it out on one another. What I'm saying now is it's time to stop doing that."

"Just stop?"

"Yes. It's time for us to move on." Moving to cup his cheek, Liv whispered, "I love you, you love me, and we'll always be in love … but we'll never be together beyond partners and friends."

A strangled, wounded noise escaped him, and Elliot felt all the air rush from his lungs. He watched tears fill Olivia's eyes as his own misted over. His voice was harsh, filled with agony, as he rasped out, "_Liv_ …."

As silent tears slipped down her cheeks, Olivia forced herself to continue. "We'll never have a home together, El. We'll never have children together. We'll never have Christmas mornings together. We'll never wake in bed and reach for each other in the night. We'll never have tender kisses, soft touches, or any of the intimacy we both long for. That's not our future."

A sob escaped him and he began to cry as freely as Liv was. "Oh God … stop, Liv. _Please, please stop_."

"No. We have to do this. If we're going to survive this, if we're going to make it through this, we have to do this now." Olivia refused to back down. She knew they had to get it all out in the open. Every thought, every fear, every desire had to be voiced now. This moment was all they had. Her tears flowed as freely as his, and together they cried for the future they wouldn't have as she pressed on. "We have to make things right between us now or they'll never be ok. I can't lose you, El. I just can't. I may not be able to have you in the way I want, but I'll be damned if I lose you completely. So we're going to do this."

There was silence for a moment before Elliot took a deep, steadying breath, and then nodded his head for her to continue despite his still falling tears. Stroking her thumb over his cheek where she cupped his face, Olivia thought how sad it was that this was the closest she'd ever be to him. This was the only time they'd ever speak aloud the feelings and bonds they shared. It broke her heart. "What we both want from each other, what we crave, is never going to happen. I know that truth kills you as much as it does me, but it's the truth nonetheless. We're partners and best friends … and it's going to have to be enough."

Covering her hand on his cheek with his own, he begged, "What if it's not enough? What if I can't … Oh God, Liv, I don't know if I can do this! I don't know if I can be ok seeing you every day and knowing you're going home to a man that's not me. It's been killing me since Mark got here, and I don't know if I can keep doing it."

"You can and you will. I've been doing it for years. I know it hurts right now, El. I know it feels like your heart is shattering in your chest, but it won't always be like that. It takes time, but it does get easier."

"Liv, I—"

"It's the only way, El." Her voice broke and she took a moment to compose herself. Drawing her hand from his cheek she wiped furiously at the tears flowing down her cheeks. When she was ready she continued, "If we can't make this work, if we can't find a way to be ok, then we're going to lose each other. I wish I could have more of you, Elliot, but I can't. All I can have with you is friendship and our partnership. So I'm going to fight for those. I need you to fight for it too. We both know how we feel, we've admitted it, so now it's time to learn to live with it."

"I don't love Kathy, Liv. I don't want to be married to her."

"I know."

Elliot was stunned. "You know?"

"Of course I do," Liv offered with a small smile. "I know you better than you know yourself, just as you know me better than I know myself. We can lie to ourselves all we want, but in the end both of us can see through the other's bullshit. I knew that day at the courthouse when you told me Kathy was pregnant and you were going home that you didn't love her and didn't want to go home. I knew then it was your sense of duty and Catholic guilt that had you going back."

"Why the hell didn't you say something?! Why didn't you tell me it was a mistake?!"

"Would you have listened?" Retaking his hand so she could trace patterns on it with her fingers, Liv continued, "No, you wouldn't have. You would have lashed out at me even more than you did. You might have even left. You weren't ready to face the truth on your own, and hearing it from me wouldn't have helped the situation. I knew then you weren't in love with Kathy and that you didn't really want to go home, but you _did_ go home. You made the choice and decision to make things work with your wife of over twenty years, and for better or worse, it is the decision you have to live with. Just like I have to live with my decision to move on with Mark."

"Liv, I don't want to live with these decisions. I want to make new ones."

"You won't." Shaking her head sadly, Olivia argued, "You'll never walk out on Kathy, Elliot. You might want to, you might even think about it, but you'll never actually be the one to step away from her. You don't have it in you. Duty, honor, responsibility, and worse, your Catholic faith, won't allow you to. Unless she calls it quits you'll be with her until the day you die, and she's not going to call it quits again."

"She might. Things aren't great with us, Olivia. Not by a long shot. Kathy and I are closer to divorce than you think. All we do is fight. The past year has been horrible, and the ones before that weren't great. You're talking like there is no hope for us, and that's not true. Kathy and I are all but over." Looking down at Liv's stomach, Elliot swallowed thickly, set his hand atop her swollen belly, and whispered, "They're not mine, but they are yours, and anything that is yours I want too. There's still hope for us."

Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. Olivia knew why Kathy was holding so tight to Elliot. She knew the other woman feared being alone in her mid 40's, and she knew it was that very fear that would prevent Kathy from walking away from Elliot a second time. Kathy might not be happy with her husband, but she was afraid to be without him. Liv understood the sentiment completely. She took his hand from her stomach and held it in hers. "No, El, there's not."

"Liv, there's always hope. Kathy will probably—"

"I moved in with Mark last month. We bought a house in Greenwich Village. I'm putting the apartment up for rent on Monday."

Another stabbing pain in his chest. Looking around Elliot finally noticed how bare the apartment was. He took in the dust, the lack of knickknacks, and he realized Olivia hadn't lived her for a long time. He knew that above all Olivia valued her space. She valued privacy. She'd been alone for so long, had only herself to depend on, that he knew the significance her not only living with Mark, but moving into a new home with him meant. The fact she had changed her life to fit into one with Mark was so significant it had him trembling slightly. It was another nail in their coffin. "You moved in with him. He's not living here with you."

"I moved in with him."

"_Christ_."

As Elliot's head dropped and he leaned forward to take great gasping breaths, Olivia moved to rub his back with her free hand since she was still holding his. "It's going to be ok, El. I promise. It's all going to be ok."

He focused on the sound of her voice. He ignored her words, and instead focused solely on the seductive, husky sound of the voice that had haunted him for over a decade. The voice he heard gasping and pleading for his touch in his dreams. The voice he longed to hear sigh his name in pleasure, but probably never would. '_She moved in with him. Fuck! She moved in with him! She didn't just let him stay with her, she actually picked up and moved to be with him. She … she really is moving on. Oh God it hurts. It hurts so much._'

"It gets better, El. Easier. I promise. You just need some time. It was like this for me at first too, but it gets better. With time the pain isn't as sharp."

Looking up to meet her eyes, he asked, "But it never goes away, does it?"

Shaking her head sadly, Olivia affirmed, "No. It never really goes away. It just becomes bearable."

He stared into her eyes for long moments. He saw her love for him in her gaze. He saw her pain and sadness that they would never be together as they both longed to be. He saw her worry for him, her hope that they would be ok in spite of all of this. He saw so much in her eyes, and it hurt him. It hurt him to know that this woman would never be his. It hurt him to know that they'd finally admitted the forbidden, finally spoken the truth of their love, and yet could do nothing about it. Olivia was right, he'd never walk away from Kathy and his responsibility to her and his family. He couldn't do it. He was too much of a coward. His and Liv's chance at being together died the night he'd been a fool and taken comfort in the familiar instead of working up the courage to go to the woman he'd truly wanted. "This isn't going to be easy," he finally said.

"No, it's not, but it can be done. We can get past this. We just have to try, and when the rough patches happen we have to remember this moment. We have to remember that something is better than nothing. We can't have each other in all ways, but we can have each other in the ways that matter. We have love. We have trust. We have friendship. We have history. We have our partnership. We have our fight to make the world a better place. We have more bonds than most people, and that will have to be enough."

He reached out and stroked the back of his knuckles along her cheek. "I'll always want more from you, Liv. I want all you are, and all you have to give. That will never change."

"I want the same from you, but neither of us will get what we want in regard to that. Our hearts belong to each other. My heart beats for you, and your heart beats for me. Our bodies? Those belong to other people. Your body belongs to Kathy, and it is hers to touch. Not mine. Just as my body is Mark's."

He hated those words. He hated having to face the fact that while he and Liv loved each other unconditionally, they would never get to consummate that love. The thought of Mark's hands on Olivia, of anyone's hands on her, Oh God it hurt! Taking a deep breath, he asked, "Does he know?"

"He knows we love each other, and he knows nothing will ever come of it. Mark and I have talked about this many times, and he knows how close you and I are. He's not upset about it, and he's not going to try and come between our friendship, partnership, or connection. I promise." She let him have a moment so that could sink in before whispering, "This is our life, El, and we have to find a way to make it work."

"What if I can't?"

"You will. I'll help you, and you'll help me. We're in this together."

They both lapsed into silence. There was an eerie calm. The tense atmosphere at the beginning of their conversation had fallen away and been replaced with desolation. Sadness and hopelessness filled them both, rolled around inside them, before an aching acceptance was finally reached. Neither spoke a word. Neither moved or shifted. They simply sat together in silence and came to accept the tragic position they found themselves in. They were soul mates, so deeply and madly in love they couldn't live without the other in their life … and yet they would never be together. There, in the cold, nearly empty apartment that Olivia Benson no longer called home, they sat side by side and accepted that all they could ever be was partners and friends.

Elliot was the first to speak after over a half hour of silence. "What are you having?"

"We want to be surprised. We just know that they are both healthy and growing normally."

"That's good."

Another silence.

"I'm having a baby shower next month. I … I want you to be there. Mark and I mailed the invitations yesterday so you'll be getting something in the mail soon."

Elliot closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn't say no. Not only had Liv asked him, but he owed her. She'd come to Eli's, and she'd certainly done her fair share in making sure Eli's life was as good as possible. She was Eli's godmother, and had been to all of his birthday parties. He knew it killed her to see the child she had hoped to be hers, to see him with the woman he'd chosen to return to, but she'd always come. Always supported him. He had to do the same for her. "I'll be there."

Offering a small smile, Liv said, "Thanks. It really means a lot to me for you to be there."

"That's why I'm going."

They lapsed into silence again and Elliot reached out to retake Olivia's hand in his own. They were still sitting side by side on the couch simply staring at the wall. The air around them was still and heavy, trapping them in the moment that had forever changed them both, and neither was sure how to proceed. Elliot wanted the world to go away. He wanted to stay here in this apartment with Olivia forever. He wanted to keep her with him so no one else could ever have her or take her from him in any way. He wanted to take her in his arms and promise her the world, promise her the home and family she'd always wanted, he wanted to have all of her for himself and in return give her all he was. None of that could or would happen. As Olivia had said he'd made his choices and those choices had landed him in a home that felt like a prison, with a wife he didn't love and increasingly resented, and without the woman he truly wanted. So, instead of taking what his heart cried out for he sat beside Olivia on the couch, holding her hand, and hoping that she let him have this small consolation for as long as possible. It was all he'd ever have of her, of _them_.

Beside him, Olivia sat just as quietly. She could see the roller coaster of emotions flickering across her partner's face, and her heart ached for him. She could see how hurt he was, how despair was tugging at him, and she felt responsible. She hadn't wanted to hurt him, but unfortunately the only way she could find any happiness for herself was by doing so. She didn't regret doing what she'd done, but that didn't mean she didn't hurt for Elliot now. So she let him hold her hand while the quiet of the room pressed in on her. She let him take the lead. She'd give him all the time he needed to be able to face the world again. She knew he wasn't ready to stand up and begin trying to live with all the truths they'd finally admitted today. Truthfully, she wasn't sure if she was ready to accept that battle yet either.

Nearly another hour passed before Elliot finally turned to face Olivia. His eyes searched hers desperately for a moment, as though looking for something, before he finally choked out, "Promise me that no matter what you'll always be here. Promise me that you won't leave again. No running off to Oregon, no globetrotting with Mark if he wants to travel. Promise me that you'll always be here. That you'll _always_ be a phone call or trip over the bridge away. Promise me I'll have that from you at least."

Fresh tears filled Olivia's eyes as she whispered, "I promise. Promise me you'll try and see past your anger from time to time and remember to be my friend when I need one."

"I promise." Tightening his hand around hers, Elliot continued, "Promise me you'll forgive me when I'm a jackass and say things I don't mean just because I'm mad."

"I promise. Promise me you won't avoid me, that you won't try and cut me out of your life while we're trying to make this work."

Elliot nodded his head and answered, "I promise … Promise me there will be no more secrets between us. I don't like not knowing things about you."

"I'll promise if you do."

"Fair enough." Elliot looked uncomfortable for a moment and said, "Mark can't come to the precinct anymore."

Olivia looked shocked as she asked, "What? Why?"

Stroking his thumb along Liv's palm where he was holding her hand, Elliot responded, "I go home to Kathy, and you go home to Mark, but when we're at work we belong to each other. At work your time is mine, and vice versa. I don't like seeing him come into our space. I don't like being reminded that you have a life with him. I'm asking you not to have him come to the precinct anymore."

"He's a part of my life, Elliot. You can't just pretend he doesn't exist forever."

"Maybe not forever, but for now at least. I need some time to come to terms with … everything. I need you to give it to me. I have to accept the fact outside of work you're with him, so while we're at work I don't want to be reminded of it."

"Elliot, I—"

"I won't let Kathy come either." Holding Liv's gaze, Elliot continued, "At work we belong to each other. Not them. Please, Liv, please let me have this."

Olivia thought about it for a few minutes before finally nodding her head and agreeing. "Ok. I'll talk to Mark and he'll stop coming by. At work it will only be us."

"Good." Elliot looked down at Liv's stomach and asked, "When are you going to go on maternity leave?"

Rubbing her stomach with the free hand Elliot wasn't holding, Liv answered, "The department gives five months maternity leave. I'm hoping to work desk duty right up until my due date and then spend the first five months home with the baby before coming back to work."

"Are you sure working that long is a good idea?"

"The doctor said as long as all my blood work and test come back fine, that as long as my body and the babies aren't showing signs of stress I can work right up until I'm ready to deliver. I go in every week for tests and so far things look great. So that's the plan for now."

"What happens after you come back to work? Who will take care of them?"

"Well first, I'm going to cut back on the hours I work like I have been doing. I plan to be home a lot more. Second, Mark has quite a bit of money saved up from his time as a photojournalist, so with the part time job at Hudson he will be able to be a stay at home dad. He only has to go into work on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the rest of the time he'll be home. We're going to get a part time nanny to help on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and the rest of the time Mark and I will work together."

Hesitating for a moment, Elliot asked, "What if things don't work out between you two? Have you thought about that?"

"We already have a custody agreement in place. It's very clear, and iron clad. I'm not worried about that."

Elliot grinned. "You always were ahead of the game."

Olivia returned his smile and replied, "I play to win, El, you know that."

"Yeah, I know." Elliot let out a small humorless laugh, and added, "I just wish I could win sometime."

"El, you have won. You have to stop focusing on only the losses. Trust me, I've done that and it is no way to live. I'm sorry things are like this too, and I wish they could be different, but they aren't. I'm learning to look at the things I do have, instead of the things I don't. You need to do the same. You have a wife, children, and a home to go to every night. You have more than most people."

"I don't have you."

Letting out a sigh, Olivia argued, "You do have me, just like I have you. We just don't have each other in the way we want, but we have to get over that. We have our friendship and our partnership. It has to be enough."

Elliot let out a weary sigh. He squeezed Olivia's hand one last time before letting go and getting up. He held out his hand for his partner and helped her to her feet. When she was standing up in front of him he leaned forward so his forehead was resting against hers, his lips brushing against her own as he spoke, "It will never be enough, Liv, _never_, but it's better than nothing."

Olivia's heart was racing in her chest at Elliot's close proximity. The feel of his body so close to hers was nearly overwhelming, and she fought down her need to reach out to him. "Yeah," she whispered breathlessly. "Something is better than nothing."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

On Monday Olivia walked into the squad room for the first time without trying to hide her pregnancy, not that she could if she wanted to, and as expected she drew quite a few stares. Mark had dropped her off at the front of the precinct, and by the time she made it to her own squad room she was over a half hour late because she had been stopped in the halls so many times by people asking about her pregnancy. That had not helped matters since she was already nervous this morning, as it would be the first time she and Elliot would be working together since he found out she was pregnant. She knew today was going to be filled with uncomfortable silences, and that it was going to be agonizing. She and Elliot had bared far too much of their souls to one another, bared themselves and come to the understanding that they would never go farther, for there not to be pain today.

As the doors to the bullpen closed behind her she took in the sight of her co-workers. Munch was at the coffee pot, thank God she was off caffeine because of her pregnancy!, while Fin and Wallace were at the board going over some evidence. Elliot was bent over his desk working on a case file, and she could see Cragen on the phone in his office through the open blinds. Taking a deep breath she said, "Morning guys."

All eyes immediately turned to her. There was a moment of silence as Munch, Fin, and Wallace (who had caught onto the fact there was more between Olivia and Elliot quickly when he joined SVU) snuck glances at Stabler to see his reaction. No one wanted to say anything until they knew if they should build a wall of protection around Olivia to shield her from Elliot's fury, or to see if her partner was going to put her feelings first for once, man up, and make the situation comfortable for them all.

Elliot had looked up from his desk the moment he'd heard Olivia's voice. Taking in the sight of her his heart beat painfully in his chest as he thought about how beautiful she was. Her coat was slung over her arm, she'd apparently taken it off at some point, and her body was clothed in a dark purple cashmere sweater that hugged her form perfectly, and soft black pants. Her hair hung loose about her shoulders in silky waves, fluttering about her face as she walked. She was stunning, and glowed with pregnancy. God how he wanted her! Needed her!

Swallowing the bile that rose in his throat, and sticking to his promise to make the best of this situation, he forced a smile to his face and greeted, "Hey, Liv. Running a little late this morning?"

Smiling gratefully, pleased that Elliot was going to stick to his promise for them to try and move past their love that would never be realized, Olivia replied, "I wasn't. I actually got here ten minutes early, but I took my coat off when I got inside the building this morning and practically everyone I passed coming up stopped me. So _now_ I'm running late."

"Well I guess since it's the first time it's happened in a few years Cragen won't nail you for it," Elliot joked.

Her smile widening, Olivia laughed, "Here's hoping. I have another doctor's appointment this week and I'll need the morning off for it, so I don't want to piss him off."

Elliot winced at those words, and forced out, "I'm sure he won't give you any lip." He was struggling already. His hand was clenching his pen so tight he was afraid it was going to break, and his body was trembling slightly. '_I can't do this. I can't do this. I have to do this, but fuck it all, I can't do this!_'

There was a noticeable tension in the room, but apparently, by some unspoken agreement, everyone decided to ignore it. Munch, deciding to help Olivia and Elliot pretend the situation wasn't extremely uncomfortable for all of them, stepped towards Liv and joked, "So, Detective Benson, now that the secret's out, are you going to share some of the names you and Mark are batting around for the two little buns you got in the oven? If you are still undecided I would like to recommend John. It's a fine name."

Heading for her desk, Olivia set her bag down and draped her coat across her chair as she replied, "I'm not naming either of my babies after you, John. The last thing I need is another conspiracy nut in my life." Fin and Wallace laughed at that, Elliot still looked a little green but managed to smile … that is until Olivia added, "Mark and I have decided not to look at any names until they're born. We figure we'll know their names the first time we meet them in the delivery room."

He wasn't smiling then. Hearing Olivia mention Mark along with the babies inside her that were not his, did nothing to help his breaking heart. It was like he was standing outside of himself as he watched his co-workers interact. He could hear their voices, but couldn't understand anything any of them were saying. All he could see or understand was that Olivia, his partner, and love of his life, was standing before him pregnant with another man's child. A man that occupied the place he so desperately wanted to hold in Liv's life. A place that would never be his.

Elliot was glad he'd not eaten anything this morning before coming in to work. If he had he would be throwing it all up right now. His stomach was in knots and his heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest. He felt a cold sweat break out on his brow and he knew, _knew_ that if he didn't get the hell out of there he was going to lose it. As Liv, Munch, Fin and Wallace continued to joke around, in some attempt to lighten the atmosphere, he suddenly stood and strode out of the bullpen. He had to get away.

Elliot's sudden departure startled everyone. Of course they all had noticed how Elliot had seemed to be struggling, but none of them had drawn attention to it. They had purposely filled the silence and continued talking in an effort to give him some time to collect himself, but it hadn't worked. When he was gone Olivia looked after him worriedly, and started to follow him when Cragen's voice stopped her.

"Olivia, I need you to go over those witness statements for me. Alex is due in court tomorrow for arraignment, and she needs them by this afternoon," Cragen announced from his office doorway. He'd seen Elliot storm off and knew the other man wasn't ready to be confronted again by all he'd thrown away, so he stopped Olivia from going to him.

"Cap," Liv began.

"Now detective." Looking to his other detectives he added, "The rest of you get back to work."

When everyone began to busy themselves in subdued silence, Cragen followed after Elliot. Knowing where the other man had went he made sure to grab his coat on the way out and headed up to the roof. He found the other man leaning against the ledge taking deep, gasping breaths. He gave Elliot a moment to compose himself before Don said, "She deserves to be happy, Elliot."

Elliot had heard someone come onto the roof behind him, but hadn't known who it was. When he heard his captain's voice, and more importantly his words, Elliot found he was glad it wasn't one of his other co-workers, or God forbid Liv, who was seeing him like this. He took a moment to digest Cragen's words before staring out at the city as he replied, "I know. I know she deserves this. I know she deserves to be happy, but …."

As his words trailed off Cragen moved to stand next to him and finished, "But you wanted it to be with you."

Letting out a rush of air, Elliot groaned, "_Cap_." His words trailed off as he took a gasping breath, desperately trying to stop the relentless pain that beat in his chest.

Both men stood shoulder to shoulder as they looked on at the city they worked so hard to make a better place. They were silent a moment as Elliot tried to compose himself before Don stated, "You messed up, Elliot. You messed up when you went home, and I'm sorry the chance to fix it has passed you by. I'm sorry for you, and I'm sorry for Olivia. What you two have is special. The bond you two share is rare, and it is a shame you two are in this position, but the fact remains you are. You went home, and Olivia is finally moving on. She's finally grabbing some happiness for herself. You have to accept it. You have to accept it for her sake if not your own."

Elliot had never been a man to discuss his emotions like this, but in this moment he was too far gone to care about his pride. His world was crumbling down around him and he had nothing to hold onto anymore. "I … I don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can watch her … I don't … FUCK!"

Don laid a hand on Elliot's shoulder and soothed, "I can't imagine how you feel, Elliot. I can't imagine what it's like for you or Olivia to be in this situation. All I know is that she deserves this. She _needs_ this, Elliot. You know that."

Tears filling his eyes, Elliot whispered, "I know. I know she deserves this, and I know how much she needs it … I just … I just don't know how to be ok with it. I don't know how to let her go. I … I love her, Don. I love her so fucking much!"

"I know." Don left his hand on Elliot's shoulder as he continued, "We all know what is between you two, Elliot. It's the not so secret secret of the SVU. You love her and she loves you. For years Olivia has helped you, stood by you, done everything she could to help you through your hard times. When you got separated and kept it a secret from us all she bore the brunt of your anger. Every time you've stepped over the line she's been there to cover your ass. She's stood back in the shadows, her own heart breaking as you walked away from her to go home to a wife you don't love anymore. She sacrificed herself for you more than once, Elliot. It's time for you to do the same."

Both men continued to stare out at the city as Don spoke softly to the man he considered a son. "She was there for you, Elliot. She saved your wife and son's lives. Think how hard it must have been for her. Think of how much she's hurt the last five or more years because of you."

"So you're saying I deserve this? I fucked up and now I have to pay my pound of flesh?"

"No. I'm saying you owe her this. She watched you walk away from her to go home to Kathy. She watched you prepare for the birth of a child you both wanted to be hers. She delivered the child she desperately wanted to be hers. She delivered that child and put your son into the arms of the woman you went home to. The woman and life you chose over her. She did that for _you_, Elliot. She gives everything she can to this job, and the parts of her it hasn't destroyed she's dedicated to you. Because of that there wasn't much left of her. You went home to Kathy and started treating Olivia like shit. You were the one person she had truly opened up to and allowed close, and you cut her down. Cut her down and left her alone. I don't know how she did it, but she managed to stick by you through it all. I don't know why you did it, and I don't really care anymore. The point is you owe her more than you can ever repay. If you walk away from her because of this it will destroy something inside her, and you don't have the right to do that. You've been tearing her down for years, and now it's time for you to prove you're worthy of her. Worthy to be her friend, and worthy to be the love of her life. You two might never get to be together, but that doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities to her."

Hearing the cold hard truth of what his relationship with Olivia had degenerated to nearly had Elliot sinking to his knees. Hearing how much he had taken from her without so much as a "thank you" nearly crushed what was left of his spirit. Tears slipped down his cheeks as he groaned, "I know I owe her. I know I have to get through this for her sake. I … _I just don't know how._"

"You stop thinking about yourself, Elliot. You're a good man, but when it comes to Olivia you tend to take and not give back. You've taken her for granted, and haven't appreciated her the way she deserves to be appreciated."

Raising angry eyes to Don's, Elliot growled, "I would die for her!"

"I know. That is a fact that could never be disputed. The question is can you do right by her?" Taking hold of Elliot's other arm, Cragen spun the younger and taller man to face him. His hands gripped Stabler's shoulders as he looked deep into Elliot's blue eyes and pressed on. "Olivia has put her emotional wellbeing on the line for you time and again. The moment you went home to Kathy you started treating her like shit. You took and took and took from her, and not once did she ask for anything in return. She has weathered all the pain and heartbreak your decisions have caused you both. She's suffered enough. It's time for you to shoulder some of the weight. Olivia has been carrying your friendship and partnership long enough. It's time for you to step up."

As silent tears coursed down Elliot's face, Don gentled his voice and soothed, "You chose to go home to Kathy, Elliot. You chose to return to that path in your life. Olivia has chosen to take her own path. You two are one of the best teams in the city and have a higher closing rate than anyone else. You two are better friends than most people could ever hope to be. The chance to be lovers, or man and wife, is gone. Don't be a fool and throw away what you do have. Be strong for her, Elliot, she has been strong enough for you in the past."

When Elliot remained silent, Cragen asked, "Can you do that, Elliot? Can you do for her what she's done for you? If you can't you need to put in for a transfer now and cut all ties with Liv. She can't afford for you to hurt her anymore. If you can't be strong for her then you need to walk away from her now. It will hurt her to lose you. It will hurt her deeply, but if you can't be strong for her the way she's been for you then you need to go. Olivia can't take any more emotional abuse from you. Not now."

Elliot held his captain's gaze for long moments. He could feel his heart breaking in his chest. He could feel the cold, hard, knot in his stomach eating away at his control, but Cragen's words struck him to the core. He knew better than anyone how much Olivia had sacrificed for him over the years. He knew how terribly he had hurt her, and he knew he had to get through this for her sake. Taking a deep, shuddering breath he nodded his head and agreed, "I can do this. I don't know how, but I'll be strong for Liv the way she's been strong for me."

Patting Elliot on the shoulder, Cragen said, "Good. You take as much time up here as you need. Work and everything else will be waiting when you're ready."

After his captain had left, Elliot turned to face the city again and let out a ragged sigh. '_He's right. I owe it to Liv to be strong enough to get through this. I do owe her more than I can ever repay. I did fuck up and ruin any chance of us being together. I went home and she's moved on to Mark. I have to be ok with it. For Liv I have to get past this … I just wish I knew how._'

It was another thirty minutes before Elliot was able to rejoin his coworkers, and when he made his way into the bullpen he found Liv to be the only one there. Munch was apparently with Alex working on his testimony for an upcoming case, while Fin and Wallace were running down a lead. Taking a seat at his desk he saw a cup of coffee waiting for him and raised his eyes to meet Liv's hesitant gaze across from him. Looking at the cup his question was clear.

Olivia ignored the redness of Elliot's eyes as she teased, "Would I subject you to that sludge Munch makes? I made a fresh pot while I was waiting for my tea. It's safe."

Elliot took a small sip and agreed, "Well you must have made it. It didn't kill me." They both shared a small laugh before Elliot sobered up and offered, "I'm trying, Liv. I really am."

"I know, Elliot."

"I'm going to mess up."

"We both are."

Staring straight into Liv's eyes, his own filled with his inner anguish, Elliot promised, "I can't promise I'm not going to fuck up and say something stupid. I can only swear to you that I'm not going anywhere. You've been here for me, and I'm going to start pulling my weight in this friendship and be here for you."

"That's the only promise I need, Elliot. I don't expect you to be perfect through all this. It's enough for me you're willing to stick through it with me."

Wanting to lighten the mood, Elliot joked, "Besides I have to stick with you. Who else would work with me?"

Leaping at the chance to banish the dark cloud over them currently, Olivia laughed, "No one that I know, and if they did I'd suggest a psych eval."

"Hey now, I'm not that bad."

"Keep telling yourself that."

They shared another smile before getting back to work. Things weren't great between them, but they were both still here. That was something at least.

…

…

…

ONE MONTH LATER

Elliot put his jeep in park as he gazed at the posh brownstone Olivia now lived at. Today was Olivia's baby shower and he had never dreaded anything more. Beside him he heard Kathy shift uncomfortably, and for the thousandth time he wished he had gotten to the mail the day the invitation arrived before she had. He had wanted to tell her about Olivia on his own terms, and more importantly, in his own time. That hadn't happened. The invitation had arrived on Wednesday of the week he'd returned to work with Olivia while he was on stakeout with Wallace. As such Kathy had been the one to open the letter that was addressed to the Stablers, and she had learned of the fact Olivia was living with someone and preparing to give birth to twins.

As expected, that had led to a fight between him and Kathy. She'd asked him how long he'd known and when he'd intended to tell her. By the sick expression on his face it hadn't been hard for Kathy to tell how torn up Elliot was about Olivia being pregnant. It was obvious to anyone that Elliot was jealous and unhappy with this turn of events, and that had set Kathy off. Elliot had tried to suggest he go to the baby shower alone, but Kathy had refused. She made it clear that she was going. Even if she had to take her own car and arrived separately from him. He'd finally backed down and agreed they could go together. Neither of them had mentioned the baby shower or Olivia since then, but Kathy had put the invitation up on the fridge as a constant reminder.

Needless to say their house had been in a constant state of tension since then, and Elliot had spent a grand total of eight nights at home in the past month. He still attended every family event and was home for dinner at least four times a week, but he left afterwards to return to work. He also spent as many Saturdays and Sundays with his children as he could, but it was no secret that he and Kathy were not happy. It just seemed no one was willing to admit that fact. Even Kathleen, who had been the biggest supporter of her parents getting back together, could tell that things were coming to a head with her parents. Each of the kids had seen the invitation on the fridge, and they could all guess at the reason for the animosity between their parents, but like their Mom and Dad, none of them wanted to say anything for fear of finally breaking the weakening dam that was holding their parents' marriage together.

So now Elliot and Kathy sat in the jeep in silence. Eli was in the back, thankfully keeping quiet, while Elliot tried to compose himself to go inside. Beside him Kathy turned and looked at her husband. She knew how badly Elliot was taking this, and the fact he was more torn up about Olivia being pregnant than he'd been over their separation ate at her. She knew how desperately in love Elliot was with Olivia, and she knew his partner loved him just as much. She knew the situation they were all in was bad, but in her mind Olivia had moved on, Olivia had accepted the fact Elliot was never going to be hers, and it was time for her husband to do the same. Elliot and Olivia might be in love, but they were both pledged to other people, and it was damn time her husband realized that. Looking back over her shoulder she saw Eli playing with his toy truck and focused back on Elliot as she asked, "Are we just going to sit here? The party started ten minutes ago. She's going to think we're not coming."

"Kathy, just … I just need a minute. And she knows I'm coming. I gave her my word."

"Well at least you keep your word to one of us."

Elliot glanced at his wife and ordered, "Kathy, today is about Olivia. Whatever problems we have are not for here. If you do anything to mess today up for her I'll throw you out myself."

Her fists clenching in her lap, Kathy hissed, "Don't talk to me like that!"

"Swear to me, Kathy. Swear to me you won't do anything to mess today up for Olivia."

"Is she the only thing you care about? What about how I feel about all of this?" Checking on Eli again, to make sure he wasn't paying them any attention, Kathy continued, "How do you think I feel seeing you like this? How do you think I feel watching my husband watch another woman wishing he was with her? This isn't easy for me either, Elliot."

Not being able to deny her words, Elliot stated, "Just remember today is for Olivia. Remember all she's done for our family."

Rage building within her, Kathy scoffed, "Oh yes, I'm well aware of everything Olivia has done for my family. Or should I say _to_ my family?"

Eyes narrowing, Elliot faced Kathy fully. He checked on Eli, saw his youngest son still playing with his truck, and continued, "Kathy, the problems we have aren't because of Olivia. They're because we made stupid decisions as kids, and continued with those decisions as adults. We're both too bogged down in this mess to break free, and I'm coming to accept that. Olivia isn't the reason we are in the position we're in. She's the reason you and Eli are alive. She's the reason Kathleen is getting the help she needs. She's the reason Dickie is back home and not in the army or on the streets. She's the reason I'm still alive. If anything, Olivia is the one that has kept this family together. You remember that when you walk in that house."

Feeling guilt creep up inside her, as she was well aware of how much Olivia had sacrificed for her family, Kathy nodded somberly. As much as she hated to admit it, she did owe Olivia. She might not be happy with the woman, but she would not ruin this day for her. "You're right. She deserves today. I won't drag our personal problems into her home. I promise."

"Good." Elliot took a deep breath and opened his door. "You take Eli and I'll grab the gift."

They made their way up to the house in silence. As Kathy settled three year old Eli on her hip Elliot pressed the doorbell and hoped to God Mark wasn't the one to answer. Apparently God was willing to be lenient with him today. Alex was the one to answer. Her eyes widened at the sight of Kathy and Eli, but she recovered quickly and smiled brightly. "Hey guys, come on in."

As Kathy followed Elliot into the brownstone she put all her effort into not letting her jaw drop and hit the floor. Olivia's home looked like something right out of a Home and Garden special. Brand new wood and stone floors ran throughout the house, and it was obvious the entire home had been recently renovated. The counters were all marble and granite, and the furniture probably cost more than her own home. Jealousy once again rose up within her as she thought, '_Either Olivia was a millionaire and none of us knew, or this Mark fellow is rich_.' As a woman who had spent years clipping coupons, counting every cent, and worrying over college tuitions and car payments, she could admit to herself she did not like the fact her rival was apparently living the high life. In her opinion Olivia was getting too much too soon, and it wasn't fair.

Elliot pushed the stroller he and Kathy had bought Olivia for her shower as they followed along after Alex as she led them through the house. Well the stroller he had purchased and put Kathy's name on along with his. If she knew it cost $700 she would pitch a fit, but since he'd used some of the money he'd been saving for a motorcycle the past ten years he didn't think she needed to know. It was a top of the line Valco Tri-Mode Twin stroller that could go anywhere. You could hear people talking and laughing the further into the house they went and Elliot prepared himself to put on the performance of his lifetime. He hadn't eaten anything today in preparation for the shower, so he wouldn't throw up, and he swore to himself he would make it through today for Olivia's sake.

Olivia looked up towards the entryway as Alex led Elliot, Kathy, and Eli into the family room. The front of the brownstone housed the formal living room and office, while the back had the family room, kitchen and downstairs bath. All the bedrooms were on the top two floors. Two bedrooms shared a bathroom on the second floor, and the entire third floor was the master suite. Smiling brightly, Olivia greeted, "Hey guys!"

Elliot forced a smile on his face and replied, "Hi, Liv."

Kathy put her best smile on and said, "You have a beautiful home, Olivia." Looking at the handsome man to Olivia's right she added, "And you must be Mark."

Mark, every bit as determined to make today wonderful for Olivia as everyone else, answered, "That's me, and thank you for the compliment. Olivia and I have spent months renovating and decorating. She wants it to be ready for the twins. You must be Elliot's wife Kathy."

The room was tense as everyone waited to see how the meeting between the four star crossed lovers went. When Kathy gave off an obviously fake laugh and shifted Eli on her hip, everyone let out a grateful sigh. Apparently they were all going to pretend that the situation between Olivia, Mark, Elliot, and Kathy wasn't horribly complicated. There was no doubt that this was not a normal baby shower. Sadly, due to Olivia's life she hadn't been able to collect the normal group of female friends that most women did during the course of their life, nor did she have an extensive family to attend. Therefore Olivia's baby shower consisted of Cragen, Munch, Fin, Fin's son Ken (who had come to dinner at Mark and Olivia's with his father several times since Thanksgiving), Wallace, Melinda, Alex, Huang, Casey, Star, Sister Anne, several women Olivia worked with in the DA's office and in women's shelters, Simon and his wife with their little girl, Judge Donnelley, five of Mark's friends that had flown in for the shower, and now Elliot and Kathy with their youngest child. It was certainly an odd gathering for a baby shower, but it proved that Olivia was important to those she worked with. Those in attendance were proof that Olivia's life was about making the world a better place.

Olivia could tell Elliot was having a hard time, and wanted to her best to make today as easy on him as possible. She and Mark had both agreed he needed all the breaks he could get. She was slightly surprised that Kathy had come, but she wasn't going to let anything get her down today. Smiling at her partner she said, "We were waiting for you to get here."

"Yeah, man," Fin added. "Couldn't start without Liv's partner." Eyeing the expensive stroller Elliot was pushing, Fin laughed, "Trying to make the rest of us look bad, Stabler? Want all of our gifts to look like crap next to yours?"

As everyone laughed at the joke, Kathy tried not to scowl. She didn't know where Elliot had gotten the money for the top of the line stroller he had bought for _their_ gift, but she had been a mother long enough to know it cost a pretty penny. She'd only seen it this morning when she got into his jeep and saw it in the back as they'd headed into the city for the shower, and when she'd asked him about it, he'd simply told her not to worry about it, that he'd gotten a deal on it. She'd wanted to say more, but hadn't wanted to start a fight with him in front of Eli. In her mind it was not right that he'd spent more money on a stroller for Olivia's babies than he'd spent on their own children, and she intended to have words with him on it later.

Elliot grinned at Fin's joke and replied, "With how often Liv likes to jog I figured that she'd need a good stroller to keep up with her. She might be a new mommy, but I doubt she intends to slow down any. Wanted her to have the best."

Elliot had looked right at Olivia as he said that last part, and she smiled softly at him. She'd understood what he hadn't said. He wanted to be as much a part of these children's lives as he could. The same way she was such a part of Eli's life as his godmother. "Well I think it's beautiful. Did you tie the bow yourself?"

Grinning, Elliot teased, "It's a stick on. Figured the fact I remembered the bow at all is good enough."

Everyone laughed at that, and Mark stood as he said, "Well have a seat and I'll get you guys some drinks. Alex and Casey are still arguing over who gets to be the godmother and record all the names and gifts for Liv, so we have a moment to get settled while they duke it out."

As Mark moved to get Elliot, Kathy, and Eli a drink from the kitchen where a buffet was set up, the newest guests situated themselves on the couch closest to Olivia when Melinda, Huang, and Sister Ann got up so they could sit there. It was always an unspoken understanding that Elliot and Liv sat together.

Elliot was beyond grateful that everyone was doing their best to make the best of the situation, and that everyone was studiously avoiding having to look at him for longer than necessary. It was taking all of his control to sit next to Olivia and not beg her to wait for him. Not to beg her to re-think the possibility of _them_. He knew it was not only inappropriate for him to do so in Mark and Olivia's house, but he also had no right to ask for such a thing from her. As he sat silently next to his partner, he took in her appearance. She was in a dark green cashmere sweater with black pants, and her hair was down around her shoulders in silky waves. She looked good. She looked happy. He was glad she was happy. He really was. He just wished it was with him. "You look nice, Liv," he finally managed to choke out.

Olivia ignored the annoyed expression that crossed Kathy's face at Elliot's declaration and replied, "Thanks, El. I look fat, but it's nice of you to try and make me feel better."

"You don't look fat, Twigs, you look beautiful. You're glowing," Mark announced as he returned to the party with two bottles of water and a cup of punch for Eli. Handing the drinks to his guest Mark returned to his seat by Liv and kissed her cheek without thought. When he saw Elliot's face darken with anger out of the corner of his eye, Mark immediately pulled back. He didn't wish the man any ill will, and actually felt bad for him, so he was going to do his best not to rub in the fact Liv was with him.

Olivia had glanced at Elliot nervously when Mark kissed her, in fact everyone had, but when Elliot's jaw merely clenched and he stayed silent, she decided to move things along. It was enough for her that Elliot had come today. She was going to do as much to make today bearable for him as possible. Clearing her throat she said, "Well since I have to go to the bathroom about every thirty minutes I think we should all get started."

See the diversion for what it was, Alex picked up the first box and handed it to Mark so he could hold it while Liv unwrapped it. "Yeah, and since Stabler already started the party off with the best gift, trying to make us all look bad, you'll just have to amuse yourself with the gifts the rest of us got you."

Over the next hour Olivia opened all of her gifts. Alex and Casey had come to a shaky truce with Alex sorting the gifts and handing them to Olivia and Mark while Casey recorded who gave what in the baby book. Since Olivia and Mark had opted not to learn the sexes of the twins they had chosen neutral colors when registering for their gifts. The overall style was very trendy, and by the time everything was unwrapped Liv was surrounded by practically everything she and Mark had registered for. It was apparent all her friends and colleagues were going overboard, and it warmed her heart. Cragen had certainly blown her and everyone else away with two bonds for the unborn children worth $5,000 apiece for the twins college funds. The bonds would mature by their 18th birthdays. Everyone had been shocked when Olivia opened the envelope containing the bonds. Cragen had brushed off Olivia's tearful thank you, and simply said as the honorary grandfather it was his right to spoil them. For Cragen, it was a chance to spend some of his wife's insurance money in a way he knew she would be proud of.

All in all the majority of the party was fun and light hearted. After all the gifts were opened everyone ate some of the cake that Mark had picked up from the corner bakery. Then Eli was set down to play with Simon's little girl while Mark led most of the guest through the house to see how they'd renovated and redecorated. He and Liv had decided to make the second floor bedrooms guest rooms for now, and placed the nursery in the alcove of the master suite. They would move the twins into the second floor bedrooms when they were older.

While Mark gave a tour of the house, Olivia and Elliot sat in the family room watching over the kids. Elliot waited until he heard everyone moving around upstairs before turning to Liv and saying, "You really do look good, Liv. You look happy."

Smiling, Olivia replied, "Thank you, I am happy."

There was a moment of silence before Elliot offered stiffly, "Nice house. Real nice."

"Yeah. Mark worked pretty much nonstop for fifteen years and almost all of his money went into savings since his employers paid his traveling expenses. And since many of his photos and videos are still used he gets royalties for them as well. He was able to pay for 75% of the house up front so our mortgage payments are only a few hundred a month. We lucked out and found out about this place before it even hit the market. He did all of the repair work himself. Apparently he picked up quite a few carpenter skills while traveling the world."

Swallowing the bile that had risen in his throat, Elliot answered, "Well I'm glad you're happy here. You deserve to have everything you could ever want."

Hearing the pain in his voice, and seeing the internal struggle showcased in his gaze, Olivia set her hand atop his knee and whispered, "I don't have everything, Elliot, and I won't. I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. We both are. I know this isn't easy, El, but we can do this."

Running a hand over his face, Elliot cast a glance at his youngest son, seeing the boy playing with the blocks Simon's daughter had with her, before focusing back on his partner. "It's hard, Liv. It's hard seeing you here like this." Looking around the beautiful house Olivia now called home, he continued raggedly, "I've dreamed of this with you." Looking pointedly at her stomach he added, "I dreamed of _all_ of this with you … and now you're living it without me. _It hurts._ It hurts to see my dreams die."

"I know, Elliot. I know, but I promise it gets easier. It will be ok with time."

"Liv, this will never be ok. I'll never be ok with this. The best I can hope for is to stop feeling like I'm dying inside."

Seeing tears filling her partner's eyes, Liv sobbed, "Oh, El … I … I …." Her words trailed off. Neither knew what to say. Neither knew how to make all that was wrong between them right. They'd both fucked up so much over the past five years, and because they had both been too afraid to grab hold of each other they had lost out on the dream they both shared. It was hurting them both, but breaking Elliot the most. Olivia had finally reached a point where she knew she had to move on, and she had reached that point when Elliot finally realized he couldn't live a lie anymore. Olivia had finally moved forward with her life at the time Elliot had realized all he had lost by going home. Time just never seemed to be on their side.

They sat together in silence for a moment, trying desperately to compose themselves before everyone else returned from the tour of the house. Suddenly Olivia gasped and settled her hands over her stomach. The twins were kicking, and when Elliot saw the soft smile on her face he asked hesitantly, "Can I?"

Nodding her head, Olivia reached for her partner's hand and settled it atop her stomach where one of the babies was kicking her repeatedly. "Feel that?"

Elliot felt conflicting emotions rise up within him. He felt wonder at the fact he was feeling _Olivia's_ children moving inside her. He felt joy at the knowledge she was finally going to be a mother. But there was pain and heartbreak too. Feeling the movement beneath his hand he was again slapped in the face with the fact that Olivia was pregnant with children that were not his. She was not his wife, and she would _never_ be his wife. He would never feel his children move inside her, and that knowledge hurt him. Seeing the pleasure on her face though, he forced himself to smile as well and remark, "Already kicking ass, huh? Just like Mommy."

Before Olivia could respond there was a clearing of a throat by the entryway and both she and Elliot looked up to see Kathy standing at the end of the hallway that lead into the family room. Her face was blank, but it was obvious she'd seen some of Liv and Elliot's interaction. Olivia expected Elliot to jerk his hand back and stop touching her stomach, but he surprised her. He stared straight at his wife for a moment, as if daring Kathy to say something, before he focused back on her.

Elliot smoothed his hand over Olivia's stomach one more time as he said, "You're going to make a wonderful mother, Liv. The best."

Olivia smiled hesitantly, unsure how to proceed. "Uh … thanks, El. I hope I don't mess it up."

"You won't," Elliot assured.

Olivia nodded her head before looking at her partner's wife and asking, "Is Mark finished showing everyone around?"

"They're all checking out your new master bathroom, and I think the guys are having a look at the office/game room. I just came to check on Eli." Kathy's eyes shifted back and forth between her husband and Olivia. She knew she had walked in on a private moment between them, and she felt jealousy bubbling up within her. The look her husband had sent her as he caressed his partner's stomach had more than made it clear to her he wished he was the father. Refusing to show Olivia how upset and uncomfortable she was, Kathy forced a smile on her face and continued, "You have a lovely home, Olivia. Truly. And it is such a nice neighborhood."

"Thank you. Mark did all the hard work. I just picked color patterns, and I can admit I needed a lot of help to do that." Olivia could see the anger brewing in Kathy's eyes, and wanted to diffuse the situation as soon as possible. When Kathy sat stiffly next to Elliot, who was looking more and more ill, she pressed on. "So how are things with you Kathy?"

Once upon a time Olivia wouldn't have had to ask such a question because she and Elliot spoke at length of their personal lives to one another, but that was no longer the case. Elliot hadn't mentioned Kathy except in passing in years, and she truthfully had no idea what Kathy was doing with herself anymore. Elliot used to tell her about Kathy's part time job as a nurse, or the clubs and activities she was involved in with other mothers from their neighborhood, but Olivia had no idea if Kathy was doing any of that anymore.

Kathy forced her tone to be civil as she replied, "Not much. Now that Eli is getting older I'm starting to pick up a few more shifts a week at the hospital. He's going to start pre-K next year and then I'll go back to working 40 hours a week, but for now I'm working about 20, and I spend the rest of the time at home. The other kids might be almost out of the house, but I swear it takes just as much work to keep up with and clean up after them as it did when they were toddlers."

Liv smiled at that and asked, "And how are the kids? Kathleen should be graduating in May right?"

Eyes widening, Kathy asked, "Elliot hasn't filled you in?"

Glancing at Elliot, who looked guilty, Olivia said, "No. We've been working a pretty hard case lately and haven't really had a chance to talk about our personal lives. Is there something I should know?"

Kathy looked back and forth between Elliot and Olivia, trying to decide if there was a reason Elliot hadn't told his partner about Kathleen, but she finally decided she would never understand what was between them and it was pointless to try. Focusing back on her husband's partner she answered, "Kathleen has decided to graduate early. She will graduate in December and then she and Maureen are going to get an apartment together near Hudson while Maureen works on her masters in child psychology. Kathleen was given early acceptance, so she'll start her freshman year in January. She's worked really hard this past year to get her grades in order and things like that."

Smiling broadly, Olivia exclaimed, "That's wonderful!" Slapping Elliot's knee she chastised, "Why didn't you tell me, El?"

He wanted to say that he had been meaning to tell her, but every time he got ready to she'd rub her stomach, or mention something about the baby, and it was all he could do to keep his cool. Seeing how both women in his life were waiting for an answer he finally shrugged and replied, "Never came up." He held Olivia's gaze as he spoke and his eyes showed his true reasons.

Kathy looked on as her husband and his partner seemed to communicate without words. This was why she hated being around Olivia and her husband at the same time. When the two of them were together everyone else seemed to fade away. Kathy hated and despised how she felt like the third wheel with her own husband. She tolerated it for as long as she could before blurting out, "So when are you and Mark getting married?"

The reaction was immediate. Elliot inhaled sharply, a deep, guttural, wounded sound that let both women know the thought of Olivia getting married ate at his soul, but neither woman was willing to mention that fact. For her part, Olivia merely flinched and tried to remind herself that this had to be hard for Kathy as well, and she would forgive the woman her callousness. Glancing at Elliot, and seeing his jaw clenching, Olivia stuttered, "Uh, well … Mark and I have decided to wait to get married. We want to get used to being parents first. We'll worry about marriage after that."

Kathy, already pushed to the brink from today's occurrences, couldn't keep from remarking, "You're not going to get married before the children are born?" The disapproval in her tone was obvious.

Elliot felt his rage beating at him and he picked up his water as he said, "Maybe not everyone wants to make the mistake of getting married just because they have a baby on the way. Maybe Olivia and Mark realize that a true marriage should amount to more than a house and kids between a man and wife."

There was a stunned silence at Elliot's words. Olivia's eyes had gone wide with shock, and Kathy's had filled with tears and embarrassment. Neither woman knew what to say in that moment, but thankfully both women were spared from having to address the bomb Elliot had just dropped when the sounds of the others reached them seconds before Mark led the group back into the room. Kathy stood quickly and mumbled something about needing to use the restroom and rushed past everyone. Olivia couldn't even look at Elliot as Mark came to retake his seat beside them. She couldn't believe Elliot had just basically said to her _and_ his wife that he was trapped in a loveless marriage. She was starting to think he really was losing his mind.

With one look at Olivia Mark knew something had gone horribly wrong while he'd been showing the others the house. And considering how Elliot's wife had basically just torn out of the room he was guessing it had something to do with Elliot himself. Mark looked at the other man and noticed that Stabler seemed to be just barely containing himself. Seeing Olivia looking a little shell shocked, Mark decided he would do the best he could to keep the party from becoming horribly uncomfortable. Raking his brain for something to say to keep attention off of Olivia, Elliot, and the absentee Kathy, Mark said, "So Fin, have you and Ken decided whether or not you're going to join us for Christmas? Cragen and Munch have accepted their invites, but we're still waiting on you."

Fin, along with everyone else, could tell something had happened between Olivia, Elliot and Kathy while they were gone, but again, no one was willing to mention that fact. Fin cleared his throat and answered, "Yeah, we're going to come. We'll probably take you up on your invitation to crash here as well. His mother is going to Vegas for Christmas, so it will just be us."

Ken, who really liked and respected Olivia, and was, of course, aware of the unrealized love between Elliot and Olivia, followed his father's lead in trying to keep the party from becoming uncomfortable. "Yeah. I'm actually really looking forward to it. Thanksgiving was great, and since mom is going out of town with my aunt, this works out perfectly."

Wanting to keep the talking going so Elliot and Olivia would have more time to compose themselves, Mark continued, "That's great. With the two guest rooms, the couches in the formal living room and the ones in here we'll have plenty of room. Maybe we can convince Liv to try and cook something."

Munch laughed, took his glasses off so he could clean them, and teased, "If Olivia's cooking I say we have some takeout on standby … just in case."

Elbowing his partner, Fin replied, "Kind of like we keep instant coffee ready at the station for the days none of us can keep you away from the coffee pot?"

Olivia shook herself out of her stupor and focused on the conversation. She couldn't believe that Elliot had said what he'd said, especially with both her _and_ Kathy in the room, but there was nothing she could do about it now. Forcing herself to smile, Olivia said to Munch, "I'll have you know that I can cook!"

Finished cleaning his glasses, Much replaced them on his face and mocked, "Oh really? So all those burned rolls and smoke coming from the kitchen on Thanksgiving was just for show?"

There was a round of laughter as Olivia glared at Munch and threw one of the balls of wrapping paper from her gifts at him. With that the party began to wind down. Kathy returned after about fifteen minutes and took up her position next to Elliot. She sat straight backed and without comment for the rest of the visit. Her only interaction was with Eli as he came over to crawl into her lap. Elliot wasn't much for conversation either, but he did manage to keep from saying anything else inappropriate.

Finally, the only ones left were Alex, Casey, Fin, Cragen, Munch, Huang, Elliot, Kathy and Eli. Alex and Casey were busy upstairs putting all the baby things away in the generic nursery Olivia and Mark had upstairs. Until the twins were born they didn't want to decorate too much. Without knowing the sex of the twins they didn't see the point. Kathy had taken Eli to the bathroom so he could use to toilet and so she could wash the cake off his hands, and Mark and Olivia were showing Cragen, Munch, and Fin some of the sonogram pictures in the office that were saved on Mark's computer. That was why Huang found Elliot alone in the family room.

The smaller man sat next to the seasoned detective and said, "You need to talk to someone."

Elliot didn't even glance at the FBI agent as he replied, "I don't need to be shrinked, doc. I know what my issues are. The problem is the chance to make them right has long since passed me by."

"I know," Huang agreed. "You've landed yourself in a bad spot and there might be no way out, but that's not why you need to talk to someone."

"Oh really? So what is the reason I need to talk to someone?"

"Because keeping this inside you is going to kill you." George looked at his long time friend and employee and continued, "Elliot, I'm not saying talk to me, though I am here for you if you want to talk to me, but you need to talk to someone. You need to get all of these emotions out of you. You've always internalized your problems, but internalizing this problem? It will break you, and if you break Olivia will follow not soon afterwards. You need to speak to someone, if not for yourself, then for Olivia."

When it looked like Elliot was going to argue, Huang announced, "Olivia was seeing someone up until a few months ago."

That caught Elliot's attention. "What?"

Nodding his head, George carried on. "I'm only telling you this because I think you need to hear it. I don't want to break trust with Olivia, but as your friend as well, you need to know." Looking straight into Elliot's eyes, Huang continued, "You know that Olivia has been through a rough few years. She's had a rough life in general. I don't pretend to know what is between you two, and I certainly don't understand all the problems you have. All I know is that you two are so entrenched in each other's lives I don't think there is a way to separate you. So I'm only telling you this to help Olivia."

"Doc, you're beating around the bush."

"Olivia came to me a few months after Sealview. We didn't talk about what had happened, but she told me she needed to see a counselor." Seeing Elliot's shocked expression George added, "She was having flashbacks, and I'm fairly certain she was experiencing some form of PTSD. For almost two years now she's been seeing someone to work out her issues, to verbalize them so that they don't seem larger than life. I think you need to do that as well."

Elliot felt like someone had stabbed him in the gut and was twisting the knife. He'd had no idea that Olivia had gotten so bad that she was actually having flashbacks. And PTSD? It was only another brutal slap to the face over the fact he hadn't been there for her as he should have been. It was yet more proof that he had failed Olivia as a partner and a friend. He'd asked her about Sealview, of course, but she'd simply said she was fine. He could have read the police report, but he'd never managed to bring himself to do it. He couldn't read about what had happened to her when he hadn't been there to protect her. When Liv had refused to speak to him of it he'd cornered Fin in the elevator one day and asked him. His co-worker's reluctance to meet his gaze had let Elliot know that _something_ had happened in that basement, but Fin had been adamant that Olivia was _not_ raped. That was the only reason Elliot hadn't forced Olivia to tell him what had happened. Now, hearing how badly he had failed her, his heart only broke more.

Burying his head in his hands he whispered, "I'm losing it, Doc. I'm fucking losing it here."

George greatly respected Elliot. He respected the man that fought evil with his bare hands day after day. Huang, like everyone else at the 1-6, felt terrible for the situation Benson and Stabler were in. Truthfully he didn't see a happy ending for either couple, but he would offer what help he could. George gave Elliot a moment to collect himself before he offered, "You need time, Elliot. Only time will help. For now the best you can do is what you're doing."

"And what's that?"

"Remember that Olivia needs this, and take one day at a time." Standing up Huang inclined his head to the detective he'd worked so many years with and said, "I'll give you a few moments."

When he was gone Elliot leaned back against the couch and took deep breaths. Thankfully no one else came to disturb him for a few minutes, and by the time Kathy had returned with Eli he was more in control of himself. One look at his wife's face and Elliot knew it was time for them to go. Kathy's expression showed that she was done putting on a good face, and if he didn't get her out of here she was going to end up saying something to Olivia. He knew he'd been out of line earlier with what he'd said to Olivia and his wife about his marriage, but as soon as Kathy had asked Liv about when she and Mark were getting married he'd just snapped.

Kathy shifted Eli on her hip as she stared at her husband. He was still sitting on the couch where he'd been for practically the whole party, and she could tell from his expression that he was just as ready to leave as she was. She knew it was for different reasons though. It hurt her to know that Olivia not only had her husband's love, which apparently had never been hers, and that even though Olivia and Elliot weren't together she was still happy. In Kathy's opinion it wasn't fair that Olivia not only held Elliot's heart, but that the other woman was still happy in her home life. Kathy's own home life was a war zone. Olivia Benson had the best of both worlds, and it just wasn't fair. "We're going," she said finally.

"Figured," Elliot replied as he stood. He didn't look at his wife as he walked past her to find Olivia.

In the office everyone looked up as Elliot cleared his throat from the doorway. Stabler looked only at his partner as he said, "Kathy wants to get Eli home so we're going to head out."

Olivia moved from behind the desk where she and Mark had been showing their other guests sonogram pictures of the twins and made her way towards Elliot. "I'll see you out." As the two headed towards the front door where Kathy was already standing with her youngest child, Olivia said, "I'm so glad you guys could come. It really meant a lot to Mark and I."

Elliot really could have done without that last part, but managed to say, "We were glad we could come. It was a nice shower."

Before Olivia could reply Kathy gave an inelegant snort, shot a glare at Olivia, jerked open the door and stomped out without a word. Olivia watched as Eli waved at her over his mother's shoulder. When Kathy was far enough away that she wouldn't hear them, Olivia turned to Elliot and said softly, "You were out of line earlier, El. You hurt her."

Crossing his arms over his chest as he glared off after his wife, Elliot grunted, "Yeah, well there's enough pain and misery to go around, isn't there?"

Refusing to get into a fight with him over this, Olivia continued, "Things will get better, Elliot. I swear they will."

Shaking his head, Elliot argued, "Better? How can they possibly get better? I'm stuck in a loveless marriage with a woman I resent more and more by the day, a woman who doesn't know me and can't, and I work side by side with the woman I really love, but she's pregnant with another man's kids and living with him. How can they get better, Liv? Huh? Tell me."

Hearing the defeated tone of his voice, Olivia felt tears fill her eyes. "El … I wish I could tell you that everything is going t work out, but we both know that's not going to happen. I wish I could tell you that this pain will go away, but we both know it won't. All I can tell you is that I'll always be here. I'll always be a phone call or drive over the bridge away."

Closing his eyes, Elliot took a deep breath and begged, "I can't do this, Liv. I can't. I can't go home with her and pretend I want to be there. I can't go home with her and pretend to be happily married to her. I can't live this lie anymore."

Glancing over Elliot's shoulder Olivia could see Kathy in the front seat of Elliot's jeep. The woman was glaring at them, and Liv knew she needed to bring this conversation to a close. The front stoop of her brownstone was definitely not the place for this discussion. Stepping closer to Elliot she took his hand and asked, "If you could, would you undo the past? Would you go back and make it so that Eli was never born? Would you really choose that?"

Looking deep into Olivia's midnight eyes, Elliot replied, "No. I wouldn't undo his birth. I just wish it was a different woman that had brought him into the world." Holding her gaze he continued, "I wish he was the child of the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. If I could go back all I'd have changed about the night he was conceived is that I'd have gone to you instead of Kathy. If I could go back it would have been you I turned to when I was hurting. If I could go back I wouldn't have made the same mistake I made when I was a kid. I wouldn't have gone home just because Kathy told me she was pregnant. I wouldn't have walked away from you and thrown away any chance I had at ever being happy. If I could go back I would have found the courage to tell you that I'm head over heels in love with you and want _you_ to be my wife instead of going home to a woman that I can't even stand the thought of touching and haven't touched in over a year. Those are the things I would change."

"Oh El …." Olivia didn't know what to say to him. Seeing the raw desperation and agony in his gaze broke her heart. No longer caring about Kathy watching, only concerned with helping Elliot get past this pain, Olivia pulled him to her and hugged him as best she could around her stomach. "We're going to get through this, El. We're going to get through this together. We're Benson and Stabler and we can do anything we set our minds to."

Elliot didn't even hesitate to wrap his arms around Olivia. This was the first time they'd ever truly shared a hug. When he'd hugged her in the hospital hallway after the crash she hadn't reciprocated, and he'd released her before she could overcome her shock and do so, but now they clutched at each other desperately. Burying his face into her silky locks he inhaled the scent that was imprinted on his soul, the scent that haunted his dreams. "I don't know what to do, Liv. I don't love her. I hate that house. I hate walking in that door and being reminded of all the reasons I can't have you. I love my kids, you know they're my world, but that house, my sham of a marriage, they're sucking the life out of me."

Holding him tightly, Olivia whispered, "Elliot, you have to stop looking at it like that. You have to stop looking at your life and seeing only what you don't have, or what you missed out on. I know it's hard. I know you're hurting, but if you're going to get through this you need to start looking at what you do have. You have five beautiful children. You have a job you're damn good at, and the people you work with respect you and would put their lives and careers on the line for you. And maybe you don't love Kathy like you should, but that doesn't mean you don't have twenty plus years of history with her. She may never understand you the way I do, but isn't it enough that you have my friendship? You have me to understand and listen to you, so maybe you just need to try and understand and listen to her. You have to try, Elliot. Things will never get better at home if you don't want them to. Stop hating what you have. Start fighting to be happy. We're fighters, Elliot, it's what we do. Talk to her, Elliot, talk to her and see if you can find a middle ground."

Elliot held tightly to Olivia a moment longer, taking in the feel of her in his arms since he was afraid he'd never be in the position to hold her again. He held onto her for as long as he could, but all to soon she was pulling away from him. As she stepped back from him with a final squeeze of his hand before she ended all contact with him, Elliot pleaded, "Don't leave me, Liv. No matter what happens while we sort this out, just don't leave me. Not again. I survived it twice, but if you go a third time it will kill me."

Silent tears slipped down her cheeks as Liv promised, "I'm not going anywhere, Elliot. It nearly killed me to leave you twice, and I don't have the strength to walk away from you a third time. I'm here for good, Stabler, you're never going to get rid of me."

"Never just might be long enough." Elliot gave Olivia a small smile before turning and walking down the steps of her stoop to head for his Jeep. When he got in the car he didn't say anything to Kathy, and she didn't say anything to him. The entire ride back to Queens was made in silence except for Eli's childish talk about how much fun he'd had at the party, and he wanted more cake.

When they made it home Elliot was glad to see that Kathleen and the twins were out of the house. Kathleen had gone into the city to continue apartment hunting with Maureen, and the twins had left a note on the counter that they'd gone to the movies with their friends. In Elliot's opinion it was perfect. Liv was right, he had to talk to Kathy. He couldn't keep going like this. As Kathy took a now sleeping Eli upstairs to lay down for a nap, he took a seat in the living room to try and figure out what to say to his wife.

A few minutes later Kathy came downstairs and found Elliot sitting on the couch in the living room staring at the wall in silence. She knew they had to talk. After what had happened today there was no doubt they had to clear the air. Walking into the room she sat in the recliner across from him and said, "We have to talk."

"No shit."

Kathy glared at her husband and hissed, "Don't fucking start, Elliot!"

Not wanting to fight since they actually needed to come to an understanding, Elliot took several deep breaths to calm himself. When he was ready he stated bluntly, "I don't love you, Kathy. Not the way a husband should. While we were separated I realized I had never truly been in love with you. I realized the only reason we were together was because of the kids, and I was ready to move on. Then you told me you were pregnant and wanted me to come home and suddenly it was like we were kids again. I felt trapped. I felt trapped by you and my faith. I did what was expected of me and I came home. It was the wrong decision. You were wrong to ask me to come back to a marriage that hadn't been working for a long time just because we had a baby on the way, and I was wrong in thinking I had no choice but to come back."

Kathy's heart was beating wildly in her chest. Terror that Elliot was going to walk out and leave her alone threatened to consume her. She forced her voice to be strong as she countered, "Regardless, Elliot, you are my husband and we made vows. You have responsibilities to me and this family. You can't just walk away from them because you're unhappy."

"You did."

Flinching, Kathy continued, "I was wrong to push for the separation or divorce in the first place, and I've realized that now. I should never have asked you to leave home. It doesn't matter that the only reason you came back was because of Eli. What matters is that this is where you belong. We've been married for over twenty years, and we're going to be married for twenty more. _This_ is your home. _This_ is where you belong."

Elliot held Kathy's gaze as he replied, "It's not where my heart is. Can you live with the knowledge that your husband is in love with another woman?"

Refusing to look away or back down, Kathy affirmed, "As long as you remain faithful, as long as you never betray me physically, your heart is yours to do with as you please. I know you're in love with Olivia. I've known for years. Hell, everyone knows, even our own children. I made peace with that fact a long time ago. Right now all I need from you is for you to keep to your vows. You promised me for better or worse. You swore to God to have me and no other. I expect you to keep to those vows. Love Olivia all you want, but know your place is here … with me."

Closing his eyes Elliot forced himself to accept Kathy's words. As much as he wanted a divorce, he was not going to fight her for one. He couldn't do that to his kids. Kathy was determined to stay married to him, and if he tried to divorce her he knew she would make his life a living hell. They sat in silence for a moment as Elliot gained control of himself. When he was ready to continue talking he opened his eyes and looked at Kathy. "Fine. I'm here, but we need to set some ground rules."

Kathy bristled at that. "What the hell do you mean 'ground rules'?"

"Olivia and I spoke about—"

"Oh! Of course! Olivia has some requirements and all the rest of us have to fall in line so she can be happy!"

Hands curling into fists, Elliot snarled, "_Don't_ talk about her like that!"

Kathy actually leaned back at the raw fury she saw in Elliot's expression. "Elliot," she whispered fearfully.

Elliot could tell he was frightening his wife, but he wouldn't tolerate her berating Olivia. Not anymore. "Olivia isn't the one that asked for the changes I'm about to tell you about. I'm the one that set them down, and you'll either live by them or I'll pack tonight."

When Kathy simply nodded her head, Elliot continued, "You will never speak about Olivia like you have been. You will not degrade or demean her. You will not make snide remarks, you will not whisper hateful things in the ears of our children about her and how she ruined our marriage. What is between us died before it even started, and you damn well know that. You will stop blaming her for our shortcomings. You will not attempt to interfere in Olivia's relationship with Eli as his godmother."

Now Kathy was angry. "Now wait just a damn minute! Eli is my son, and I have a say about who gets to be around him! Olivia has already corrupted one man in my life! I'm sure as hell not going to let her take another!" Kathy was already jealous of the closer relationship Maureen and Lizzie had with Olivia, and she despised the fact Dickie and all his school friends practically drooled over the exotic looking woman. None of her son's friends had paid such attention to her, and it was just another point of jealousy she had for the woman.

"Olivia has only ever tried to help this family, Kathy. Do you forget Eli is only here because of her? Hell, you're only here because of her."

"I'm surprised you're not mad at her then. If I had died in that crash you'd be able to be with your precious Olivia!"

Shaking his head, Elliot replied, "Just because I'm not in love with you doesn't mean I don't care about you, Kathy. We have five children and many years of history between us. I may not be happy with you, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you. I'm glad you and Eli came out of that crash healthy. What I'm saying now is that you have to respect the fact my heart belongs to Olivia. You've said you don't want to divorce despite that, and I won't walk away from you if you want to make this work. So if you're determined to make this work between us you have to make peace with the fact Olivia is part of my life."

"How much a part?"

"Olivia is Eli's godmother and she will continue to be invited to all of his events. She's also asked me to be the godfather to her twins and I've accepted. Whether you come or not, I will be as much a part of their lives as she will let me."

Fists clenching in her lap, Kathy asked, "Anything else? Any other rules I should know about?"

"You are not to come to the precinct anymore. Not unless it is an emergency. You're not to come up there or call me there."

"Why not?"

"Because I told Liv I don't want Mark up there either. I don't want to see him or hear him more than I have to. I told Liv that while we're at work we belong to each other. At work you and Mark are not part of the equation. I may have to come home to you, Kathy, but while I'm at work Olivia is the only woman for me. I can't be with her in the way I want to be because I'm stuck here, so I'm not going to let either you or Mark interfere in me being with her at work. You will never come to the precinct for lunch or anything like that again. You will never call to talk. You do not contact me while I'm at work, while I'm with Olivia, unless it is an emergency."

Kathy's mouth dropped open in shock. "I can't believe you're saying this."

"Believe it." Elliot refused to look away from his wife as he continued, "I have never had an affair, and I never will. You've made sure that I'll never be able to have the only woman I truly want, so you don't need to worry about that. It's bad enough that I have to come back to this house that feels like a prison, but I'm not going to let you or Mark intrude on the time I do get to spend with Olivia. If you ever come to the precinct and it is not for a legitimate emergency I'll file for divorce that same damn day."

Seeing how serious Elliot was, Kathy choked out, "I won't. I won't come ever again. Believe me, the last thing I want to do is see you pining after Olivia Benson."

Shaking his head, Elliot muttered, "Well it is a sight you'd better get used to. I'll love Olivia Benson to my dying day, and there will never be a time I don't dream of the 'what ifs' when it comes to her. There will never be a day that I don't kick myself for going to you that night instead of her. There will never be a day I don't carry the regret that Eli is yours and not hers."

Tears pouring freely down her cheeks now, Kathy sobbed, "How can you say these things to me? How can you … How can … God, Elliot!"

Elliot had never intentionally hurt his wife before, but he was at the point that he was tired of all the lying and pretending. He just couldn't do it anymore. "I'm saying them because they are true. I'm tired of lying, Kathy. I'm tired of living a lie. I'm just tired of all of it. You want me here? You want to make this marriage work? Well then from this moment forward there will be only truth between us. I'm not going to lie about being in love with Olivia anymore. I'm not going to lie about my reasons for being here. I'm done with pretending. From now on if I want to grab a drink with Olivia after work, I'm not going to tell you I'm working late. From now on if I want to catch a game with her on a Sunday afternoon I will. From now on if I want to talk to her on the phone I'm not going to sneak around to do it. From this moment forward I'm embracing truth. Hiding from the truth is what landed me in this position in the first place. If I had just admitted to being in love with Olivia, admitted to the truth that I need her mind, body and soul, then I wouldn't be miserable. I made the mistake of living a lie, and now I'm paying for it. So I'm done with all of it. You want me here? Then you have to face and accept the truth that I don't want to be here."

Kathy held Elliot's gaze for as long as she could. After several long, intensely uncomfortable moments, she whispered, "I can't believe after twenty years and five children this is where we're at."

Shrugging, Elliot replied, "Neither of us is going to get what we want out of this, Kathy. All we can do is try and make the most of it. Maybe one day we can at least be friends. For now we just have to learn to at least live together. It's not a lot, but at least it's something."

Kathy couldn't take it anymore. She had already made the decision that even though she no longer loved Elliot the way she should either, she didn't want to divorce him. She didn't want to end up alone. Elliot may not love her, but she knew he would remain faithful to her. Hopefully after enough time had passed he could come to want her in some way again. Unable to say anything she stifled her sobs with a hand over her mouth and ran from the room.

When she was gone Elliot let his head fall back on the couch. His whole body hurt and he felt bone tired. Today had taken a toll on him. He was glad that today was Sunday, and he'd be able to go into work tomorrow and see Liv. Now that he'd straightened things out with Kathy, made it clear to her where he stood in their marriage, he could begin trying to figure out how to make things work in his very complicated relationship with his partner. Today had been bad, he prayed tomorrow would be better.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: I don't know a whole lot about divorce proceedings and the laws regarding divorce. I know that each state has different laws and such, but I'm not that informed about the subject. I'm basically making stuff up to fit my story, so please any lawyers or law students out there don't PM telling me my facts are wrong.

Also, remember there are going to be large time jumps in this story. I never intended this to be a long story. Probably about ten chapters so I'm going to gloss over the small stuff and mainly address the major plot points.

Chapter 5

The next morning Elliot made his way into the precinct early. Predictably, he'd slept on the couch the night before, making sure to get up and be out of the house well before Kathy or any of the kids woke up. He'd hit the precinct's gym the second he got here and worked out for a solid two hours before taking a shower and changing into one of the spare suits he kept in his locker. Even after all of that he was still sitting at his desk a good ten minutes before 7 and knew he had some time to kill before anyone else would make it in for the morning. He used that time to catch up on some of the paperwork that was attempting to form a mountain on his desk, catch up on paperwork and avoid thinking that Olivia was at home in bed with a man that wasn't him.

By the time Olivia came in around 8:15 he'd made substantial progress on his paperwork, and done a better job at not contemplating how badly his life had gone to shit than he would have thought possible. He even managed a watery smile when Olivia eased herself down in her chair. "Hey, Liv, running a little late this morning?"

"Yeah, I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed this morning. Too warm and too comfortable," Olivia joked. After everyone had left the party yesterday she'd told Mark what had happened in the family room between her, Elliot, and Kathy. Mark had been stunned and saddened at the news and told Olivia that he was as clueless as to what to do about this situation as she was. They'd discussed it at length and finally decided that she was just going to have to give Elliot some time. He was too turned around in his head for her to approach him about it now.

"I know the feeling." Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he hadn't been happy to hop out of bed and get to work. Leaving his bed meant leaving behind the shackles of his loveless marriage to see the woman he truly loved, but wasn't free be with.

Olivia met Elliot's eyes tentatively and was relieved to see that he had pulled himself together since their disastrous meeting the day before. She could still see the hurt and longing there, the pain and regret, but his eyes weren't broken as they'd been yesterday. She knew this wasn't going to be easy on either of them, but she knew from experience that time lessened pain. It would never truly go away, and she and Elliot would probably always have their moments where they wondered "what if", but she hoped they could find a comfortable middle ground again. She couldn't lose him as a friend, confidant, and partner. She just couldn't.

They continued to stare at each other in silence for a few moments before Cragen came out of his office and announced, "We got a body on 34th. Elliot, you take it with Fin. Munch, go meet up with Melinda and find out what came up in the autopsy from the Monroe case. Olivia, I need you to go over those witness statements from the Monroe case and see who's worth following up on and who's not."

There was some shuffling around as everyone grabbed what they needed and began following up on their assignments, but before Elliot left with Fin he leaned down to ask Olivia, "Can we have lunch this afternoon?"

Olivia's expression showed her surprise. They hadn't had lunch together in such a long time. Even before Mark came into the picture things hadn't been great between her and Elliot. Usually they just grabbed something on the way to or from the precinct, but actually go somewhere to sit down and eat? That hadn't happened in awhile. Of course she and Elliot had agreed to start mending their friendship so she nodded her head and stuttered, "Uh—y—yeah. Sounds good. See you when you get back."

Elliot smiled softly before turning around and following after Fin. The trip to the garage to collect their squad car and the drive to the location of the body was made in silence. The crime scene was crawling with uniforms and crime scene investigators as well as one of Melinda's assistants that told them bluntly there was enough DNA on the body to clone the attacker. From all perspectives it was going to be a pretty open and shut case. The neighbors had called the police when they'd heard the woman yelling for help and there was a restraining order against the ex-boyfriend. Not to mention several of the neighbors had seen a man matching the ex's description running down the hallway when they'd come out of their apartments to see what all the commotion was. They were hoping for a pretty quick arrest.

When all the statements had been taken and Elliot and Fin had done all they could do at the scene and were headed back to the precinct to run the boyfriend's name so they could get an address, Fin approached the forbidden topic. "Can I talk to you about something, man?"

Glancing at Fin out of the corner of his eye so he could focus on the road, Elliot replied, "I guess."

"It's gonna piss you off, but I'd like you to listen and think about it before going off on me." Fin knew he was butting into business that wasn't technically his, but he felt he needed to say something. One, Olivia was like a sister to him. He respected her on so many levels and he genuinely cared about her. Second, while he and Elliot had a rocky relationship as colleagues and friends, he did care about the hardheaded ass.

Elliot felt a knot form in his stomach. He was fairly certain he knew what Fin wanted to talk about and he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear it. His emotions were still too raw, and frankly he was tired of hearing everyone reiterate the truth that it was time for him to let Olivia go, but he owed Fin. He owed Fin a lot, and part of his promise to himself to stop being a total bastard to everyone and try being a better person meant he'd have to put himself out there from time to time.

With that in mind he said, "Shoot."

"You need to get divorced."

There was a stunned silence and Elliot was glad they were at a red light so that he didn't have to worry about swerving into another car. He blinked once, twice, three times before croaking, "W—what?"

Fin turned his head to face Elliot and repeated, "You need to get divorced. Plain and simple. You don't love Kathy, your marriage is toxic, Olivia is settling, and you both are miserable. This shit is only going to get worse. Things with your wife are never going to get better and you're going to spend the rest of your life resenting her, and your kids are going to pick up on it. If they haven't already. Man up, get divorced and go after your woman."

Elliot watched as Fin then proceeded to ignore him as he reached forward to turn the radio on. The light turned green and Elliot faced forward as well as he followed along with the traffic. Once upon a time he would have laid into the man for talking to him like that, for bringing up his personal problems as though he had a right to offer advice, but that was pre-Mark. That was before he'd been forced to face the fact he was living a half-life and a lie. That was before he'd watched Olivia walk away from him. Now? Now he was a man that had little to no hope left and barely any fight left at all.

Elliot was silent for about ten minutes before he finally replied, "Kathy doesn't want one."

Fin was shocked that Elliot hadn't raged at him for his words, and even more so that he was actually continuing the conversation, but that didn't stop him from commenting, "Tough shit. It's what everyone needs. She's scared. I get that, but she'll get over it. You all will. But this shit now? What you are all going through? That's just going to get worse. Nothing good can come from all of you pretending you can go on like this."

"Like what?"

"Like you and Liv aren't soul mates. You two are what poems and those fucking Hallmark movies are made of. You're the real deal and that's worth fighting for, no matter the odds."

When it looked like Elliot was going to say something Fin held his hand up to stop him and continued, "I think you're an idiot for going home, and I'm actually pretty pissed at you about it because not only did it crush Olivia but it caused you to treat her like shit for damn near two years. In general I don't think you're good enough for Olivia, but you two? That doesn't happen often. It's worth fighting for, Elliot. It's worth fighting hard."

Elliot swallowed thickly and tried, "She's with Mark."

"Because you're still married to Kathy."

"They're having twins."

"You've got five kids with Kathy."

"Exactly," Elliot agreed. "There's too much separating us."

Shaking his head, Fin countered, "The only thing separating you two are mistakes that need fixing. You have two choices. You can either live this way the rest of your life, or you can do what needs doing to fix it all. I'm not saying it will be easy, because it sure as shit won't, but it still needs doing."

Elliot's hands gripped the steering wheel tightly as he insisted, "Kathy will fight me on everything. Custody, visitation, child support, everything. She'll make my life a living hell."

"So?"

Elliot was incredulous. "So? So I might lose my kids! She'll say my job prevents me from being home and I'll never see them."

Shaking his head, Fin argued, "Nah, she might fight for full custody but she'll never get it. On paper you come off as a saint. You're a long time cop that fights the lowest of the low when it comes to criminals. You were a marine and fought for this country, your other kids adore you, and you've put a roof over everyone's head and food on the table for years. In the end with a good lawyer, and you know plenty, you'll come out all right. The best thing you have is your other kids. You really think they'll let their mother keep you from their youngest brother out of spite? If Kathy tries that shit they'd be pissed at her, the rest of your family too. You may not have always been the best husband, but you were always a good father. No one argues that. Kathy may start some shit initially, but if you stand your ground she'll cave. It's just going to take some hard work. You might need to take some time off or transfer temporarily, but—"

"Transfer! And stop being Liv's partner?"

Fin eyed Elliot and said, "You two have separated before when things turned sour. You always found your way back to each other. Not to mention Liv's going to be going on maternity leave for five months when the twins are born. And it's not like you two can be partners if you get together anyways. There's plenty of time for you to get your shit worked out because you sure as hell can't try going to Liv if you're still married."

"Kathy will—"

"Kathy will get over it. She's like any other woman, scared of being alone, but she'll cope and probably be happier after the dust settles. You all will, because as things stand no one is happy."

"Liv is."

Shaking his head at Elliot's stupidity, Fin scoffed, "She's happy about the twins, but happy about never being with you? Not likely. She's settling because you refuse to walk away from a dead marriage that will never make a happy home. She waited as long as she could for you to fix your shit and you didn't, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't be with you if you were free."

"But Mark—"

"Mark is a stand in. You know it, Liv knows it, hell even Mark knows it! Everyone knows you don't love Kathy and Live doesn't love Mark. Kathy and Mark know you two love each other."

When Elliot's jaw clenched Fin concluded, "You can be happy, Elliot. You and Liv both, but you gotta fight for it. I've never seen you back down from the right thing before, but right now you're acting like a pussy. Going on and on about all the things keeping you apart, but in the end it's only your fear keeping you from being with Olivia. If you can go the rest of your days never knowing what it's like to love her freely and wholly then by all means stay married to Kathy, but if you can't you need to grow a pair and get a fucking divorce."

He couldn't do this. He couldn't think about this right now. Not after what happened yesterday. His knuckles were gripping the steering wheel so tight they were white. "We're done talking about this."

Fin just shrugged. "Said all I need to say anyway."

The rest of the ride was made in silence.

…

…

…

Later that day Elliot parked the cruiser outside of Liv's favorite Chinese place and got out to run around and open her door before she even finished unbuckling her seatbelt. Due to the fact she was carrying twins she looked nine months pregnant instead of seven and needed help getting in and out of the car. It was one of the few times he actually got to help her. He disliked the fact that several layers of clothing prevented him from touching her skin due to it being winter, but at least he got to help her, touch her in some small way.

With his hand on the small of her back he steered her into the restaurant. They both checked their coats and surprisingly enough were seated rather quickly. As Elliot was helping Olivia into her seat the hostess asked, "When is your baby due?"

Olivia waited for Elliot to push her chair in for her and as he took his seat across from her she answered, "I'm actually having twins so I'm only seven months along. I still have a few to go."

"Oh, well that's lovely," the hostess said with a bright smile. Turning to Elliot she added, "You must be so excited! Do you guys know what you're having?"

There was a slight pause as Olivia tried to think of a polite way to say Elliot wasn't the father but she didn't get the chance. If asked later Elliot wouldn't be able to say why he did what he did, but he didn't regret it. Not looking at Olivia he told the hostess, "We're waiting until they're born. We want to be surprised."

The hostess beamed at them. "That's so sweet. Well I'll leave you alone to look over the menus. Your waitress will be with you shortly."

When she was gone Olivia turned stunned eyes on her partner and whispered, "Elliot, why did you do that?"

"Liv, it was just easier not to cause a scene. Let's just forget about it, okay? What are you going to get?"

Olivia stared at Elliot for a moment but when he refused to meet her gaze she decided not to make the moment even more awkward and replied, "I think I'm going to get the sesame chicken and four egg rolls."

"Four? Wow, I knew you were eating more but dang."

Olivia reminded herself that throwing something at her partner would be juvenile. She was tempted, but she managed to rise above. "I'm seven months pregnant. I get a pass, and you're supposed to be polite enough not to mention it."

"Okay, I won't mention you're eating like a football team. That would just be rude."

They shared a smile and the slight tension from moments before melted away. The waitress arrived to give them their waters and take their orders. When she left Elliot asked, "So you're not even a little curious about learning the sexes?"

"Of course I am, but I'd prefer to be surprised."

"Why?" He was honestly curious. Kathy had always insisted on knowing the sex so she could get all the clothes and supplies she'd need. And he knew Olivia loved to be prepared for everything so he was stumped as to why she was willing to play it by ear with this pregnancy.

Olivia took a sip of water as she decided how to explain her decision. Finally she explained, "Elliot, if you think about it most of the times in our lives when we're surprised it isn't good. Most of the time real surprises leave us hurting." Rubbing her hands over her belly she finished, "But when I have these babies and find out if they are boys or girls I'll be truly surprised in the best way possible."

He'd never thought of it that way, but after a moment he could see her point. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been surprised in a good way. "I like the way you think, Benson."

"About time you realized my reasoning abilities are better than yours."

"Ha ha."

Despite the many, many months of silence between them they fell back into their friendly banter rather easily. Both were actually surprised they lost track of time and their waitress returned with their food before either realized that fifteen minutes had passed without one pause in the conversation. As Olivia dug into her lunch with relish Elliot let his gaze trail over her features. She was glowing with motherhood and looked happier than he'd seen her in years.

Taking a bite of his broccoli and beef he thought, '_Could I mess that up for her? She just started her first real stable relationship and I don't want to be the cause for it all falling apart, even if it makes me jealous as hell to see her with a man not me. But … but what if Fin is right? What if things only get worse from here on out? What if things get so bad that Olivia walks away, transfers for good to another unit, or worse, another precinct? Fuck, what if she moves? Could I handle that? Could I handle losing her completely?_'

He knew the answer to that. If he lost Olivia for good he'd completely fall apart. He wouldn't be able to function without her. Hell, he was barely functioning now, but if Olivia were to leave him he would be a man destroyed. Watching as Olivia took another bite of her food he thought about what would happen if he did ask Kathy for a divorce. He knew she would fight him every step of the way. It would take months, perhaps even years to get everything settled, but what if Fin was right? What if he could get through a divorce with Kathy without losing his kids? '_Would Liv be with me if I wasn't married? Would she leave Mark to be with me? Could we have a relationship?_'

His eyes glanced down to her belly as he thought, '_We might never be able to have our own kids, but at least I'd have her. I could help her raise the twins and when Eli came over on my weekends they could play together. They could grow up together like real siblings. And it's not like I'd try and keep Mark from being with them as often as possible. I wouldn't try to take his place as their father. I'd never do that, but I could still be a part of their life. And maybe … maybe if the divorce happens quickly enough Olivia and I could have a kid of our own. She's not too old. Or maybe we could get one of her eggs frozen or something._'

Realizing he was getting way ahead of himself Elliot forced his thoughts to the more imminent problems he faced. '_But just last night Kathy made it clear that she didn't want a divorce, would fight against it, and really, even if I initiate it I have no guarantee Olivia would leave Mark._'

Elliot thought about talking to Olivia about initiating a divorce, feeling her out to see if she'd split with Mark if he was free, but he knew that would be a bad idea. Olivia had fought harder than anyone for his marriage. She'd always been there to assure Kathy that nothing was going on between them, that he was busy at work and would be home as soon as possible, that he loved his family more than anything. No, he knew if Olivia thought for a second he was thinking of getting a divorce because of her she'd leave the country. She would never want to hurt his family that way.

'_No, if I get a divorce it needs to be for me and my family. It needs to be because it's the best thing for all of us. I need to decide if Kathy and I can really coexist for the rest of our lives like we are. I need to figure out if our home is really as toxic as everyone says it is, if it really is a home that Eli should be growing up in. Maureen, Kathleen, and the twins are all pretty much grown. The twins will be seniors next year and in college after that. Besides they spend less and less time around the house as it is. Eli is the only one that really needs a lot of looking after. I hate the idea of him growing up with divorced parents, being shuffled back and forth, but is it really better for him to grow up in a home with parents that can't stand each other? Will it be better for Eli to grow up in a house with tense silences and so much resentment it stifles him?_'

Elliot didn't want that for his son either. He knew that Maureen already suspected that he and Kathy only got married because Kathy was pregnant with her, she'd even dropped a hint or two that she'd done the math on her own since she was born a short five months after the wedding, but they'd never actually talked about it. He was pretty sure Dickie knew too, but it was one of those unspoken problems in his house that no one brought up. He didn't want things between him and Kathy to get so bad that when Eli was older he picked up on the animosity between them and blamed himself for his parents unhealthy marriage.

'_But what if I put my family through the divorce, what if I truly turn Kathy into my enemy, cause a huge rift in my family and it doesn't work out with me and Olivia? What if I give up the only home I've ever known and Olivia refuses to leave Mark? And what about her twins? Should I deprive them of a home with parents that are great friends and get along well? I know Olivia isn't in love with Mark, and he's not in love with her like a husband should be, she told me the situation between them, but I know they'll make great parents together. Do I have the right to interfere with that?_'

He just didn't know. He didn't know what would happen if he pushed through a divorce with Kathy. He didn't know if Fin was right and he'd be able to retain partial custody of his kids. He didn't know if Kathy would hate him forever afterwards. He didn't know if his kids would forgive him. He didn't know if Olivia would be willing to try with him, try for the relationship they both longed for. He didn't know if he'd be hurting Eli and Olivia's twins if they did decide to leave their partners and try together. He just didn't know.

And most importantly he knew he couldn't base the choice to leave Kathy on Olivia. Yes, she was a major factor. He was madly in love with her. She was his soul mate, and he desperately wanted to be her man … but that couldn't be the reason he left Kathy. Not only would it not be fair to Kathy and his kids to leave the marriage he'd put so many years into for another woman, but it wouldn't be fair to Olivia. In any way you looked at it if he left Kathy so he could be with Olivia it would make her the other woman. Even if they had never done anything the principal was the same. No, if he left Kathy it needed to be because it was the best choice for him, for her, and for their kids. If he left his marriage of over twenty years it needed to be because the marriage was doing more harm than good to everyone involved. Everything with Olivia would have to be handled separately and afterwards.

'_But maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting a divorce? Speak to an attorney about what my chances are of Kathy getting full custody? Because as much as I want to be with Olivia if a divorce with Kathy would mean I'd never get to see Eli I can't do it. The other kids are old enough to decide if they want to come see me if I move out or not, but Eli isn't. If the lawyer tells me that Kathy could easily get sole custody there's nothing I can do. And if he says she won't be able to? Well then I need to really sit down and evaluate what my marriage with Kathy is costing our family._'

Across the table Olivia swallowed the latest bite of her sesame chicken as she looked at Elliot. He had a very intense expression on his face and she wondered what he was thinking so hard about. "Is something wrong," she finally asked.

Shaking himself out of his thoughts Elliot nodded at Olivia and replied, "No, nothing's wrong. Just thinking."

"Can I ask what? You looked like you were trying to solve all the problems of the world."

Elliot was silent a moment, holding Olivia's gaze, before he mumbled, "Not the world's, just mine."

"El …."

Not wanting to upset Olivia, especially since he had absolutely no answers to any of the problems he faced, Elliot assured, "It's ok, Liv. Really. Let's just enjoy our lunch. It's been too long since we've gone out like this, just hung out like friends. I'm having a good time and don't want to do anything to ruin it."

Nodding her head, Olivia agreed. "Yeah, you're right. I've missed this too. So why don't you tell me about Kathleen? I can't believe she's graduating early! She's come so far so fast!"

Pleased to be talking about his kids Elliot launched into the tale of how his second daughter really turned her life around after she started her meds. The rest of lunch passed in comfortable camaraderie.

…

…

…

Two weeks later Elliot left the office of the lawyer he'd made an appointment with to discuss the possibility of a divorce. He had contacted the man the day after his lunch with Liv and explained his situation. The lawyer had said he'd need some details about finances and his and Kathy's work schedule as well as the relationship with their kids. Luckily Elliot still had his copies of the last divorce proceedings and all the paperwork that had been involved in it. He'd dropped it all off and given the Lawyer time to review the information, but when it had come time to schedule an appointment to go over his options he'd had to wait. He didn't want anyone to know he was looking into getting a divorce. So he'd waited for a day when he knew Liv had a doctor's appointment and then snuck out on his lunch break.

He hadn't made any solid decisions but had come to the conclusion that it was best for him to hear what the lawyer had to say before he gave serious consideration as to whether or not it would be best to divorce Kathy. In his mind there was no reason to decide to leave his wife if that choice would be made impossible because it would cost him his kids. So other than getting everything the lawyer needed to review the case he'd studiously avoided thoughts of leaving Kathy or trying to build a relationship with Olivia.

Instead he'd done his best to try and repair his friendship with Olivia. They went to lunch together every day and were once again talking and laughing like old friends. He was better able to talk about her twins and upcoming birth without getting upset because Olivia did her best not to mention Mark while discussing her pregnancy with him. That certainly helped. He and Olivia had fallen back into their routine so easily he was shocked. They were once again able to communicate easily with only a few glances. The connection between them was strong again, and they were back to talking about almost anything. The only forbidden topics being Kathy and Mark. Honestly, his time with Olivia at the precinct was the only thing getting him through his days at this point. He loved Eli, and always enjoyed spending time with him, but going back to that house every night was like a daily prison sentence.

At home? At home he and Kathy barely talked. He'd even gone so far as to change the sheets in Maureen's old bedroom and start sleeping in there since his back couldn't take sleeping on the couch anymore, and he couldn't bring himself to sleep in bed with Kathy. The tension between them was growing and everyone in the house was picking up on it. Dinner had turned into a painfully quiet affair, the twins knowing that something was wrong between their parents, and even Eli being uncharacteristically solemn and silent. It was becoming more and more obvious that the problems between Elliot and Kathy were not going to go away. But today he'd met with his lawyer. He'd tried to tell himself that nothing was going to come from this meeting, that his chances of being able to get a divorce and still have his kids was slim to none, because he didn't want to get his hopes up. In the end he'd been rather surprised by the lawyers advice.

First, his lawyer had told him that due to the previous divorce papers where Kathy had admitted he was a good father and provider, and had agreed to open visitation she wouldn't stand much of a chance changing her tune now. Second, he told him that it was very doubtful that the divorce would take years since apparently the only different circumstance they had was Eli. All the other issues, the house, the cars, the money, alimony and whatnot had been decided in the previous agreement. And more than likely the judge would rule that the same custody agreement would suit Eli as with the other kids; two weekends a month and two nights a week. Third, the lawyer made it apparent that since they had literally been at the point of signing the divorce papers before and had tried valiantly again any judge would see that a divorce was coming in their relationship.

Surprisingly the lawyer had mostly good news for him. The only advice the man had offered to him was that he should give some serious consideration to transferring to a unit that didn't demand so much from him. The lawyer had pointed out that by transferring he'd squash any argument that Kathy would make that his job interfered with his parental duties. Elliot's first thought had been to refuse the idea right off the bat, but now, as he left the lawyer's office he thought more on it.

'_He's right, transferring to a new unit would give me more time with my kids. I'd work far fewer hours and I wouldn't be so stressed all the time. Robbery has offered me a position with them numerous times but I never wanted to leave Liv … but if we ever did get together we wouldn't be able to be partners anyways._'

And of course, Elliot knew that despite Olivia's words once the twins were born she wasn't going to want to keep the hours of SVU anymore. She'd hate leaving, but he was willing to stake his life on the fact that Olivia would either transfer to a less demanding unit or would retire early all together. He knew she was rather well off. He'd known about her mother's house, the inheritance and the fact that Olivia made the same amount he supported a large family on and barely spent any of her paycheck, so he'd known she could afford to retire early. Not to mention Mark was apparently loaded and didn't need any financial support from Olivia. She said differently now, but once her twins were born she wasn't going to want to leave them alone for such long hours.

'_So really, separating is on the horizon regardless. Olivia isn't going to want to leave her kids and I need to be in a position to be there for Eli and the other kids since I can't just go see them whenever I want. I can't be cancelling visitation if I get divorced because Kathy would take me to court. Especially since she doesn't want this divorce._'

Getting into the police cruiser he'd borrowed for this meeting Elliot headed back towards the precinct and thought over his options. The lawyer had made it apparent that the chances of him losing his kids weren't high, and that if he got a transfer into a more stable unit they were slim to none. The lawyer had also said that even if Kathy dragged her feet if he was doing his best to push it through it wouldn't take more than a year since they already had a previous divorce agreement on the table. He also suggested that he used his connections to get his divorce case pushed to the top of the docket. That would give him time to find an apartment, get settled, transfer and get used to working in a new department, and most importantly, get things settled with his kids.

Conveniently, if he started the divorce soon Olivia would be on maternity leave and he'd be able to get through the messiest parts of his separation with Kathy while she was away. It wasn't that he wanted to hide it from her, but he didn't want her stressing over it and blaming herself. He wanted, no, he needed to get his personal life squared away before he could even begin thinking of approaching Olivia. Besides, trying to be anything more than a friend to her right after she gave birth would be wrong. '_But when the twins are a little older, when everything settles down, maybe we could try. If she's willing,_' he thought with a small ray of hope.

Now that he'd spoken to the lawyer and found out that a divorce was completely possible he knew deep in his heart it was what he needed to do. He and Kathy were never going to get past this. If he stayed with her he'd come to hate her. His resentment would grow and grow, hell it was already growing by the day. He might not ever get with Olivia, she might have well and truly moved on, be committed to a life with Mark, but he couldn't stay with Kathy. He didn't love her and he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her. He'd rather live alone in his apartment than in a house that felt like a prison with a woman that reminded him daily of all the mistakes he'd made in his life. He just couldn't do it anymore.

Pulling into the station parking lot Elliot decided it was time to take control of his life for once. He'd been reacting and adjusting to the needs of others since Kathy first told him she was pregnant when they were 18. He'd sacrificed time and again for others, and now it was time to start living for him. He'd do right by his children, but he was done being a martyr.

…

…

…

Over the next two months things stayed pretty much the same despite the changes Elliot was preparing for. Olivia and Elliot continued to mend their friendship. They continued going to lunch every day and had even started going to dinner one night a week. Mark didn't mind, even encouraged the outings since once Liv went on maternity leave they wouldn't see much of one another. Kathy was another matter, but Elliot refused to let her bitterness affect his time with Olivia. Elliot felt slightly guilty about hiding everything he was doing to change his life from his partner, but told himself he was going to talk to her about it all once the dust settled so it wasn't like he was really lying. And he was truly making changes.

First, he'd officially hired the lawyer and told him to draw up the divorce papers and his initial offer for custody and alimony. He seriously doubted Kathy would accept them or any attempt on his part at mediation, and more than likely they'd end up in divorce court, so he was doing his best to prepare for that. He wanted the papers ready the moment he was ready to serve them. He was planning to serve them to Kathy when Olivia had her twins. That way she would be on maternity leave while everything was happening. She'd be far removed from the chaos of his life and wouldn't be stressed or hurt by it. He intended to visit her and the twins often, but he didn't want to bring his troubles to Olivia's door. They had both already agreed that he'd come for dinner and maybe to watch a game at least once a week while she was on leave so she wouldn't go stir crazy.

Second, he'd contacted the couple he'd sublet his apartment to the week after talking to his lawyer. He'd never gotten rid of the apartment. Maybe he'd known subconsciously he'd need it again one day. He'd called them up and told them he was getting divorced and would need the apartment in two months. They had been very friendly about the whole thing and thanked him for the advance notice. Luckily they'd been planning to move into their own house and agreed to vacate a few weeks before the deadline, giving him time to prepare it for himself.

Third, he'd put in for a delayed transfer. He'd spoken to Cragen about it and explained the situation. He'd told Don that he was planning to serve Kathy with divorce papers in a few months and wanted to be working in a unit that allowed him more time with his kids so she couldn't fight him on custody. Cragen had looked at him skeptically and asked if Olivia knew, his underlying meaning clear, and Elliot had assured Don that this wasn't about Liv. This was about him doing the right thing for once. Elliot had told his Captain that he had no intention of vacating Liv's life but that he wanted to have a more stable personal life so he could be a better friend to her.

He'd made it apparent that he didn't want to transfer until Olivia was on maternity leave so he'd have time to get settled at his new unit. Cragen had said he understood, speculating that he had his own doubts as to whether or not Olivia would return once the twins were born. In any case Cragen had promised to keep the transfer quiet. Thankfully robbery still had an opening and agreed to wait until he was ready to transfer. He'd thought about talking to his colleagues about not saying anything to Olivia, but figured it would be best to wait until the time for the transfer actually came and they found out as well.

He was getting his ducks in a row you could say, but by far the most important thing he'd done in the last two months was his conversation with Mark. It hadn't been easy to call the other man up and ask him to meet somewhere, but he'd done it. It had been a hard conversation but one he'd needed to have. Somehow he'd convinced Mark to keep it from Olivia that he was asking to meet with him.

Flashback:

_Mark entered the bar and shook off the snow that had accumulated in his hair and on his jacket. Scanning around for Elliot he finally found the other man sitting alone in a booth in the back, nursing a beer. Making his way over he took his coat off and slid in as he said, "Sorry I'm late. I couldn't get a cab."_

_"That's fine," Elliot replied while picking at the label of his beer. "So what did you tell Liv you were doing tonight?"_

_"I told her I was meeting a friend. I hate lying to her so I hope we don't come to blows."_

_Elliot laughed at Mark's small attempt at lightening the tension between them. This was the first time they'd seen one another since the shower a month before, and Elliot was glad the man had actually agreed to meet with him. He wasn't sure how this conversation was going to go, but he was hoping to accomplish something with it. Still picking at his label he commented, "I guess you're wondering why I asked you here, huh?"_

_"Not really. The only thing we have in common is Olivia so I assume this about her."_

_"You're right."_

_When Elliot didn't say anything anymore, Mark prodded, "So are you going to start or are we going to sit here?"_

_Elliot appreciated the fact that Mark didn't beat around the bush, that he was so straightforward. Clearing his throat he announced, "I'm going to divorce Kathy."_

_Mark's eyes widened and he repeated, "You and Kathy have decided to split?"_

_Shaking his head, Elliot explained, "She doesn't know yet. I'm just getting everything ready. I already talked to a lawyer, lined up a place for me to live once I serve her with the papers, and have put in for a transfer into a unit that will give me more time with my kids so Kathy can't try to steam roll me on custody."_

_Mark didn't know what to say. He rolled Elliot's words around before he asked, "I'm taking it that Olivia doesn't know about any of this?"_

_"No, she doesn't, and I don't plan on her to until after she gets off maternity leave."_

_"And now you're here to ask me to step aside once you tell her."_

_Elliot stared at Mark. Neither one spoke and after a long, tense silence Elliot finally relented, "Basically." Taking another drink he began, "Look, I know I have no right to ask this from you, and I have no right interfering in Liv's life now when she's finally taking some happiness for herself, but I need to know."_

_"Know what?" _

_"I need to know if Liv and I can have it all. We love each other, but we've never once been able to act upon it, and I need a chance to see where we'd go." _

_Mark watched Elliot take another sip and remarked, "So you are leaving your wife for a chance to be with Olivia?"_

_Shaking his head, Elliot explained, "My divorce isn't about Olivia. I'm not doing it for her. I'm leaving Kathy because I can't stand living that lie anymore. That's why I don't want Olivia involved in it. I want to tell her about it after it's a done deal. When the papers are signed and me, Kathy, and the kids have a chance to get used to the new living arrangements. I don't want to dump any of that on her while she's getting used to being a mom. But after the dust settles? I … I need a chance, and I'm asking for you to give it to me."_

_When Mark remained silent Elliot continued, "Olivia told me about Cindy. She told me about your wife and how you two loved each other. Olivia explained the situation between you two, and I'm hoping that you can understand why I'm asking this from you. If I thought you two were really in love I wouldn't have asked you here, but I know that you two are really just great friends. So … Look, I know I have no right, and I know it's not fair to break up the family you and Liv are building, but I need this … and I think Liv needs it too. We both deserve a chance where the 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens' don't plague us for the rest of our lives."_

_Forcing himself to hold Mark's gaze, Elliot finished, "I don't know you well, and I know I haven't made things easy on you since you came back into Liv's life, but I'm doing the best I can. I've been in love with Liv for years, and I'm man enough to admit that it was my inability to move on, to stop lying to myself and everyone around me about the truth of my marriage, that has landed us all in this position. I know I deserve all the misery I've caused myself with my decisions, and I know I'm not good enough for Liv, but I can't let go. I can't let her go, and I can't stop wanting her for myself. Needing her really. And I don't think she can let go either. We—we both need a chance. Again, I know I have no right to ask this, but when the time is right I'm asking you to give us that chance."_

_"When the time is right?"_

_"Yeah. I have to get all my shit straightened out before I can talk to Liv about any of this. I don't want her thinking I left Kathy for a chance at being with her. She'd never forgive me for making her the other woman. Do I want to be with Liv? More than anything, but she's not the reason my marriage has to come to an end. That's on me, it's for me, and really, for my family. Kathy and I don't work anymore, haven't for a long time, and I never should have gone home just because she got pregnant. I made the same mistake twice and hurt Liv doing it. So I'm doing my best to fix all the problems in my life, and when I've cleaned my shit up I want to talk to Liv and see if she'll give me a chance … so I'm asking you for that opportunity."_

_Mark had told himself ever since he'd started this whole thing with Liv that this could one day be a possibility, but he was surprised at how saddened and fearful he was now that it was really happening. Did he love Olivia like a husband should? No, but he was happy with her. Their friendship was the foundation of their relationship instead of love like most couples. They worked well together and sex was really more of an afterthought. What was between them was more about comfort and companionship than passion and love. He was glad he'd come back, and even happier that he was going to have these children to fill the void in his life, but he wasn't happy that the new life he'd built himself was in danger of falling apart so soon._

_With this in mind he told Elliot, "We're about to have twins, we bought a house together, we're building a life together and you want me to just walk away from all of it so you can see whether or not you and Liv can work?"_

_Hearing the accusing tone of Mark's words, Elliot winced but agreed, "I know it makes me a selfish prick, but basically yeah. And I'm not asking you to walk away. You're the father to these twins and one of Liv's best friends. You couldn't walk away if you wanted to, but I'm asking you to step aside when it comes to Olivia. I'd never try to take your kids away from you, but I love Olivia, and not being with her is killing me."_

_"Funny how it only started killing you when she wasn't all alone anymore. You were fine with the distance as long as she had no one else. You were fine with everything when you were able to go home every night to a wife and kids and she went home to nothing … but now she's doing her best to be happy and you want everything to change."_

_Silence. _

_As Elliot simply stared at him Mark refused to back down. He didn't know why he was so angry right now. He'd already decided that when and if Elliot approached Olivia he would step aside, just as he'd promised her from the start. He loved Olivia enough as a friend to want her to have the same chance at happiness with Elliot that he'd had with Cindy. He knew that Elliot and Olivia belonged together, but that didn't stop him from being mad at the man for putting Olivia through hell for so many years._

_Elliot couldn't deny Mark's words and after letting the silence stretch between them for as long as he could he finally admitted, "You're right. I was an ass. A cowardly, selfish, thoughtless, ass. I hurt everyone with my bad choices and I don't have the right to ask any of this of you, but I have to try. I'm fixing the mess that is my marriage because I'm not doing anyone any favors by staying married to Kathy. We're going to end up hating each other if we stay married and I don't want Eli growing up in a house like that. And I know that I don't deserve a chance with Liv, but I'm hoping that you're a better man than me and will give it to me anyway."_

_Mark took in Elliot's pleading expression and realized what it was costing the man in front of him to meet him here like this, to beg him to let Olivia go, and some of his anger dissipated. Folding his hands atop the table Mark asked, "Are you going to tell Olivia you're transferring? You know that will kill her, right?"_

_"I think she'll actually be grateful. I think both of us have only stayed in SVU as long as we have because of each other. I used to think that SVU was in my blood, that it was the only work I wanted to do, but I've realized that was wrong. I've stayed so long, been so determined to stay because of her, and I'm pretty sure that it's the same for Liv. Leaving the unit meant we couldn't be partners anymore, and that was the only way we could be together, the only way we could be a part of each other's lives. Once the twins are born I seriously doubt she's going to want to keep SVU hours and miss so much time with them. If I'm gone I'm fairly certain she'll either transfer or retire and not feel so guilty about it."_

_Mark wasn't surprised by that statement. Olivia had actually brought up transferring or retiring a time or two as she advanced in her pregnancy. The more real being a mother became to her the more determined she was to excel at it. She didn't want her children growing up with a mother that was hardly ever there, but Olivia had also told him that she didn't know if she could stop being Elliot's partner._

_When Mark didn't contradict him, Elliot pointed out, "And if we do start a relationship we wouldn't be allowed to be partners anyway. In the end I think it's just time for the both of us to move on from SVU. We've put in more years in this unit than anyone else ever has. We've done our part, sacrificed more of ourselves than most people ever will, and now it's time for us to pass the torch. It's time for someone else to fight those monsters. Liv and I deserve to rest, we deserve to be happy."_

_Elliot's eyes were practically begging him, and Mark knew that this wasn't some spur of the moment decision the other man had made. He had obviously done some serious soul searching over the past few months. So while Mark wasn't exactly happy that the family he'd finally found was going to change so drastically and suddenly on him, he couldn't blame Elliot. As he'd told Olivia his first day back, he'd do anything for another chance with Cindy, so he couldn't deprive her and Elliot of their chance. Besides, regardless of what happened between him and Olivia, they'd have the twins. He wouldn't be alone even if he did step aside so that Stabler could have his chance._

_With that in mind Mark said, "Get your shit figured out, Stabler. Get your divorce and work things through with your kids. Give me and Liv some time to figure out how to be parents and all the changes it brings, and when you're ready you talk to her. I told her from the beginning if there was ever a time you two would have a chance I'd step aside. You figure out your life and have something to offer Liv and I'll do what's best for her. If she decides she wants to try with you that's her choice."_

_He said nothing else. Elliot watched as Mark got up and left the bar. The small spark of hope that had been building in his chest since he first spoke to the lawyer exploded bright and hot in his chest. He knew he still had huge mountains to climb before he'd be able to call Liv his own and finally have what his heart so desperately wanted, but he was well on his way._

End Flashback:

So that's how Elliot came to be counting down the days to Olivia's due date. Not only was he anxious for Olivia to go into labor so that they could all finally learn whether she was having boys or girls, but he was ready to serve Kathy with the papers. He had everything ready. The couple renting his apartment had left two weeks earlier and he'd already decorated the apartment with furniture from Ikea. That had been hard because he had to do it without anyone noticing so he'd go by after work for about an hour and worked slowly to get it habitable. He'd burned through almost all the money he'd been saving for a motorcycle paying for the lawyer and getting his apartment ready, but it was money well spent in his opinion.

Elliot knew that the coming months were not going to be easy, but he was truly excited to finally be taking control for once. He was looking forward to starting this next stage of his life, and more importantly that he was the one initiating it. His whole life he'd based his decisions on everyone else, and for once he was doing the right thing for him. And really, the right thing for his family. He knew Kathy was going to fight it, to deny the truth, but the fact of the matter was that their marriage was over. She was scared of being alone and holding onto him for no other reason than that. He was a little scared too, but he knew this was the right decision. It was time for both of them to let go of the familiar because they were afraid of the unknown.

Every day he sat across from Liv he thought about all the changes they were both going to be going through. She was going to be a mom, something he knew she'd wanted for such a long time. She was going to breastfeed and change diapers and figure out that sometimes babies cry just for the sake of crying. She was going to learn what it was like to love someone else so unconditionally, so completely and selflessly, that everything she ever thought was important suddenly became secondary. She was finally going to understand what it meant to be a parent, and he was happy for her. He couldn't wait to see her holding her babies for the first time.

And him? He was going to be embarking on a whole new life as well. While he was hopeful that he'd have a chance with Olivia after his personal life calmed down from the storm he was about to stir up, he knew he couldn't count on it. He'd told himself from the beginning that his decision to leave Kathy couldn't be based on Olivia. If his marriage came to an end it had to be because it was the best thing for his family, and that was the truth he'd come to realize. He and Kathy didn't work anymore, and they hadn't for a long time.

No, his leaving wasn't about Olivia. It was about doing the best thing for his kids, and Kathy. She was clinging to him now, but what good was it doing? They hardly ever talked and when they did it almost always ended up in a shouting match. Everyone in their family walked on eggshells in the house and it just wasn't healthy. Everyone was suffering and Elliot knew it was time to move on. He was better prepared this time. He knew that living alone wouldn't be easy, but it would be better than the way he was living now.

Besides once he transferred he'd have a lot more free time to spend with his kids and would hardly ever work a weekend anymore. He'd be able to be there for his kids, and even Kathy if she needed help, but what's more they could all work towards being happy again. It was just time for everyone to move on. He was fairly certain that Maureen was going to adjust well to the divorce, but he didn't know about the other kids. The twins probably wouldn't be surprised since they had seen the fast and gruesome decline in their parents' relationship, and knew better than the others that he and Kathy just couldn't make it work anymore. Mainly it was Kathleen he was worried about. She was always the wild card and he didn't want this divorce to get her off track.

In the end the best he could hope for was that they'd all come through this better. Hopefully his older kids realized that he and Kathy had gone about as far as they could and the divorce would make things better for everyone. And Eli? He hoped the new hours he'd be working would allow him a better relationship with his youngest child and that he and Kathy would find a middle ground so they could at least be civil. Now, sitting across from Olivia, he just couldn't wait for the future. He was ready to move forward in life. Whether it took him to a relationship with Olivia or they simply remained friends he would at least no longer be living a lie.

Across from Elliot Olivia noticed her partners soft smile and couldn't help but ask, "What's with you lately? You've been in such a good mood the past couple of weeks. Are—uh—are things better at home?"

Despite the fact their friendship had gotten back on track they still didn't talk about his marriage or home life beyond his kids. Elliot wanted to contradict her, tell her it was only here at work that he was in a better mood, he wanted to tell her his improved spirits were because he was finally doing the right thing concerning his marriage, he wanted to tell her he was happier because no, things weren't better at home, and that's why he was leaving, but he couldn't. He fully intended to discuss his divorce and new living arrangements with Olivia once everything settled down, but for now he didn't want to unload his problems on her. He wanted her to be able to bask in motherhood while he figured out his life. Later, when she was used to being a mother and his marriage was finally put to rest he'd talk to her.

Not yet ready to tell his partner the full truth yet, Elliot replied, "Things at home are the same as they've always been. I'm just excited for you. You're due any day now."

Olivia sensed that Elliot was holding something back from her, and she was pretty sure it had to do with his home situation, but she decided not to push. She knew that Elliot wasn't happy with Kathy, and she knew he was stressed about the situation, but until he was ready to talk to her about it she figured it would be best to let it alone.

Instead she rubbed a hand over her bulging belly and commented, "I'm excited too. Eager not to be fat anymore. I miss seeing my feet."

Elliot laughed. "How many times do I have to tell you, Liv? You're not fat. Being pregnant is different than being fat."

"Says the guy who doesn't have to lug this stomach around all day."

"Well soon you'll be lugging around two babies. Enjoy the silence while you can because you'll never hear it again once they're born."

"Trying to scare me, Stabler?"

"Nope, just letting you know that quiet time is a thing of the past."

"I'm ready for it."

"I'm sure you are." Truthfully Elliot had absolutely no doubt that Olivia was going to make a great mother. He knew that her children would always come first for her, and he was really and truly excited for her. He couldn't wait to see her holding her children.

They both went back to doing their paperwork. Over the next few hours Olivia felt an increasing pain in her lower back but she didn't think much of it. It was only when she went to the bathroom and saw some bloody mucus, which she knew from her pregnancy books could be a sign of her going into labor, did she start to worry. She considered the fact that she'd been having pains for a few hours and now the mucus discharge made her think she was going into labor. She'd already had several bouts of Braxton Hicks at home with Mark which made for some embarrassing trips to the hospital where she'd only been told she needed to go home and wait for real labor, so she wanted to make sure this time. The pains she was having in her back weren't so bothersome she was distracted, and she wasn't having any stomach pains, so she decided to wait and see. Finishing in the bathroom she made her way back to her desk and eased down into her chair with a small grunt of pain.

Elliot watched her slow progress and obviously noticed her expression of pain. "You alright?"

Olivia tried to smile reassuringly. "Just some back pains. I'm alright."

Elliot studied her features carefully. He'd noticed her discomfort over the last few hours and said, "If you need to leave early I don't think Cragen would mind."

Shaking her head, Olivia replied, "No. I'm going to be gone soon enough. I want to get as much work in as I can." What she didn't say was that she wasn't sure she was going to be coming back at all. She'd been trying to discreetly get as many of her files finished so that if she did decide she couldn't come back to SVU whoever replaced her wouldn't be scrambling to finish what she didn't.

It wasn't that she didn't want to come back, but the fact was the hours at SVU were horrible. She knew the kind of strain it had caused Elliot and his family and she didn't want that for her family. Not only that but she didn't want to be an absentee mom. She didn't want to spend 8 to 12 hours a day away from her newborn babies. She'd spoken to Mark about it at length and was really starting to give some consideration to early retirement. She had more than enough money on her own to live off of until her 401K kicked in, but she doubted she'd need it. And of course Mark had even more money than she did, so either way her children would be well cared for.

She'd been looking into jobs she could work that wouldn't keep her away from her children for long, and there was a security specialist job she not only qualified for but that the company was more than eager to hire her for. She'd only have to go in a few days a week and the rest of her work she could do at home on her computer. She'd already done a phone interview, and the company was aware of her pregnancy and desire to go on maternity leave for five months after the twins were born. The security specialist she was supposed to replace was retiring once he found his successor. The company had said that she could come in for a face to face interview in a month after the twins were born and the man she was replacing could decide if she would work out. If he liked her then she'd work a few weeks with him after getting off maternity leave before taking over the job entirely. And if they didn't hire her? She would more than likely retire.

Now, sitting across from Elliot, Olivia wondered how she was going to tell Elliot about her decision. She was so afraid of hurting him more than she already had, but she just couldn't come back to SVU after the twins were born. She wanted to be a better mother than Serena. She _needed_ to be a better mother than Serena. Olivia knew that she'd promised Elliot she'd come back after she had the twins, but that was no longer a promise she could keep. She was hoping that Elliot would understand her need to leave SVU behind, and more importantly, she hoped that he would know it didn't mean she was leaving him behind.

'_If anything, the past few months have proven that we can be friends despite everything. We've gotten back to the way things used to be and are even spending more time together as friends than we used to. He'll have to know that when I leave SVU I'll be doing it for my kids, and not because I don't want to work with him. He'll have to know that I still want him in my life as my friend_,' Olivia thought desperately.

Olivia's thoughts were interrupted when a sharp pain tore across her stomach and she gasped, "Ahh!"

Eyes shooting up to his partner across the way Elliot asked, "You ok?"

As the pain died away Olivia decided that even if this was another bout of Braxton Hicks that would have her once again leaving the hospital in embarrassment she was still going to go. Better safe than sorry. Worrying her lip she looked around to make sure no one was watching and then whispered to her partner, "Don't make a big scene or anything, El, but I think I should go to the hospital. My back has been hurting all day, I had some bloody discharge earlier, and I think I'm having contractions."

Elliot, knowing that Olivia wouldn't want everyone making a fuss over her, and knowing about her Braxton Hicks episodes, quietly replied, "Ok, let's get ready to leave and we'll head out. I'm going to tell Cragen that you're tired and I'm taking you home."

Nodding her head Olivia started putting her files away and shutting down her computer as Elliot did the same. While she got up to get her coat and bag Elliot made his way into Cragen's office and said, "Cap, Liv's not feeling all that great. I'm going to take her home if that's all right with you."

Don eyed Elliot critically. He knew the other man was lying to him because he'd been watching Olivia from his office all day. He'd seen her wince more than once and figured that she was having contractions and didn't want to alert anyone to that fact. She hated being the center of attention. He knew if she was going into labor he'd get a phone call from her, Mark, or Elliot at some point to announce the arrival of the twins. Instead of calling either of his detectives on it, Cragen simply said, "That's fine. There are only a few hours left in the day anyway. You go ahead and take the rest of the afternoon off as well. See you guys tomorrow."

"Thanks, Cap."

As Elliot turned from the doorway, Cragen called out, "And Elliot?"

Turning back around Elliot arched a brow and asked, "Yeah?"

"Tell Liv I said good luck. I'll be waiting to hear if they're boys or girls."

Shaking his head Elliot laughed, "I don't even know why I try."

"Neither do I. Go on now, and remember to keep us updated."

"We will." Elliot made his way to his desk to grab his keys. Olivia was ready and standing in front of hers waiting for him. "Ready to go?"

"Oh yeah." Turning to look at Fin, Munch, and Wallace she said, "Bye guys. We're going to head out early."

"Alright, Liv, see you tomorrow," Fin replied as Munch and Wallace added their goodbyes.

A few moments later Elliot was helping Olivia into the car. As he helped to lower her down into the seat she gasped again and he asked, "Are you ok?"

Olivia's eyes were wide and worried as she replied, "It's only been 6 minutes since the last one. I think this is really it."

As his partner did her seatbelt Elliot shut the door for her and jogged around to his side to get in. Once he was ready to go he questioned, "Do you want to call Mark?"

Shaking her head, Olivia answered, "Not yet. He's had to leave Hudson twice already for false alarms. Let's get to the hospital and have it confirmed that I'm going into labor first, then we'll call him."

"Alright."

The ride to the hospital took about 25 minutes and in that time Olivia had three more contractions. Elliot didn't say it, but he was fairly certain that not only was Olivia in labor, but she was farther along than she was probably expecting. Part of him thought that he should call Mark and let the other man know what was going on, but the other part of him, the larger part, didn't want to. He knew that once Mark showed up he would no longer be able to stay at Olivia's side. That would be Mark's place, so he wanted to have as much time with her as he could. And since Olivia hadn't mentioned calling Mark he decided it wasn't his responsibility.

It didn't take them long to be taken to a room once they got to the hospital. The nurses quickly hooked Liv up to several monitors and Elliot was asked to leave the room while they checked to see how far along she was, or even is she was in labor. The five minutes he spent out in the hall were some of the most stressful he'd ever endured, and when the door opened and the nurse asked him inside he nearly bowled her over to get to Liv's side. Her eyes immediately sought his and he knew something was wrong, she was terrified, her eyes were filled with terror.

"Liv, what's wrong?"

As Elliot took her hand to hold, Olivia explained. "They said I am in labor, but I have to have an emergency C-section."

The doctor on call jumped in and continued, "We don't have time to wait for Miss Benson's regular doctor. The fetal heart monitor shows that the twins are beginning to show signs of stress, and due to the high risk of this pregnancy I don't think we should wait to see if it gets better, or possibly worse. I've advised Miss Benson that we do an emergency c-section right away. We can have her in surgery in ten minutes. She just needs to sign the forms."

Still holding Liv's hand, Elliot pressed, "Are they in danger? Liv or the babies?"

Shaking his head, the doctor explained, "Not especially, not at the moment at least, but I don't want to take any chances. Due to Miss Benson's age and the fact this is her first pregnancy and it is very high risk I think it best to err on the side of caution."

Looking back at Olivia the doctor said, "I'm going to get the forms for you to sign. We should get you into surgery as soon as possible. The nurses will begin prepping you for surgery." Not knowing that Elliot wasn't the father, he added, "And you'll need to be prepped as well so that you don't contaminate the surgical area. The nurses will provide you with scrubs. I'll see you two in a moment."

While the doctor left Olivia turned scared and worried eyes to Elliot as she said, "We've got to call Mark! Elliot, call Mark and tell him to hurry."

Elliot felt guilt coil deep in his stomach as he voiced the truth Olivia probably didn't want to acknowledge. "Liv, I'm going to call him but you know he won't make it. Even if he were to leave Hudson now and there was no traffic it would still take him over an hour to get here. And from what the doctor said you really shouldn't try to wait for him. He'd want you and the twins to be safe.

Liv experienced another contraction as the nurses hurried around her, prepping her for surgery. When the contraction was done Elliot took a deep breath and offered, "You shouldn't be in there alone, Liv. If it won't make you uncomfortable I'll stay with you."

Olivia bit her lip worriedly. She was cursing herself for not calling Mark sooner, but Elliot was right, she couldn't wait for him to get here. She also didn't want to be alone during her c-section. With that in mind she said, "You're right, I shouldn't wait. Can you call Mark and tell him I'm sorry and to get here as soon as he can, and it would mean a lot to me if you could be in there for me. Don't tell anyone but I'm scared."

Elliot smiled. "Badass Benson afraid? Never. Your secret is safe with me. I'm just going to step into the hall and call Mark then get changed into some scrubs." Stroking her fingers softly he promised, "Everything's going to be just fine."

"You promise?"

Raising her hand he kissed her fingers. "Promise. I'll be right back."

Stepping into the hall Elliot scrolled through his contacts until he found Mark's cell number and called him.

"Hello?"

Clearing his throat, Elliot explained, "Mark, hey man. This is Elliot. I'm here at the hospital with Olivia and you need to get here fast. The doctor said she has to have an emergency c-section. I'm going to go in with her, but she wants you to get here as soon as possible."

"Holy shit! Is she alright? The twins?"

"The doctor said that it's not dangerous right now, but the twins are showing signs of stress and since this was such a high risk pregnancy he wants to err on the side of caution."

"Shit. Uh—okay. I'm headed that way now. Tell Olivia I love her and I'll see her soon."

"Sure." Slipping his phone back in his pocket Elliot stepped back inside and asked the nurse what he needed to do to get ready.

Less than ten minutes later Elliot stood in scrubs holding Olivia's hand as the nurses hurried about them getting her ready for her emergency c-section. She was holding tightly to his hand and staring up at him worriedly, so he hurried to assure her. "Remember, Liv, they said this was just a precaution. They're just doing the c-section to prevent anything from going wrong. The nurses just told you that there hasn't been any change in the twin's status."

"But they're still showing signs of stress, El." Olivia was scared. She'd made it through her entire pregnancy without any problems, and now she was scared. Very scared.

Moving his hand to stroke her brow, Elliot leaned closer to her as he promised, "It's all going to be ok, Liv. I know it. And deep down you know it too."

Before Olivia could respond the doctor told them it was time to begin. Elliot didn't know if he'd be able to watch his partner, the love of his life, the woman that completed him in every way, be cut open, but when the procedure started? He hadn't been able to look away. Neither had Olivia.

It all seemed to happen so quickly, and yet in slow motion. Within moments the doctors and nurses had Olivia's bulging stomach spread open and were pulling the first child out.

"First one's a boy!" The doctor was holding the baby boy up as he asked Elliot, "Would you like to cut the cord?"

Elliot's eyes widened in shock. He desperately wanted to cut the cord. He wanted to be a part of this. He wanted to be a part of these children's lives, but he didn't know if Olivia would be comfortable with it. Turning to look at her, he asked hesitantly, "Liv?"

Olivia didn't need to think twice. While Elliot was not the father, and she would never wish a different father than Mark for her twins, in a way she wanted this. She wanted Elliot to be able to share in her joy of being a mother at long last. "Please, El."

Needing no further encouragement Elliot reached out hesitantly to take the surgical scissors one of the nurses handed to him, and as he had with four of his five children, he cut the cord tying mother and child. He was in awe and didn't even feel as one nurse quickly retrieved the baby to begin cleaning him up, and another took the now contaminated scissors. Elliot felt like a light was bursting inside him. Unnamed emotions threatened to overwhelm him as the doctor announced it was time to deliver the second baby. Reaching down to hold Liv's hand again they both watched together as the doctor and nurses pulled the second child from Liv's womb.

"You've got a girl!"

There was no question this time. When the second pair of scissors was offered to him Elliot took them without pause, completely unaware of the tears streaming down his own face, as he cut the umbilical cord while Olivia's daughter let out a healthy and outraged cry at being so abruptly brought into the world.

While another nurse retrieved the second twin to be cleaned up as the doctors and nurses set about closing Olivia up, Elliot leaned down to cup her face in his hands gently. Leaning his forehead against hers as they both shed happy tears, he whispered, "You're a mommy now, Liv. You're a mommy, and you're going to be so good at it. They're perfect, just like you, and they're going to be two of the luckiest kids in the world to have a mother like you."

Olivia was practically sobbing now. Her babies were fine. They were fine, and Elliot was here with her. Everything was right in her world. "Oh, El!"

They simply stared into each other's eyes for a moment, letting their emotions shine brightly in their gazes, before Elliot suddenly leaned down and kissed her lips softly. When he pulled back Olivia was saved from having to say anything as the two nurses holding her children came to stand beside her so she could see them.

"Here you go, Mommy. Two precious bundles of joy!"

Olivia turned her eyes to her children and reached out a shaky hand to stroke her finger along their cheeks. "They're perfect." And they were. At a little over six pounds apiece, both children obviously resembled their mother with slightly olive colored skin and tufts of dark hair adorning their heads. They were indeed perfect.

"Well, the doctors are going to get you stitched up while we take these little guys down to the nursery for a quick bath. Do you have names picked out for them yet to go on their bracelets and charts? Or should we just put your name?"

Shaking her head, ignoring the doctors and nurses working to stitch her up from the c-section, Olivia said, "We haven't decided on names yet. Just go ahead and put my name." Turning to look at Elliot she asked, "Will you stay with them? Please? I don't want them to be alone."

Elliot didn't want Olivia to be alone either, but he figured the adrenaline of the situation and the pain medication they'd given her would kick in soon and she'd probably sleep for awhile anyway. Besides, he'd been in her shoes before, and he knew what it felt like to want your children protected every step of the way. "Of course, Liv. I'll stay with them and talk to Mark when he gets here. We'll all see you as soon as they've got you fixed up."

"Thank you, El. For everything."

Elliot leaned down and kissed Olivia's forehead gently as he stroked her hair. "Always, Liv. You know that. Now I'm going to keep an eye on your twins, make sure they aren't giving the nurses hell."

"You do that. Keep an eye out for Mark."

"I will." Elliot squeezed her hand one last time before following the nurses out of the surgery room.

…

…

…

Forty-five minutes later Elliot was standing at the nursery window gazing at Olivia's twins. "The Benson Babies" the nurses were calling them. Since Olivia and Mark weren't married and no names had been decided yet, the twins were listed under Olivia's name. He couldn't stop staring at them. He knew they were Mark's children, but when he looked at them all he saw was Olivia. Her stubborn chin, soft skin, and dark hair. All of it. He hadn't seen the twins eyes yet, but he hoped that they had their mother's eyes as well. It wasn't that he didn't want to see any of Mark in them, it was that he wanted to see Olivia more.

He knew she'd always hated her looks. She'd hated her exotic beauty. Hated her satin skin, silky auburn hair, and dark midnight eyes. She'd hated her looks because they were reminders of how she was born of rape. Olivia's mother had been fair skinned, blue eyed, and blonde. Nothing like Olivia. So every time Olivia looked in the mirror all she saw was the darkness she thought she had inside her. He knew these babies would change that. He hoped that in sharing so much of their mother's looks Olivia would come to understand that people were who they chose to be, and she was no more a monster than he was. He wanted her to look at her children and see love and perfection. The very things he saw when he looked at her. So yes, Elliot hoped the twins had her eyes along with all the other physical traits they'd obviously inherited from her.

"Elliot!"

At the sound of his name, Elliot turned to see Mark rushing towards him down the hallway. The man was clearly in a state, and Elliot rushed to assure him, "She's fine, and the twins are fine. They are just closing her up now and the nurses said they'll be moving her into a room in a few minutes. They'll come get the babies and us when she's there."

Mark skidded to a halt at Elliot's side and released a thankful sigh at the news. All the nurses at the first desk had been able to tell him was that the twins had been successfully delivered and Olivia was still in surgery. "Oh thank God!"

Elliot grinned at the man, clapped him on the shoulder, pointed, and said, "Take a look. Liv said you guys hadn't picked out any names, so the nurses have been calling them the 'Benson Babies' for the time being."

Looking through the window where Elliot was pointing, Mark gazed at the twins he and Olivia had been so excited about. He took in the pink and blue bonnets the babies were wearing, and whispered, "One of each. Oh my God, we had one of each! A boy and a girl!"

Knowing how the other man felt, the awe, the incredible amount of love seeing one's children for the first time brought about, Elliot agreed, "Yeah, man, one of each. You and Liv did good. Real good."

"They look just like her."

"I know."

"I like that." Just like Elliot, Mark knew that Olivia had always hated the way she looked. Seeing the physical traits of a rapist in her appearance instead of the loving and beautiful woman that she was. And just like Elliot he hoped that from now on when Olivia saw herself in the mirror she saw the woman that had given birth to such two perfect, and beautiful children. "She deserves this."

"I was thinking the same thing." Elliot was glad that Mark had the same thoughts about the twins appearance that he had.

Still not looking away from the twins, Mark asked, "The c-section went ok, right? No complications? The twins weren't in any real danger?"

Also keeping his gaze on the twins, Elliot answered, "No. Like I said on the phone, the twins were never in any real danger, the doctors just wanted to play it safe. The c-section was textbook perfect. Olivia is fine."

A short while later a nurse told them that Olivia was in her room and ready to see her twins before she went into the nursery to get the babies. Moments later everyone entered the room to see Olivia propped up in bed. She looked tired, but radiant. The nurse moved the dual crib beside the bed before telling them to ring for a nurse if they wanted the children returned to the nursery. After checking Olivia's vitals she left the room.

"Olivia!" Mark rushed to her side at the bed and just as Elliot had earlier, cupped her face in his hands, and kissed her lips softly. "You did it, Livvy, you did it. They're beautiful, you're beautiful."

Setting her hand atop his cheek, Olivia whispered, "I'm so sorry I didn't call you earlier, I just didn't want to have another false alarm. I—I'm sorry, Mark. You should have been there. It's all my fault."

"Shh, shh, don't worry about that now. It's not important. What is important is that you and the twins are ok. That's all that matters."

Elliot shifted uncomfortably across the room. The twins were asleep and Olivia and Mark seemed to be in their own world, and he was once more hit with the fact that his place was not at Olivia's side. That was Mark's place. For now. He was glad he'd been able to be there for Olivia during her c-section, and while he was jealous that Mark was here now, he couldn't begrudge the man this time with his family. With that in mind he cleared his throat and announced, "Uh, I'm going to head down to the gift shop and give you guys a few minutes. Gotta call the guys and let them know what's up."

Olivia looked away from Mark and gave Elliot a thankful smile. She really appreciated all he'd done for her, and while she didn't exactly want him to leave, she did want some time alone with Mark and the twins so they could bond as a family. She already felt bad enough that he'd missed the birth. "Thanks, El, and try not to buy too much, ok?"

"No promises." Looking back and forth between Olivia and Mark he added, "Congratulations, both of you."

When Elliot was gone Olivia looked up at Mark and asked, "Are you really not mad that you weren't there?"

"No, Olivia, I'm not mad. You couldn't have known you were going to need an emergency c-section, especially since you're pregnancy has gone so beautifully before now. It's not your fault, and I don't want you worrying about it anymore. That will make me mad."

Laughing, Olivia replied, "Well then I guess I'd better drop it."

"Yep."

"Wanna hold them?"

"Will you think me less of a father if I admit I'm a little scared too?"

Smiling sheepishly as she replied, "Would you think me less of a mother if I admit that I am as well?"

"All that practice in our classes with those dolls, and I still feel totally unprepared for this." Mark approached the crib slowly as he asked, "Which one do you want to hold?"

"Doesn't really matter since you know we're just going to end up switching anyways," Liv replied.

"Well then I'll let you hold him, and I'll hold her. Then we'll switch."

"Sounds good."

Olivia watched as Mark slowly lifted their son from the crib, cradled him to his chest, kissed the top of his head, and then moved to her side. They both moved as though they were handling the most delicate glass as Mark shifted the tiny boy into her arms where she too cradled him to her chest. Moments later Mark was sitting in the chair beside her bed holding their body and they simply sat in silence staring down at their little miracles. Finally, Olivia announced, "We did good, Mark. They're going to grow up safe and loved, and we're going to make sure they never suffer like we did."

Looking up to meet Olivia's gaze, Mark promised, "Damn right we are. Their going to have everything we only dreamed about. No drunk mothers."

"Or abusive fathers."

"There will be Christmases."

"And no forgotten birthdays."

"Learning to ride a bike."

"Family vacations."

"Wonderful childhoods, Liv. They are going to have wonderful childhoods. We'll make sure of it."

Olivia looked down at her son and asked, "So what do you think we should name them? We haven't really discussed it before, but I guess it's time."

"Well I have an idea for one first name, and one middle name."

"Ok, what are they?"

"Well, since we already agreed they'd have my last name, I was wondering if you were on board with his first name being Benson, and her middle name being Benson?"

Olivia looked down at the little boy she was holding safely against her chest and whispered, "Would you like that, handsome? Would you like to be Benson Thompson? Has kind of a nice ring to it, doesn't it?" Looking up at Mark, she said, "I think that would be perfect, and uh I actually have two names picked out too."

Arching a brow, Mark asked, "And they are?"

Smiling softly, Olivia said, "I wanted his middle name to be Donald in honor of—"

"Your surrogate father. I think it's perfect, Liv. Just perfect. So we have Benson Donald Thompson, and our daughter's first name?"

"Dawn."

"Dawn?"

Nodding her head, Olivia explained, "It's a new day for us, Mark. A new beginning. Everything we've gone through, everything we've suffered and lost, has led us to this moment. I just thought it fit."

Looking down at his daughter, Mark said, "Well hello there Dawn Benson Thompson."

"They're good names, Mark."

Smiling at his friend turned lover, Mark agreed, "Perfect names for perfect children."

…

…

…

A little over an hour later Elliot made his way into the hospital room with Cragen. As it wasn't five yet no one else had been able to take off work, but all wanted him to assure Olivia they'd be by to see the babies as soon as they could get off. Elliot had two ballons in pink and blue welcoming the two new babies to the world, and two stuffed bears, again in pink and blue. Cragen also came bearing gifts, with an entire bouquet of pink and blue balloons he'd picked up on the way, a large flower arrangement, and a new baby book and picture frame.

Entering Olivia's room they found her in bed feeding her daughter from a bottle while Mark sat beside her in a chair feeding their son a bottle. Since Olivia had a c-section and been under anesthesia and morphine she'd need to wait at least twelve hours before she breast fed the babies.

"Hey, Liv," Elliot greeted as he pushed his way awkwardly into the room with his arms full.

Looking up at her partner Olivia smiled, and teased, "What did I tell you about buying out the whole store?"

"Hey now, Cragen brought way more than me. Scold him," Elliot deflected.

Cragen shouldered past his detective and defended himself admirably. "I'm the honorary grandfather, it's not only expected, but my responsibility to spoil them. What's your excuse?"

Turning his gaze to Olivia, Cragen smiled brightly and said, "You looked beautiful, Olivia. Just beautiful."

"Liar," Olivia laughed.

"So, are you going to introduce us to your two little bundles of joy?" Elliot asked as he came to stand next to Cragen on the other side of Olivia's bed.

Her smiling widening, Olivia announced, "This little girl is Dawn Benson Thompson."

"And this handsome man is Benson Donald Thompson," Mark added.

Cragen's eyes misted at the honor bestowed upon him and said, "Those are wonderful names, guys."

"Yeah," Elliot agreed.

"We'd let you hold them," Mark offered, "but they just started eating, and we don't want to disturb them."

"Oh, I can understand that," Elliot laughed.

Gazing down at the little girl Olivia was holding, Cragen explained, "I couldn't let the guys off early, Liv, they were wrapping up with a suspect and testimony, but they promised that they'll be by just as soon as they can."

"Oh, that's alright," Olivia assured. "I understand how it is. I'll look forward to seeing them when they get here, but I wouldn't mind a bit of rest either. Now that things are starting to wind down I'm starting to feel tired."

"Just starting," Mark joked.

"Quiet you."

Elliot and Cragen moved to put their balloons in the corner, the bears on the window ledge along with Cragen's flowers as the Captain told Olivia, "I hope you like the album and frame I picked."

Olivia said, "I'm sure they're fine. Thank you for going to all the trouble."

"It was no trouble, Liv. You know that." When Olivia looked back down at her daughter Cragen asked, "So how's it feel to be a new mommy?"

Olivia's smile lit the room. "It feels wonderful, and that's not just the morphine talking either."

Everyone laughed, and Elliot added, "I'm sure it's not."

The room fell silent after that. The only sounds being that of the twins as they suckled noisily at their bottles. When they were done and Olivia and Mark had burped them it was finally time for Elliot and Don to get to hold the two new additions to their inner circle.

After some careful shuffling Elliot stood holding Dawn while Don held Ben. For Elliot everything else seemed to fade away as he stared down into the dark midnight eyes of Dawn Benson Thompson, Olivia Benson's daughter. Seeing the eyes of the mother in the daughter made his heart swell. He was barely holding back tears as he whispered, "She's beautiful, Liv, and her name really fits her."

"Thank you." Olivia could see how drastically Elliot was affected in this moment, and her heart warmed to know that he would always be there for her children, no matter what. Just as she'd always done her best to help and protect his children, she knew that Elliot Stabler would defend hers just as viciously. It was a good feeling.

Beside Elliot Cragen looked down at Olivia's son and said, "You look just like your mother, little man. You and your sister are going to break a lot of hears some day."

"He might," Mark interjected. "But she's going to become a nun, or a hermit. Either way, there will be no boys until I'm dead and buried."

Elliot raised his eyes from Dawn and laughed, "Good luck with that, Mark. I said the same thing when all my girl's were born. Then my arch enemy hit, your arch enemy now too."

"And what arch enemy would that be," Mark asked?

"Puberty. The downfall of many a father," Elliot explained. "As soon as your daughter hits puberty it's all about makeup, short skirts, and doing her best to drive you into an early grave. Trust me. It's either move to Siberia now, or make peace with the fact that there will be boys circling her like a shark, just waiting for you to turn your back or drop your guard."

Rolling her eyes, Olivia scoffed, "It won't be that bad."

Mark ignored her and said, "I expect you to slip me some notes on all your best moves, Stabler. Never hurts to be prepared."

"I'll get started on it tonight," Elliot promised.

"Guys! She's still in diapers for goodness sake! I don't think either of you needs to be trading notes on how to make sure she dies a virgin just yet," Olivia laughed, clearly amused.

Don, in all seriousness, commented, "Olivia, it never hurts to hit the ground running. I for one intend to make sure Mark knows all the best sites to run a quick background check. And of course we need to get him registered to carry a gun as soon as possible. Nothing scares an adolescent boy more than a father that knows how to shoot a Gloc 9mm."

Again everyone laughed as Elliot and Cragen gently rocked the babies to sleep in their arms. For the next few hours they all talked and laughed like old friends. Everyone taking turns on holding the twins. Through it all Olivia laid in bed and counted her blessings. She'd never been so happy or felt so fulfilled in all her life, and she finally understand what it meant to be a family. She was a mother, and she had people in her life that would do anything for her and her children, just as she would them. Yes, she was happy.

…

…

…

Later that night Elliot walked into the house. He'd stayed at the hospital far later than anyone else, and after that he'd gone back to the precinct to finish up the work he had missed during the day by leaving early with Liv. He'd also made the appropriate calls to officially transfer from SVU into Robbery/Homicide. He'd have the rest of the week and next to finish up his open cases, and then he'd no longer be working in SVU. He'd also finally told the others, save Olivia, and explained his reasons. They all understood and promised not to tell Olivia about his decision so that he could do it on his own.

The rest of the unit had shown up to pay their respects to Liv and the twins after work ended, and by the time everyone left Olivia's hospital room was filled to the brim with balloons, flowers, stuffed animals, and other gifts. She and the twins barely fit in there, but Elliot thought it proved just how much Olivia was cared about and valued by those that knew her. In his opinion she deserved it.

Walking into the kitchen he pulled leftovers from the fridge and began throwing himself a quick meal together. After a few minutes he was sitting down at the kitchen table to eat some reheated lasagna when the living room light came on and Kathy made her way into the kitchen. He looked up and met her gaze with a question in his eyes since it was obvious she wanted to talk.

Kathy leaned against the kitchen doorway, watching her husband eat for a few moments before remarking, "I called your cell phone several times and you never answered so I called the precinct to see if you were going to come home tonight. Some officer told me that you'd taken Olivia to the hospital, that she'd had her twins."

Elliot didn't know where she was going with this, so simply said, "Yeah. She was having pains all day and this afternoon she went into labor. She ended up having to have a c-section. I stayed with her since Mark wasn't going to make it in time."

Kathy's eyes widened marginally before narrowing. "You were in the birthing room with her?"

"No, I was in the surgery room with her when she had her stomach cut open. It was an emergency c-section, Kathy, Mark couldn't make it and she was scared. No way was I going to leave her alone to go through all of that."

"So it had nothing to do with the fact you wished those twins were yours instead of Mark's? That didn't play any role in you holding Olivia's hand through it all? Or you spending damn near all day at the hospital since?"

Taking a deep breath to calm himself, Elliot sighed, "Kathy, let's not fight. Olivia's my partner and best friend. She needed me, and I was going to be there for her no matter what."

Kathy stared at her husband for a moment before asking, "So I guess I can expect you to be spending every spare moment at the hospital with her, and of course you'll be over at her house when she goes home just dying to offer a _helping hand_, right?"

"Kathy, don't start."

"What? It's the truth, isn't it?"

"Kathy," Elliot said in warning.

"No, Elliot! NO! I'm tired of this! I'm tired of living this way! Olivia is with Mark! She just had twin babies with him! She moved on, Elliot! She finally accepted the fact that you were mine, and that you two were _never_ going to be together and Goddammit!, it's time for you to do the same thing!"

Moving into the kitchen Kathy fisted her hands at her sides as she faced off against her husband. She no longer cared how loud she got. She didn't care if the kids woke up, or if the neighbors heard. For months she'd been living with a shadow of a husband. Elliot had moved into Maureen's room and practically left her. He was barely ever home, and when he was he only interacted with her if absolutely necessary, and usually only for the benefit of the kids. She knew he only came home for their children, that he couldn't stand to be around her because she wasn't his precious Olivia, and she was tired of it! She was his wife! His wife! And it was time he remembered that.

"It's time for this shit to end, Elliot. Olivia moved on. She's built a life for herself that doesn't include you, and it's time for you to get over your petty infatuation with her! I don't give a damn if 'your heart belongs to her' as you said, or any of that other crap! I'm your wife! The mother of your five children!"

She was on a roll. Months of pent up anger and bitterness just spilled out of her. "Olivia is not yours and you are not hers! You're mine! My husband! Your home is here with me, and hers is with Mark and those twins! I'm tired of living this way, Elliot, and I'm not going to put up with it anymore! I am your wife, this is your home, and you!, you are my husband! It's damn well time you started acting like it! This shit ends now, Elliot! Do you hear me?"

With each word Kathy had screamed at him Elliot felt a cold calm overtake him. As her anger built he only became more serene as he realized she was right. It was time for this shit to end. When she came to the end of her tirade he stood from the table and said, "Wait here, I need to get something from my room. I'll be right back."

As Elliot stalked by her Kathy spun around and looked after him in shock. "You're leaving? What the hell, Elliot? We need to talk about this!"

From the doorway, Elliot turned around and said, "We are going to talk about it. I told you to wait here. I'll be right back."

"Elliot, we—"

"Wait, Kathy. It will only take me a second."

When he disappeared upstairs Kathy let out a frustrated sigh and sank into one of the kitchen chairs. She hadn't meant to blow up like that, but really, she was at her breaking point. She had hoped that as Olivia progressed in her pregnancy, as Olivia continued to build her life with Mark, a life that didn't truly hold a place for Elliot, her husband would realize it was time to let his infatuation with his partner go. She needed for him to let it go. She needed her husband back because she just didn't know how to live without him.

Moments later Elliot returned from upstairs and dropped a large manila envelope in front of her and Kathy's breath caught. Her heart froze and she felt a cold knot of fear build in her stomach. "What is this?"

"Divorce papers."

Elliot grabbed a chair and moved it so he could sit right in front of Kathy. Leaning towards her with his arms resting on his knees, he began, "You're right, Kathy, it's time for this to end. It's long past time. We're not happy anymore, haven't been for a good long while, and we can't keep doing this. It's time to be done."

She didn't touch the envelope. She couldn't. Turning her gaze from it to look at her husband of 25 years she said, "You can't do this. We agreed. You promised."

Elliot knew this was going to be a hard conversation, and he reminded himself that no matter what he needed to keep his cool. Kathy was going to be scared and hurt by this, and he needed to be sensitive to that. "We did, but I can't keep that promise. I don't love you, Kathy. We were kids when we got married and we only stayed married because it was the expected and comfortable thing to do. We never should have gotten back together just because you got pregnant with Eli. We don't fit anymore, if we ever did, and us trying to force this marriage to work isn't helping anyone. We're going to end up hating each other. If we keep up this farce we're going to end up hating and hurting each other, and hurting our kids. I don't want to do that. I don't want that for me, for you, or for our family. It's over, Kathy."

Tears built in her eyes as Kathy begged, "Elliot, please don't do this. We can make this work. We've done it before, and we can do it again. Please, let's just—"

"Kathy, no. There's nothing you can say to change my mind about this. I'm done. I can't live this lie anymore. I can't stay married to you when I don't love you. I can't—"

"Because you love Olivia? Because you want to be with her? Is that what this is about? Are you leaving me for her?"

Shaking his head, Elliot replied, "No. I'm not. I can honestly say this isn't about Olivia. This is about me and you. This is about what is best for our family."

Angrily brushing the tears from her cheeks, Kathy hissed, "Don't you fucking lie to me!"

"I'm not lying, Kathy. This isn't about Olivia. Do I love her? Of course, but you know that. As you pointed out months ago, everyone knows that, but this isn't about her. This is about the fact you and I don't work anymore. This is about the fact we sleep in separate rooms. This is about—"

"You did that, Elliot," Kathy cried. "You moved out of our bedroom! I didn't ask you to, and I didn't want you to! I've asked you to move back into our room! I want to make things work!"

"I don't, Kathy."

Elliot's own eyes filled with tears. As unhappy as he was with Kathy, he didn't like hurting her like this. As much as they fought and made each other miserable, she was the woman he'd spent more than half his life with. She was the woman who had born him five beautiful children and helped him raise them. At one time he thought he would spend the rest of his life with her, and it hurt him to be saying these things to her. Even if they were true.

Reaching out to take her hand, Elliot held his wife's gaze and continued, "Kathy, we don't belong together, and staying together just because we're scared of the unknown isn't good. Our house is filled with tense and angry silences instead of love and laughter. The twins stay over at friends more and more to avoid being around us, and even Eli knows something isn't right."

"Because you refuse to fight for this marriage!"

"Because I have no fight left in me for this marriage."

_Silence_.

Kathy looked at her husband. She looked deep into his eyes and saw only grim determination, and acceptance. Elliot had given up on them. He had given up on her. He was done fighting for something he hadn't wanted in a long time. If she wanted to save her marriage she'd have to fight for both of them.

Moving to envelope his hand with both of hers, she pleaded, "Elliot, please don't do this. I know things haven't been good between us for awhile, but we can fix it. You feel tired and worn down because of everything. I know how hard work is on you, and I haven't been making it easy for you here at home. It's not our marriage that is tiring you out, it's our marriage combined with your job, and—and everything else."

They both knew what everything else was. Olivia. The situation with Olivia had hit him hard, and everyone knew it.

Tears slipped down her cheeks as she promised, "I'll stop. I'll stop nagging you about your job. I won't ask you to transfer anymore, or bitch about your hours. I promise. I'll leave you alone about it and make sure our home life is peaceful from now on. I swear it."

Gently pulling his hand from hers, Elliot countered, "Kathy, it's not my job or Olivia that has me calling it quits. It's the fact that when I look at you I see a beautiful woman, a strong woman, but not a woman I love. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I don't want to live, sleep, eat, or make love with you. I love you because I've spent over half of my life with you. I love you because you're the mother of my children, but it's a platonic love. A familial love. You will always be family to me, but I can no longer call you wife. I don't feel that way for you anymore, and no amount of trying is going to make me. I'm done, Kathy, _we're done_."

Kathy fell silent. Every word he'd said was like a dagger in her heart. She felt like she was shattering. Like every part of her was breaking apart to fall to the floor. She couldn't comprehend Elliot's words, his calm in the face of her agony. All she knew was that he was trying to leave her, and she couldn't let him. She was terrified of being alone.

"Elliot, you can't leave me. You just can't."

"I have to, Kathy."

"I—I need you."

"No you don't. You're just scared, but it will pass."

She was openly sobbing now. "Elliot, please don't do this! Don't walk away from me! Don't walk away from our family! Our home!"

He hated making her cry, but this needed to happen. "I'd never walk away from our kids, Kathy. I'll always be here for them, and just because I'm divorcing you doesn't mean I won't help you if you need it."

Suddenly turning angry, Kathy dropped his hand and hissed, "I'll fight you! I swear I will, Elliot! If you leave me I'll fight you every step of the way in this divorce! I'll sue for sole custody! Just see if I don't!"

Shakign his head sadly, and praying that her words were in angry and that their divorce wouldn't turn bitter, Elliot replied, "I hope it doesn't come to that, Kathy. I really do, but if you want to turn this into a war know I'm prepared."

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

Sitting back in his chair when Kathy crossed her arms angrily over her chest, protecting herself and building herself up for a fight, Elliot explained, "I already have a furnished apartment, and I turned in my transfer papers today. I'm finishing up my open cases and then moving to Robbery/homicide by the end of next week. My hours will be 9 to 5, just like any other working Joe. I'll be calling my lawyer in the morning to tell him I've served you with the papers and to officially start the divorce proceedings. He's prepared to file a petition for an emergency custody hearing if you try to keep me from seeing Eli while we go through the divorce. According to the law all our other children are old enough to decide if and when they want to visit with me, but Eli isn't. I've made sure you won't be able to keep me from seeing him if you decide to make this into a war."

She was literally shaking in rage now. Anger mounting to all new levels. "You son of a bitch! You've been planning this for months, haven't you?"

"Yes. I realized I couldn't do this anymore, and I took the steps to correct this mistake. I was worried you'd make this a nasty divorce, though it doesn't need to be one, so I wanted to be prepared."

"And what? You were waiting for Olivia to have her kids? Waiting for her not to be pregnant so you could make a move on her?"

Shaking his head, Elliot responded, "Kathy, don't do this. Don't sink to this level. Our marriage hasn't ended because of Olivia, it's ended because we're not in love anymore. It's as simple as that."

"Because you're in love with Olivia."

Elliot was silent for a moment before agreeing, "Yes, I'm in love with Olivia, but I've been in love with Olivia for years, and that hasn't split us up before. I'm finally calling it quits because living this lie, being your husband, is sucking the life out of me. If I spend the rest of my life alone I still wouldn't be as miserable as I am now."

Kathy pulled back as though he'd struck her as she let out a shocked gasp. "Elliot, how can—how …."

As her words trailed off, Elliot added, "I don't say these things to hurt you, Kathy. I'm saying them because the sad fact is they are true. This marriage is killing my soul. Living this lie is killing me. I just can't do it anymore. I can't come into the house and pretend I want to be here. I can't kiss you and pretend I'm in love with you anymore. I—I just can't. It has to be done, Kathy. I have to be done."

As pain filled tears slipped down her cheeks Kathy stared into her husband's eyes. His own tears slipped silently down his cheeks while holding her gaze. Seeing the truth of his words there, she finally broke down and whispered, "Just go. Get out. I—just leave. I can't even look at you right now."

Elliot stood and said, "I'm going to grab some things out of my room and then I'll go, but, Kathy?" When she refused to look at him and merely hung her head and continued to cry, he said softly, "No matter what I want you to know I do love you. I love you for all you've given me and all the years we've spent together. I want you to know if you ever need me I'll be here. I may be divorcing you, but that doesn't mean you can't count on me if you need help. I'm going to be here for our kids, and I really am doing this because I think it's best for all of us."

"Just get the hell out, Elliot."

Elliot moved silently upstairs to gather as many clothes as would fit into his old army bag. He dropped it in the hall and then went into each of his children's rooms to kiss them goodbye. He knew come dawn things were going to be different, and he wasn't sure when he'd see them again. When he was done he got his bag and headed back downstairs. Kathy was still sitting at the kitchen table crying, and despite his need to comfort her, to let her know that everything was going to be ok, he didn't go to her. It was no longer his place.

Standing in the doorway he said, "I'm sorry, Kathy. I'm sorry it's come to this, but it's all going to be ok. You'll see. When the dust settles and we all have time to adjust, you'll see that I was right and this is the best for everyone."

Kathy waited until he left before she whispered to the stillness around her, "The best for who, Elliot? The best for who?"

Outside Elliot slid into his Jeep and felt the heavy oppressive yoke he'd been walking around with for years lift from his neck and shoulders. Despite the fear he had that Kathy would make their divorce a bitter one, that their kids would get caught in the crosshairs, he felt free. He felt free and he felt hopeful. He started the car and headed into the city, headed towards a new path in life, a path he'd set out on of his own choice for the first time in life. Elliot Stabler drove away from the house in Queens feeling like a new man. The past was the past and he was looking towards his future, whatever it may be.


	6. Chapter 6

This chapter was longer, but there is a definite breaking point in it, and I felt like the second half took away from the impact of the first half. So I cut it. I'll post the second half some time next week.

This website doesn't post full links, so I had to space it out. Just take the spaces out and you'll see the pictures.

Elliot's living room/kitchen:

: / / 4 . bp . blogspot -w20JHZtk61s / Tah54YYc0RI / AAAAAAAABkY / ff2-AedmDu0 / s1600 / luxury%2Bapartment%2Bin%2Bthailand%2Bbangkok4 . jpg

Elliot's bedroom:

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Kid's bedroom:

: / / images . vrbo vrbo / images / 36d765

Chapter 6

The next day Kathy Stabler made her way determinedly down the hall of the hospital Olivia was located. She'd had to make a number of phone calls to find out just what hospital Olivia had given birth at, but once she'd found it she'd had Lizzy stay with Eli and immediately gotten in her car. She was not about to give up her husband, _her family_, without a fight. Being the intelligent woman she was Kathy Stabler knew her fight began and ended with Olivia Benson.

It wasn't that she hated Olivia, she just hated what Olivia was to Elliot. She despised the intense connection they shared, and the feelings they held for one another. However in this instance she planned to make us of the bond and hold Olivia had with her husband to make sure he came home where he belonged. Elliot may be in love with Olivia, but he'd fallen in love with her long after he'd made vows to Kathy and their family, and if she couldn't get her husband to see that he couldn't leave her, then Olivia was going to have to help her.

Kathy knew that while Olivia loved Elliot just as much as he did her, the woman respected the fact that he was married, and would never come between him and his wedding vows. Never try to break up his family and ruin their lives just so she could be happy. So Kathy needed to tell Olivia that Elliot was trying to leave her so that he could talk his partner into leaving Mark and make a new family with him instead. Olivia would see all the problems there were with Elliot's plan, she knew once she explained it to the new mother, Olivia would have the same feelings about it all that she had. It was simply absurd! Absurd and wrong, and Olivia was going to have to help her convince Elliot of that.

After Elliot had left last night Kathy had cried for a good hour before taking some aspirin for her headache and curling up into bed. She'd hugged Elliot's pillow to her chest and then lain there wondering how her life had degenerated into the mess she found herself in. She was 43 years old, almost 44. She had five children with the man she'd married right out of high school and her youngest son was not even five yet. How was she supposed to start all over? How was she supposed to learn to live alone? She'd tried it during the first separation and realized quickly that an unhappy life with Elliot was far better than a lonely life without him. She still believed that once he retired and the stress of his job was taken away, as well as the obscene amount of time he spent with Olivia was no longer a factor, their marriage would get better.

It hadn't taken her long last night to realize she couldn't let Elliot leave her. She just couldn't. She'd been Kathy Stabler, wife of Elliot and mother to his children for too long. She simply didn't know how to be anything else. She didn't know how to live alone, and she knew if her husband left her she'd never find another man to love and take care of who would take care of her in return. Elliot may not love her as a husband should, but as long as his ring was on her finger, as long as his last name was hers, he would always take care of her, always be there for her. It was one of the things she'd always found so admirable about him.

She'd let him walk away from her last night because she'd been so blindsided by his insistence they divorce. She'd literally been too shocked by his level of determination and preparation to do anything more than watch him walk away, but after thinking about it all night, she realized that she simply couldn't let him go. Wouldn't let him go. Elliot may have decided to leave her, but she knew she could get him to change his mind. She just had to remind him that he had a duty to her and their family, she had to remind him that even if he and Olivia were in love it was wrong for them to be together. She needed to remind Elliot of all the reasons they'd gotten married in the first place, and the reasons they'd stayed married.

Besides, she was sure once she spoke to Olivia, and alerted the other woman of what Elliot was planning to do, she'd definitely be on her side. Kathy would just remind Olivia that being a home wrecker wasn't something she would want for herself. She'd remind her husband's partner that if she didn't help her convince Elliot he was making a mistake Olivia would be helping to ruin her children's lives. She'd be depriving little Eli of his home and father during these formative years, and it would definitely drive a wedge between Elliot and his other children. Yes, Kathy was sure that once she reminded Olivia of all the reasons Elliot divorcing her and them possibly getting together would be an unforgiveable thing for either of them to do, the other woman would help her convince Elliot he belonged at home. That it was simply the only thing to do.

Kathy was so focused on getting to Olivia's room she didn't notice Mark rounding the corner of one of the hallways heading that way as well. She was so intent on getting to Olivia to enlist the other woman to help her save her marriage she walked right past the father of Olivia's new twins, but she certainly noticed him when he called out her name.

"Kathy?"

Mark saw Kathy walking past him with an angry and fierce expression and wondered what the hell she was doing here, because Kathy Stabler sure as hell didn't look like she was here to congratulate them on their new bundles of joy. "What are you doing here?"

Turning at the sound of someone calling after her, Kathy recognized Mark and said, "Hello, Mark."

Moving to stand in front of Elliot's wife, Mark repeated his question. "What are you doing here?"

"I—uh, I came to see Olivia."

Mark studied Kathy's expression for a moment before he realized the truth. "Elliot spoke to you."

Kathy's eyes went wide as she stuttered, "W—what?"

"Elliot spoke to you and now you're here to confront Olivia."

She was stunned and silent for a moment before her eyes narrowed. "Has Elliot spoken to you about this?"

"Define 'this'."

"Did he talk to you about his ridiculous idea to divorce me so he can chase after Olivia? Abandon his family and sacred vows just so he can break up your family?"

Mark ignored the bitterness in her tone, and simply said, "Elliot and I have talked about the fact he isn't happy in his life, and has been planning to make some changes."

"And did you tell him he had no right to destroy our family let alone yours just so he could be happy? That he has a duty to me and our kids? That it was wrong for him to try and come between you and Olivia? To try and break up your family, and deprive your children of their father? Did you two talk about any of that?"

Shaking his head, Mark replied, "No we didn't because I don't believe that's what he's doing. Whether you want to admit it or not, Kathy, the problems in your marriage aren't because of Olivia and whatever feelings are between her and Elliot. The problems you and Elliot have are your own, and you shouldn't be trying to project them on to Liv. Nor should you be trying to force your husband to stay with you when he's clearly so very unhappy."

"How dare you sa—"

"I'm not finished!" Mark's tone was hard and his gaze intense as he continued, "Now I don't know why Elliot chose now to bring up his desire to leave you and make a new start, but that was his decision. Whatever happens between the two of you while you work through the divorce is just that, between the two of you! You have no right to come here and try and drag Olivia into this, because I know damn good and well Elliot has no intention of her finding out about it until after the ink is dry on the divorce papers. He told me so himself."

"When exactly did you and my husband talk? And what was said?"

Crossing his arms over his chest, Mark answered, "That's none of your business."

"He's my husband!"

"Then go and ask him these questions."

Kathy's eyes darted to Olivia's room before Mark moved to block her sight. Focusing back on him she said, "Olivia won't want Elliot to leave me for her anymore than I do. If she knew what he was planning she'd do everything in her power to stop it."

"I know she would, but that's not what's happening. From what Elliot told me he isn't leaving you for her. He's leaving you because he doesn't want to be your husband anymore. It's why he doesn't want Liv knowing about his decision to divorce you until everything is finished. He doesn't want her thinking what you're thinking. As much as you may hate to think it, or admit it, Kathy, the truth of the matter is that Elliot is going to divorce you regardless of whether or not he and Liv ever get together. Even if you were to speak to her, which you're not going to, and she were to try and talk him out of it Elliot is still going to divorce you."

She just couldn't believe that. There was no way Elliot would leave her for nothing. He had to be leaving her in order to get with Olivia. It was the only explanation. Despite what her husband had told her the night before, Kathy just couldn't believe he'd rather be alone than with her as Mark was stating. It just couldn't be true. "You're lying."

"No, you're lying to yourself about the state of your marriage, and you're looking for anyone to blame for the situation so you don't have to face the truth, and I'm not going to let that someone be Liv."

Mark truly felt bad for the woman in front of him, but she'd crossed a line in coming here today, and her refusal to leave was only making him angry. "I don't know you, Kathy. I've only met you the one time, but it was enough for even me to see that you and your husband are together for all the wrong reasons. Elliot is doing what he thinks is best for him and your family, and I know the decisions he's making in regard to your marriage has nothing to do with Olivia. It has to do with the fact the reason you two got married in the first place wasn't love, and the reason you two reconciled wasn't because of love. The reason you two got together, and are still together is because you got pregnant, plain and simple, and Elliot is finally accepting the fact that it is no longer a good enough reason to stay with a woman he isn't in love with. And the fact your husband isn't in love with you isn't Liv's fault."

Kathy let out a gasp, but Mark ignored it as he continued, "I understand you're in a difficult position. I understand you're hurt and afraid. I understand this is hard for you, but you have no right coming here the day after Liv gave birth. This is her time. Hers and mine, and you trying to drag your shit into it is a selfish and horrible thing to do. I'd like to think you're just not thinking clearly, that you're so upset by Elliot's decision you can't see how wrong it is for you to be here, that once you calm down you'll realize how inappropriate your presence here is, but regardless I'm telling you to leave."

"I'm not leaving here without speaking to Olivia."

"The hell you're not! I'll drag you out myself if I have to, but more than likely that security officer at the end of the hall will be happy to see you to the door with nothing but a word from me. You have no right to be here, and I won't have you upsetting Olivia. She just gave birth, and you are not going to dampen her happiness in any way."

Kathy was fast losing control as she hissed, "She's helping to ruin my marriage!"

Mark stepped closer to the woman he was fast losing patience with. "No, Kathy, she's not. From what I understand, she's done everything she could to save your marriage, even though it wasn't her job to. Elliot is leaving you because he doesn't love you anymore. He's leaving you because he doesn't want to be married to you anymore. Elliot is the one ending your marriage. Not Olivia. His choices are his own, and you will not try and make Olivia feel bad for something that is between you and Elliot. Especially not today. If you feel the need to bitch and moan to someone you go find him, because I'll be damned if I let you anywhere near Liv."

Pushing aside her hurt at his brutal declarations about her marriage, Kathy asked, "Are you just going to stand aside and let Elliot leave me so he can try and steal Olivia from you? Do you not care at all he's trying to tear your family apart?"

"First, I don't own Olivia, so Elliot couldn't steal her to begin with. Olivia makes her own decisions. Second, my family will always be my family. Regardless of whether Liv and I are together we'll always be friends, and we'll always be parents together. I want what's best for Liv. I don't want her to live a life of unhappiness and regret. If Olivia ever wants to break things off with me because she is no longer happy with our relationship, I will let her go because it will be the right thing to do. I don't feel the need to cling desperately to her just so I can be happy. Nor do I feel the need to try and guilt her into staying with me because I'm afraid of being alone, or jealous, or whatever reason it is you think it's right for you to be here trying to convince another woman to talk your husband into staying with you when he doesn't love you."

Tears filled Kathy's eyes, the tears she'd been fighting back since this conversation began, as she exclaimed, "That's not what I'm doing!"

"Isn't it?"

She had no answer. Elliot had made it clear last night that he didn't love her and didn't want to be with her, but she was so certain he wouldn't have said it if he didn't think Olivia was waiting for him with open arms. That had to be the reason Elliot was ready to walk away from nearly 25 years of marriage. "I'm trying to do what's best for my family!"

"Really? Because to me it seems like you're trying to do what's best for you. In any case it doesn't matter. You are not going to be speaking to Olivia, and I'm going to be alerting the hospital staff that you are not allowed to see her. If I find out that you've come here again I'm going to see about pressing harassment charges, and considering Olivia's a cop I'm betting things will work in her favor."

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Wouldn't I? Olivia is my best friend, the mother of my children, and her happiness is what is important to me. You're trying to ruin it and I'm not going to let you."

Kathy stared hard into Mark's unwavering gaze and realized he really would have her forcibly removed from the building, and have charges pressed against her if she tried to speak with Olivia. Having no choice but to accept the fact she wouldn't be able to speak with her husband's partner, she snapped, "This isn't over!"

"I didn't think it was, but it is for now. As I said before, I hope the reason you're here is because you've temporarily lost your mind in the face of Elliot's decision. I'd like to hope this isn't the type of person you really are. I'd like to think you're not the type of person to come here the day after Liv gave birth to ruin her happiness by burdening her with _your_ problems, but if it is, if you really are this selfish and uncaring towards a woman that has only ever tried to help you and your family, then know I'm watching you. I'm watching you and I'll be here to stop you from doing anything that will hurt my best friend."

Leveling a withering glare at him for his words Kathy spun around and marched back down the hall. Behind her Mark watched her disappear before pulling his phone out of his pocket and scrolling through his address book. When he found the number he wanted he hit send.

"Hello?"

"Elliot, your wife just came by the hospital to try and talk to Olivia."

"What?"

"Yeah. Luckily I intercepted her in the hallway so she didn't get to see Liv, but she's made it apparent she intends to tell Olivia that she's the reason your marriage is breaking up."

"Fuck!"

"My sentiments exactly. I'm calling to tell you that you need to handle that. Liv doesn't need this kind of stress right now. I'm alerting the hospital staff that your wife is not allowed access, but we both know if she's determined to talk to Liv she'll find a way. This is your problem, and you need to fix it."

"I will."

"Good."

Click.

Putting his phone back in his pocket Mark made his way into Olivia's room. She was sitting up in bed nursing Dawn and he put the altercation with Kathy out of his mind as he smiled and greeted, "How are my two favorite girls?"

"Good. What took you so long? I thought you were just going to the nurses desk to see when they were going to come in and show us how to bathe them?"

"I stopped to make a phone call in the hall," Mark replied, unwilling to tell Olivia anything else and ruin her day. Instead he came to stand beside the bed and said, "Tell me everything I missed while I was gone."

"Well Ben needs a diaper change for one, and Dawn waved her little fist in the air when I first started feeding her. That was definitely adorable. And Ben also …"

…

…

…

At his new apartment Elliot ran a hand over his head after Mark hung up on him and whispered, "Damn it, Kathy! What the hell are you thinking!"

He'd known from the start that his wife wasn't going to take his decision to file for divorce lightly, but he hadn't thought she'd try something like this. Going to see Olivia at the hospital? That was just a low blow! Unnecessary and totally unfair to Olivia. He'd made it very apparent to Kathy that Olivia had nothing to do with his decision to call it quits and file for divorce. This was about them. This was about the fact their marriage had run its course, and it was time to throw in the towel. This was about the fact everyone in their family was suffering from the animosity that was only growing between him and his wife.

"Shit," Elliot muttered angrily as he flopped back on his bed and stared at the ceiling. It was Saturday morning and he'd been hoping to sleep in a little after his long day yesterday, and exceptionally long night, but that obviously wasn't going to happen.

After leaving last night he'd figured he'd give Kathy a few days to come to terms with his decision before trying to talk to her again, trying to get her to agree to an amicable divorce so they could all begin to move past this and build new lives. He'd planned on calling his children every night, but he hadn't planned on talking to Kathy about their situation until she'd had time to cool down and realize that he was completely and totally serious about being done. Now that was no longer an option. With hearing from Mark she'd gone to the hospital to tell Liv about everything he had no other choice but to seek her out and try to get her to leave his partner out of this. Taking a steadying breath Elliot picked his phone back up and dialed his wife's number.

"Elliot?"

"Mark just called me."

Silence.

"Kathy?"

"What do you want me to say, Elliot? Do you want me to apologize? Because I won't. I'm trying to save my family, and I'm not going to apologize for that."

Elliot wasn't willing to get into this with her over the phone. "We need to meet."

"I'll be at the house in about 30 minutes. Come over."

"No. Not there. You come here."

"Where?"

"My apartment."

Silence.

In her van Kathy's hand tightened on the steering wheel and she blinked back tears as she repeated, "Your apartment."

Elliot could hear the heartbreak and anger in her tone, and replied gently, "I told you I had one. I don't want to go to the house as you probably have one of the older kids watching Eli. This discussion needs to be between the two of us. I'll give you the address. Come over and we'll talk."

"I don't like this, Elliot."

"I know, and we'll talk about that."

There was a brief pause before Kathy relented, "Fine, give me the address."

Twenty minutes later Kathy was knocking on Elliot's fifth floor apartment. It was in the city to put him much closer to work than their house in Queen's was, and it hadn't been hard for Kathy to realize it was his old apartment from when they were originally separated. When he'd given her the address and she'd realized that he'd never gotten rid of his old apartment she'd felt a stab of pain in her chest. She'd refused to think about what it meant that he'd never gotten rid of it and had instead only rented it out. She simply refused to contemplate what that meant for her marriage.

When Elliot opened the door Kathy immediately said, "I don't want a divorce. We need to work this out."

Elliot didn't respond to that statement as he stood back with the door open and gestured for his wife to come in. "Let's sit down. We have a lot to talk about."

Walking into the apartment Kathy's eyes widened for a fraction of a second as she noticed the interior before they narrowed. Marching past Elliot she took in the living room. The first time they'd separated Elliot's apartment had been a hodgepodge of cheap, secondhand furniture he'd picked up at various estate and garage sales. He'd had what was sure to have been a former college futon, an old beat up coffee table, a small tv, and no rug or accent furniture whatsoever. His kitchen had consisted of a card table and several folding chairs. It had always been obvious that he hadn't considered the space to be his home, that it was just a place for him to sleep and eat until he could patch things up with her. Now?

Now Elliot's living room was done immaculately. Despite how small the space was it was well decorated. There was a soft cream couch along one wall with a large black ottoman serving as a coffee table but could obviously provide extra seating. He had a black entertainment center and a reasonably sized tv with a dvd player and some accompanying dvds. All the furniture was sitting atop a tan area rug with several complimenting accent pieces scattered about. Being a small apartment the kitchen and living room weren't separated, and Elliot's dark wood dining table set matched the living room furniture perfectly. There were even house plants!

Without looking at Elliot who simply stayed by the door, Kathy headed out of the living room to check out the two bedrooms and bathroom the apartment had. She saw the kids room first. Last time the kids room had consisted of a king sized bed shoved into the space with no head board or any accompanying furniture. Again, it had simply been a place for the kids to sleep on the nights they came to visit Elliot. The girls would share the bed and Dickie would sleep on the fold out futon. This time? This time there were two perfectly matched white wood bunk beds set up angled together to provide four individual sleeping spaces. She didn't know where he was planning to put Eli, but there were still four available beds. They had matching comforters with a modern youthful design of bright circles, and there was a matching white wood chest of drawers with a small tv on it with a dvd player. The walls were painted a light blue and the room was inviting and bright, perfect for teenagers and children.

Still paying no attention to her husband who had not moved away from the door, Kathy left the kids room and checked the apartment's only bathroom. When Elliot had last lived here the bathroom had always been nondescript. It had a plain white shower curtain, and a few of the basic bathroom necessities like a toothbrush holder and soap dispenser also in white. Other than the bathroom products that was all that had ever been in here. This time the small space was decorated with a navy blue shower curtain, matching rug, and a complete matching set of bathroom accessories.

Leaving the bathroom Kathy finally opened the door to Elliot's bedroom and a harsh sob escaped her. When she'd first left Elliot years ago and he'd moved in here he'd initially slept on an air mattress on the floor. After the first year he'd upgraded to a cheap full size mattress and box spring set situated on a basic metal frame. His bedding had consisted of a spare set of sheets he'd taken from their house and a cheap tacky orange blanket he'd picked up at some flea market. There had never been an actual bed, and the only other pieces of furniture in the room were two plastic towers of drawers that most people used in craft rooms or garages to separate supplies. Cheap twenty dollar pieces Elliot could pick up anywhere to store what clothes he didn't hang up in the closet. But now?

Now Elliot had a black wood bedroom set. There was a queen size bed slanted at an angle to make room for the dresser and mirror set. On the dresser were several accent bowls that held no doubt held his wallet, keys, watch, phone and other items when he got ready to sleep. There were a few pictures of the kids hanging on the walls and a nightstand next to the bed with his alarm clock and a picture of all the kids. The comforter set was in a soft cream color and he even had a few throw pillows.

Staring at the completely decorated bedroom, Kathy realized that Elliot hadn't been planning to stay at this apartment, he'd actually prepared it to be his _home_. The knowledge at first caused a wave of grief to tear through her before it was replaced with anger. How dare he do this to her? How dare he do this behind her back! Spinning away from the bedroom she stomped back into the living area and hissed, "You bastard!"

Elliot had been married to Kathy long enough to know why she'd been so upset at the sight of his apartment. He'd been married to her long enough to know that when she'd seen what he'd done she would understand the implications of it. Seeing her upset and outrage he reminded himself he was going to need to keep calm as she certainly wasn't going to. Pointing towards the couch he said, "Have a seat, Kathy."

"I'm not sitting on that couch! We're leaving! We're leaving, and we're going to go home and talk about saving _our_ marriage in _our_ home!"

"This is my home, Kathy."

Kathy's eyes widened in shock and pain at the blatant declaration before she exclaimed, "No it's not! Elliot, you can't just throw away everything we've built together like this! You're not thinking clearly!"

Waving his hand to showcase the space around them, Elliot asked, "Does this look like a spur of the moment thing, Kath?"

"Elliot, listen to—"

"Kathy, sit down on the couch or at the table. We're going to talk, and you need to hear what I have to say."

"Elliot, I don't want to ta—"

"_Kathy, sit_."

His tone didn't leave for argument and Kathy finally took up a stiff position on the couch. When she was sitting Elliot moved to sit on the ottoman in front of her and stared into his wife's eyes as he began, "I was never going to tell you this, but you've left me no choice."

Taking a steadying breath, Elliot explained, "Do you remember in the middle of senior year when I got that scholarship to go to college out of state?"

"Yes." She didn't know why he was bringing this up now. High school was so long ago.

"We started dating at the end of our junior year, and when I got the scholarship remember how we started making plans for you to come with me? That we'd get a little apartment off campus and live together? That since you hadn't gotten a scholarship you'd work a few jobs that first year while trying to save up enough money to pay for tuition, as after living in the area for a year you wouldn't have to pay out of state tuition?"

"Yeah, so?"

He didn't want to hurt her. He really didn't. He took no pleasure in having to cause her pain, but what he had to say, she had to hear.

"And do you remember the night you told me you were pregnant?"

Nodding her head, Kathy replied, "Yes. You'd told me that day at school there was something you wanted to talk to me about. You told me you'd pick me up at my house so we could go somewhere to talk."

"That's right, and you told me that you wanted to talk to me about something too."

"Yeah. I'd just found out three days before that I was pregnant and hadn't been able to tell you yet. I knew it would mean we couldn't leave like you wanted us to, that we'd have to stay here and get jobs to take care of the baby, and I was so afraid to tell you."

Elliot could remember that night, and he remembered how nervous Kathy had been when he'd picked her up. It was her fidgeting, and her flighty behavior that had him asking her what she needed to tell him before he'd divulged what he'd wanted to talk to her about. Once she'd told him her news his had no longer been important, and had remained a secret for 25 years. A secret he was now going to have to tell her.

"I remember you being afraid, and it's why I asked you what was wrong. You told me you were pregnant and we spent all night talking about how we were going to handle it, but we never spoke about what it was I had wanted to talk to you about. Did you ever wonder what I had wanted to tell you that night?"

Shrugging, Kathy replied, "I just figured it was more plans for us moving away after the summer was over."

"It wasn't."

Kathy watched as tears filled her husband's eyes and a cold dread filled her. "What was it?"

His heart was beating so fast. He didn't want to tell her this. He really didn't. While he'd said last night that he and Kathy probably wouldn't have gotten married if it hadn't been for Maureen, she certainly didn't know what he was about to tell her.

Bracing himself, Elliot whispered, "I was going to break up with you that night."

Kathy froze. Her heart skipped a beat and static filled her ears as the world seemed to stop. She knew Elliot had pointed out last night how they were too young when they got married, and if she hadn't gotten pregnant they probably would have drifted apart during college, but this? The fact he had been planning to leave her even before all that? She couldn't comprehend it. If she did accept what he was saying it would mean that her entire life was a lie.

Elliot didn't say anything as he watched his wife of 25 years try to process what he'd just told her. He knew he'd just dropped a bomb on her. He knew she'd had no idea whatsoever that for practically the entirety of their senior year he'd been trying to find a way to break it off without hurting her too much. All he could give her in this moment was the time she'd need to process that information.

It took Kathy a good five minutes before she could ask, "You had no intention of taking me with you to college? Of trying to make our relationship work?"

"No. I knew even before I got the scholarship that we weren't going to work out."

"Then why didn't you break up with me before?"

"I didn't want to hurt you. Every time I tried to talk to you about it you'd tell me you loved me, or you'd bring up some dance or school function you couldn't wait for us to go to. You were always talking about how perfect it was I was on the baseball team and you were head cheerleader. You made it seem like us being together was your whole world. You seemed to always be looking forward to something we were supposed to do together, and I just never thought it was the right time. I—I just didn't want to hurt you."

Tears were falling down his cheeks as he continued, "Then you told me you were pregnant, and not only did I know that I had to do the right thing for my child, but I felt like I had to do the right thing for you. I kept thinking how if I had only broken up with you months before when I wanted to you never would have gotten pregnant. I felt like it was all my fault. I knew you hadn't gotten a scholarship to go to college, and your parents didn't have the money to send you anymore than mine had to send me, but I still felt like I'd robbed you of your future. So I married you, abandoned my dreams of college and joined the Marine Corps. I tried to do what was best."

"Oh my God! This can't be happening! This can't be true!"

Her pain filled words broke his heart, but he knew he had to finish it. It was the only way they were going to be able to move on from this. "Kathy, if you hadn't told me that night that you were pregnant with Maureen I would have broken up with you. I married you because I thought it was the right thing to do, and I can't regret it because I love our children. We had some good years. We even had a few great years, but when we got married I wasn't in love with you. I grew to love you in my own way, but I was never in love with you."

Kathy felt her chin quivering as she whispered, "Elliot, please stop."

"No, Kath. I need to say this, and you need to hear it."

Elliot was crying freely now, just as Kathy was, as he carried on despite the pain it was causing them both. "I tried, Kathy. I tried so hard to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I wanted to so much, but I don't and can't. We aren't right for each other. In the beginning it was easy for me to ignore the fact I was with you out of duty alone because I was busy with the Marines, my overseas deployments, and working odd jobs in my off duty time to save money. Then Maureen came and I fell in love with her, I had a daughter I'd do anything for, and tried even harder to be happy as your husband. I didn't want our family to be like the one I grew up a part of. I wanted to give our daughter a happy home life since I'd never had one. For a good long while it was easy to coast. We bought a house, you took care of the kids and kept our home, and I could always look at the good things to take my mind off of how wrong we were for each other."

"Elliot, we aren't wrong for each other."

"Yes we are, Kathy. You don't know me, and I don't really know you. We might know each other's living habits, what kind of foods we each like, each other's favorite colors, but really know each other? Not even a little."

When it looked like Kathy was going to say something, Elliot held up his hand and said, "Let me finish. Kathy, you came from a home with two loving parents, and a brother and sister. A nice, blue collar family that fought over simple things. I didn't. You know I had a bad home life, but you can't even begin to understand it because you have no basis for comparison. Your father never hit you, never beat you. Your mother wasn't so unstable she nearly burnt the house down, or ended up dancing naked in the rain where all the neighbors could see her. You just don't know what it is like to be part of so unstable an environment."

Holding Kathy's gaze, Elliot continued, "And you don't know what it's like to go to war. You don't know what it means to face an enemy and fight them mind, body, and soul. I fought for this country, and now I fight for this city. You can never understand that. You don't know what it's like to take a life. You don't know what it's like to be afraid to die when someone holds a gun to your head. You don't know what it's like to stare into the face of evil, and have to fight to remain sane because of it. You don't know how hard it is for me to keep control of my anger when I'm confronted with a pedophile. You don't know how much I hurt due to the burden of the memories I carry. You can't imagine the nightmares I have far too often, and you don't know how to help me work through my dark episodes. You—Kathy, you just don't know me. You can't know me because the life you've lived, the person you've grown to be, is entirely different than the life I've lived and the person I am. All we've had in common for the past 25 years is the house and the children, and that is not enough to keep a marriage together. Not a healthy one at least. We are in no way compatible, and I'm tired of trying to force myself into a roll I can't fit into."

Kathy's eyes went hard as she countered, "And because Olivia has led a hard life, because she's fought for this city like you do, it makes her a better match for you?"

"This isn't about Olivia, Kathy. I do love her, and I'm not going to lie, I hope one day she and I can be together, but I'm not leaving you for her. Kathy, I'd be leaving you even if she moved away tomorrow and I never saw her again."

"No you wouldn't. You wouldn't throw away our life together, throw away 25 years of marriage unless you thought she'd be there waiting for you."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! You only want to leave me because you don't want Olivia to leave you! You're afraid she'll move away with Mark or something! You were ok with being married to me when she was alone! We were doing fine until Mark showed up and threatened the fucked up relationship you have with her!"

Shaking his head, Elliot replied, "We have been miserable for over a decade, Kathy. It's why you filed for separation in the first place. You knew as well as I do that we don't work."

"We can work! We can fix this if we try!"

"I don't want to try."

"I bet you'd try if Olivia wasn't around!"

Elliot released a tired sigh. "Kathy, my decision to leave isn't because I want to be with Olivia. I've wanted to be with Olivia for years, and we're not together. I've loved her for almost as long as we've been partners and yet I stayed with you. The reason I'm asking for a divorce is because I don't want to be with you anymore. I don't want to try to fix this because when I look at you I'm reminded of every mistake I've made in life. I'm reminded of all the things I've sacrificed. When I look at you I can't force myself to be happy anymore by focusing on the children and the home we've made. Kath, when I look at you all I want to do is leave."

Kathy gasped and jerked back from Elliot in shock as pain lanced through her. "E—Elliot! How—why—I—I …"

As her words trailed off, Elliot whispered, "I'm sorry, Kathy. I'm so sorry to have to say these things to you, but you have to realize how serious I am about this being over. I can't do this with you anymore. I won't be miserable for the rest of my life just because I feel a sense of duty to you."

"Then why did you fight the divorce so hard? Why did you beg and plead to come home instead of going to your precious Olivia!"

"Because I wasn't ready back then to let the lie I'd been living for so long go. Because things with Olivia have always been complicated. Because life with you was all I knew. Because I was afraid if you divorced me I'd see my kids less than I already did. Because I was afraid of being the failure my father always told me I was. Because my partnership was on the rocks and I needed some stability. Because I still felt bad for getting you pregnant in the first place. Because my Catholic guilt about divorce added to my burden. Take your pick, Kathy. I fought the divorce for a lot of reasons, but not once did I try to stop it because I was in love with you."

Kathy's breath hitched and she had to force back another sob. "You told me you loved me. You said it every time you tried to convince me to take you back when I first asked for the separation."

"I'd held onto the lie for too long at that point to be able to let it go without a fight."

Silence fell between them as Kathy tried to make sense of everything Elliot was telling her. They stared off before Kathy tried, "Then why did you come back?"

"The same reason I married you in the first place. You got pregnant. I felt like I'd taken away your options. I didn't want you to go through the pregnancy alone. I went back, Kathy, for all the same reasons I married you and stayed with you throughout the years, but none of them were the right reasons. We don't love each other, Kath. Not the way a husband and wife should, and I can't live that lie anymore."

"I bet if Olivia weren't around you'd be fine with it!"

Elliot felt he had no choice but to say, "Maybe you're right. Maybe I wouldn't be so dissatisfied with the limited connection we have, which begins and ends with our children, if I'd never met Olivia. I told you before that I'm in love with her, and I'm telling you now I honestly believe she's my soul mate. She understands me in a way no one else ever has before, in a way no one else can. I can't say for sure whether or not we'd be here if I'd never been partnered with her, but I can say for sure that she isn't the reason I'm not in love with you. Kathy, I wasn't in love with you before we got married, and I never fell in love with you during the ten years of marriage we had together before I met Liv, or any of them after. Her coming into my life didn't make me fall out of love with you, it just allowed me to fall in love for the first time."

Kathy's hand went to her mouth as she let out a sob, and begged, "Don't say that! _Don't say that!_"

"It's the truth, Kathy. Olivia didn't steal my heart from you because it was never yours in the first place."

"Oh God!"

Kathy was openly sobbing now, and Elliot was crying as well, but the truth couldn't be avoided any longer. Moving slowly he sat down on the sofa next to her and pulled her into his arms. She fought him at first, beating her fists against his chest as she called him a bastard and son of a bitch, before finally collapsing against him. He ignored her hits and words, and simply pulled her into his chest and held her as she cried herself out. His tears joined hers as they both let the pain wash over them. Endings were never easy, and especially not endings like this.

Kathy cried against her husband's chest. She cried because she could no longer ignore the truth that her marriage had only ever been an illusion, one of necessity, one of guilt. She could no longer ignore the truth that Elliot was only with her because he felt a sense of duty to her. She could no longer ignore the truth that he didn't want to be with her. Maybe he might have stayed if Olivia had never come into the picture, maybe he could have carried on living the lie, but they'd never know. Now that he knew what it meant to truly be in love with someone, now that he'd come to terms with how pitiful their marriage was, how little they had in common, he couldn't pretend to be happily married to her anymore.

When she was all cried out Kathy let Elliot hold her for a few minutes. She let him rock her in his arms and smooth her hair back as they sat in silence. When she felt calm enough she stated, "It really is over."

"Yeah, Kath, it is."

Without looking up at him, Kathy asked, "I—if she doesn't leave Mark do you think you'll come back? I'd let you come home if she won't leave him. Or even if you guys try and it doesn't work, maybe we could try again."

"Oh Kathy."

He hated that he'd reduced her to this. Hated that he'd made her voice sound so small. Hated that she thought so little of herself she was contemplating an arrangement like the one she just proposed.

Tightening his arms around her, Elliot said, "Kathy, you are second to no one. Just because we're not right for each other doesn't mean that you won't find that special someone. You deserve to find someone that loves you with everything they are. You deserve someone you can love just as much. You deserve not to settle, Kathy, and I know you'll find that person someday. You'll find him, and you'll be so glad I'm not in the way of you being with him."

Kathy let out a bitter laugh and replied, "Who's going to want a 45 year old mother of five with a son in kindergarten? Who's going to want a nothing housewife who has never gone anywhere or done anything in her life but raise babies and keep house? A woman's whose greatest accomplishments were raising babies and becoming a part time nurse?"

Elliot leaned back and cupped Kathy's face as he snapped, "Don't you ever say that about yourself again! Kathy, you have so much more to offer than that! You're smart, and beautiful, and kind, and fun, and so many other things that make you a great catch! You're one of those MILF moms, and when the right guy comes along you'll hardly be able to keep his hands off you!"

She wanted to ask why if she was all those things he didn't want her, but she knew it was pointless. It was pointless because of all the reasons he'd already stated, and it would only end up hurting her more than she already had been today. Instead she just said, "What if I don't find him? What if I don't find someone that makes me feel the way you do about Olivia? What if I'm alone forever?"

"You won't be."

"How do you know?"

"Because I believe in God, and he would never let a woman like you spend the rest of your life alone."

Brushing her tears off her cheeks with his thumbs as he held her face in his hands, Elliot promised, "You'll find your Olivia, Kathy. Just, ya know, a guy one."

She laughed. She laughed as she cried, and somehow she felt better. The pain wasn't gone, and it wouldn't go away for awhile, but she didn't feel near to bursting with it anymore. "I hope so."

"I know so."

Kathy snuggled back down into Elliot's arms as she asked, "When do you want to tell the kids?"

Elliot didn't mind holding Kathy in this moment. He could tell she'd realized that there was no use fighting anymore. She was still hurt, and definitely still angry, and he had no delusions about the fact there would be many fights in their future while they both learned to live apart, but for now she was willing to work with him. For now she needed him to comfort her, and seeing as how he'd been the one to hurt her, he felt like he needed to. And in truth he wanted to. He wanted to be here for her one last time.

"Whenever you think is good."

"Tomorrow. It's Sunday and Maureen and Kathleen will be home from college for church, and then early dinner. We shouldn't drag it out. I don't think any of them will be surprised. I think everyone has seen this coming. It should be easier this time."

"I hope so. I really do want what's best for us all."

She knew that. She knew Elliot didn't want to hurt their family, and while Kathy wasn't ready to admit it out loud, she knew her home hadn't been a happy one for their kids for awhile. "Things might be difficult with Eli for awhile, but I think we can get through it. The older kids will be more prepared this time around."

"You remember George?"

"Yeah. He was at the baby shower, right? He's some kind of therapist that works with you guys?"

"Yeah. Well he gave me a number of a colleague of his, a family counselor. People on the force get half off, and I figured we could go to a few sessions as a family to help us work through the divorce this time around. Us and all the kids, and maybe a few extra sessions with just Eli since it will be hardest on him. Make sure that we're all ok with it. And I thought maybe you and I could go alone a few times. We may be divorcing, but we'll always be a part of one another's lives, and I really would like us to be friends."

"That actually sounds kind of nice. I just hope it works out better than the marriage counseling we tried when we got back together after the separation."

He didn't want to start fighting again, so he was hesitant to say, "You know why that didn't work, Kath."

"I know, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept."

She hugged him lightly one last time before sitting up and brushing a few stray tears from her cheeks. "I can't promise I'm not going to get angry about this again. I can't promise I'm not going to have my bitchy moments over this while we work through this divorce, and I can't promise I won't be resentful of you and Olivia for awhile, but I can promise I don't want to hurt you or our children. I'm going to try to get through this, Elliot. I'm going to try really hard, but it's not easy. I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with you, and I still want to. So it's going to take me awhile to really and truly let you go. Even if I don't love you the way a wife should, I do still love you, and I was in love with you when we got married. That love turned into something else over the years, but it started out right. So this is harder for me than you."

"I know, Kathy. I know and I'm sorry. I'd take the pain away from you if I could, but I can't."

"I know, Elliot.

Standing up, Kathy swung her bag up on her shoulder and made her way to the door. When she put her hand on the knob she turned around and looked at Elliot, who was still sitting on the couch, as she asked, "El?"

"Yeah?"

"After we get through this? After the divorce is final and things settle down? After we all get used to living separately?"

"Yes?"

"Don't let anything stop you."

He thought he knew what she meant, but he needed to be sure. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?"

For the moment Kathy was willing to be the bigger person, and the part of her that loved Elliot purely, the part of her that had at one time truly been in love with him, offered him the words he needed to hear. "Yes. I am. When the dust settles from the shit storm we're about to go through, you go to her. You go to her and you make damn sure she realizes how lucky she is to have the love of a man like you. You chase her to the ends of the earth if you have to, but don't you dare let go. If you let anything stand in the way of the two of you being together then you broke my heart for nothing, and that I would truly never forgive you for."

Elliot watched as his wife of 25 years opened the door and left his apartment after giving him her blessing to go after the woman he'd fallen madly in love with. He watched her go and silently thanked her. He'd needed to hear that from her. It was her way of saying she wasn't alright with his decision, but one day she would be. She would make peace with his decision to leave their loveless marriage as long as he was doing it to follow his heart. He swore then and there that he would heed her words. When their divorce was final and his family had come to terms with it, he would go after Olivia. He would go after her and make her his own. He would not let anything stand in the way, not even Olivia herself.


End file.
